Archive for August, 2006

It’s just a fucking microwave!

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 31, 2006 @ 2:30 pm
in bitches, food and work
. 15 Comments

Someone burned MORE fucking popcorn. Is it really that hard people? Hmm?

Put the bag in the microwave, pull your head out of your ass, and wait for the fucking popcorn to fucking pop. All you have to do is wait, but apparently you’re either

a) afraid of getting radiation from the microwave while wearing your stupid little tinfoil hat because of an email that your barely literate cousin sent you while she was supposed to be filing

or

b) photocopying your ass, faxing said photocopies to your boyfriend, and wondering why the hell the fax keeps coming out the bottom in 52 identically shredded little strips.

I thought this would be a post that I wouldn’t have to write (PLD supplying the previous post, and doing a darn good job of it as determined an independent voting committee of me and my brother*), but apparently we either have one person who burned popcorn twice and who proves that god doesn’t exist because no loving deity would ever create anyone that stupid, or two stupid people that each burned popcorn once and prove that god does exist, and that he’s a dick with a horrible sense of humor.

*Here’s the message sent to PLD, and explaining why she won:

Let’s see, what exactly was it about your post that made my brother comment, “PLD nailed you dead-fucking-on. Uncontested winner.” Maybe it was your use of, “Now,” which I’ve noticed recently and have been trying to curtail. Or maybe it was the “heh” after “erected”. Or perhaps it was the longish and sometimes nearly invisble link between one paragraph and the next. The tip of the hat to Office Space was good as well.

We thought all of that was great. The best part? That you could not have come any effing closer to actually describing my childhood experiences with popcorn and our dial-a-meal microwave. Except for never having had Jiffy Pop (seriously, we were an Act 2 popcorn family) your post was perfect.

I’d like to send you something out of one of my two sheds.

acw

The Burnt Popcorn Post

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 31, 2006 @ 11:58 am
in bitches, food, suhmuhmuh bitch and work
. 12 Comments

Some things are difficult, like, say, cursive with your non-dominate hand, quantum physics, parallel parking Republican-agenda, foreign-made SUVs, and, oh, (twiddling fingers) let’s think of a really really difficult one. Aha: making a bag of microwave popcorn.

Now, we had it tough growing up. Our kitchen had the original 70s-era microwave from when the house was erected (heh), with its rolling dial to set how much time you wanted your TV dinner to cook. Pre-programmed buttons for meat, popcorn, defrost? Forget it. Throw in dinner, dial ‘er up and get the pregnant ladies far, far away. A little trial and error here and there, a couple of burnt meatloafs, (meatloaves?) but you learn to work the dial.

Back then, of course, microwaves weren’t even thought of as a method to birth popcorn; KERNELS actually had to be thrown in a pot and they magically became delicious, buttery popcorn a few minutes later. Maybe your rich friend’s hot, leggy mom bought the JiffyPop, but that was the novelty.

So you get older, you master the JiffyPop, when along come kernels-in-a-bag, with handy instructions printed right there on the cover! At first it was difficult to you know, listen until the kernels pop 2-3 seconds apart and then quickly take the scalding bag out of the microwave. Play it risky and you’re handling a crispy bag, my friend. Just when you’ve mastered the pull-out (heh) then the microwave industry people say, let’s put pre-programmed buttons for POPCORN on the keypad, and sell more microwaves! It’ll be idiot proof! (Except for those idiots who still might forget to take the bag out of the plastic, or place the bag wrong-side-up on the rotating tray.)

And so you adjust, and realize that hey, this microwave popcorn stuff is pretty easy (and that all this popcorn might be why your fingers are the size of sausages) and then you don’t really think about it ever again because it just becomes rote and secondary to more important things like ‘a banging the ladies.

Until the one day many years later, after you’ve found your lady and hitched on to a mortgage, you realize that maybe that learning curve never really flattens out for some people. You’re buried far within the cube farm, processing your TPS report, hoping that Lumburgh doesn’t find you, when the most rancid stench infiltrates your nostrils, burning every hair it passes. On one hand you think this is pretty cool because you might not have to shave the rest of the week, but on the other, your eyes are beginning to sting pretty bad.

You stand and scan the vast expanse as other heads pop up like gophers from their holes. The source is quickly identified by the swirl of smoke coming out of the breakroom and the Guy From Accounting pulling Orville’s smoldering remains from the grave. From the looks of it, the bag never stood a chance.

And then, the sprinklers.

Asshat probably can’t even do quantum physics, but he did get you a ½ day workday.

