Having been married for a month, I realize that things are beginning to change. People kept telling us that, “It’s different when you’re married,” and, “Being married changes everything,” and we thought those people didn’t really know what they were talking about. But now I’m beginning to understand that those people were right.
Take communication for example. Mrs. ACW and I always communicated pretty well, but now that we’re married, it’s become creepy how well we communicate. When Mrs. ACW goes to get something to drink, she always seems to know when I want something to drink as well, and she brings me a glass of whatever she’s having.
Or, here’s a better example. Last night I farted, and it was so nasally offensive that it actually woke Mrs. ACW from her sleep. She groggily complained about “seared nostrils” and “Satan’s butthole” and “the devil’s fiery, sulphuric ass is no comparison for the bed-burner you just forcibly sodomized my nose with”.
See, I was able to communicate with Mrs. ACW so well, and without even using words, that it stirred her from her sleep.
P.S. Everybody that told us things would change has been wrong. Nothing has changed except tax and insurance information.
Nothing has changed except tax and insurance information.
You’re forgetting the fact that now when you two decide you’ve had it with each other and this whole marriage thing is a crock, it’ll cost you a fortune to get rid of her and then pay her alimoney, as opposed to when you’re living together you could just go your separate ways and not have her drag your ass through court raping you of every penny you have to your name.
Wow, farts. so sweet:)
When you get married, your penis gets bigger. At least that’s what Sal tells me. I don’t really notice any difference, but she always says “Yes, your penis is bigger. You are like a Viking sex god. I’m the luckiest woman in the world. Now for fuck’s sake take out the garbage.”
“Take out the garbage” is our little code for sex. No, wait… Sal is correcting me. Apparently it means “Take out the garbage.”
Dammit.
The only difference between getting married and being married is one question. Before you get married, the question is, “When are you getting married?” After you are married the question becomes, “When are you having kids?”
I prefer fending off the marriage question.
I’m afraid Lil’s right on there - and I should know. My husband and I were together for 9 years before we “made it legal”. I was never sure if my Mom was happier he finally made an honest woman of me or that she could now start pestering me about a different topic.
Personally, I think if things change after you get married, you probably had no business getting married in the first place. Now, with kids - that’s a different story ’cause they really do change everything! (Most of it is a good change but still . . .)
When people ask me, “When are you having kids?” I think an appropriate response is, “So when are you going to die?”
Aaah, how sweet. What are you going to get her for the two month anniversary then? Tough act following that bed bomb.
i don’t remember marriage changing much. of course we lived together first. the biggest change was after the marriage we did what I call “financial intercourse”. which was a big messy change but all’s well that ends well.
forget marriage. now buying a house or having a kid, that is a big change.
I wish I’d had the foresight to get a pre-nup with a no-farting clause. My wife’s “noctural emissions” smell like a McDonald’s dumpster with cancer.
ahh- womance!
Now THAT’S love.
Oh man, I almost fell out of my chair laughing. “Satan’s butthole”…that is classic.
hahahaha…
Watch your withholdings that first year. We were shocked by our tax bill (the first year was the first time I ever owed income tax). But you guys own a house already right? So you should be okay. We didn’t so we had nothing to deduct.
Ah..Marriage didn’t change anything with us. Except now he can legally adopt my daughter that the sperm donating first husband has abandoned. Sperm donors loss. She’s a good kid.
and hubby’s Noctural emissions are horrid. I deal.
So… when are you having kids?
Luscious imagery! Now if you excuse me, I need to go douche out my eyesockets and attempt to rid myself of the visual of “nasal rape.” However! I do intend on using that one the next opportunity I get!