It’s like “This is Your Life”

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 29, 2006 @ 1:29 pm
in contests and meta blogging
. 21 Comments

Bliss had this great idea for people to post in “his style” given an image he put up. As a regular reader, I thought it would be easy, but I think it’s easy to tell that my style was dominant in my attempt to mimic him.

So I thought it would be hilarious for other folks to ape my style and to see what I get. I imagine it’ll be all zombies, necrophilia, farts, poop, bitching, and such. But who knows?!

Here’s your task if you feel like participating. Write a quick post about how I would respond blog about a coworker burning their bag of popcorn in the microwave in the lunch room. You can post in comments, or on your own blog and send me a link, or you can email me. Best one wins SOMETHING RANDOM FROM ONE OF MY TWO SHEDS!!1!!1!!eleven!!!

Yesterday this blog turned 2.

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 28, 2006 @ 9:33 am
in meta blogging and nerd stuff
. 15 Comments

Insert comment making tenuous link between birthdays and this blog.

Wax nostalgic, poorly, about the effect this blog has had on self. Make up story about how this blog cured an orphan’s rickets.

Pretend like blogging for 2 years has been no big deal. Pat self on back for being so effing cool.

P.S. The fuck? This blog is two years old. Jeezus kee-rist!

The funniest thing is, in one of my very first posts I said this, “Now I have a blog. And absolutely nothing to say. Which makes me like 95% of other bloggers, except I won’t bore you with the details.” Dag, yo. How many times have I ignored that little idea.

I’m now being paid to blog at work.

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 25, 2006 @ 4:44 pm
in meta blogging and work
. 11 Comments

And not in the way you’re thinking. “You’ve always been paid to blog at work, a-hole. That’s where you do all your blogging.” Well, true enough, but, in a few weeks I’ll also be blogging FOR my employer.

We had a meeting about how we could convey information to our customers in a quick and easy manner, and someone (sure as hell not me) suggested we use a blog. People were so confused by what a blog was and what it did that my innability to ignore ignorance kicked in and before I knew it I was talking about RSS feeds and Moveable Type.

I almost pulled up anonymouscoworker.com in Wordpress just so I could show them exactly what I was talking about.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

Sugartits, Prisoners, Cats

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 23, 2006 @ 9:02 am
in Mrs. ACW, devil cat and potty humor
. 20 Comments

1) A note from my wife, whom I’ll kindly refer to as “Sugartits” for this post, found on the counter this morning:

I am crammed with dirty dishes and loaded with soap. Please turn me on before you leave. -The Dishwasher

If you want my attention, Sugartits, all you have to do is ask.

2) You know those prison escape movies where the inmate manages to break-out because the architectural plans for the prison were laid out in detail of a circulating prison copy of Prison Diagrams Monthly? Or how the prison decides it’s a fine idea to have prisoners clean up the roadways around an airport? And you always think, “Man, that’s so stupid. That would never happen in real life.” Well, this morning, on my daily drive past the airport, I noticed that the State Highway Administration had partnered with the Department of Corrections to do some garbage clean-up around the airport.

If you’re having trouble figuring out what’s wrong with this picture, you may want to read this next part very slowly: The Department of Homeland Security will put a hairy, gloved, lube-less hand up your ass if you try to take water onto a plane, but they apparently pay no mind to two-dozen prisoners within spitting distance of the runways.

3) When I got out of the shower this morning, Sherlock and Wookie were laying on the toilet seat. Wookie was facing me, and Sherlock was facing the shower. Suddenly, Wookie spazzed out, rolled off the toilet in a hurricane of wide-eyes and fur, and ran out of the bathroom. I looked at Sherlock and said, “What the hell was that all abou…oooooOHHhHhH THAT’S HORRIBLE!” and I nearly threw-up as a combination of pork-rinds and rotten meat violated my nostrils without my consent. Sherlock seemed pleased with himself.

A whiny post begging for attention on the internet? Never!

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 22, 2006 @ 9:00 am
in meta blogging
. Closed

Yesterday I was overcome with the desire to check my traffic on Sitemeter. I haven’t done so in quite some time, and I thought the ignorance was working well for me. I used to get daily emails about traffic from the previous day, and I used to agonize over the information. I needed to feel like more people were reading what I had to write or that I was failing somehow.

Then I realized that was a stupid way to be, so I stopped having Sitemeter send me those emails, and for a while everything was pretty nice. The blog didn’t feel so forced anymore, and I actually started enjoying it again. I’ve even allowed myself to put up posts that are really only funny to me, and I haven’t regretted it. But something happened yesterday and I wondered, “Is anybody even reading anymore?” And that’s such a stupid question.

But the fact that I think it’s a stupid question is part of the problem too. I haven’t been able to reconcile in my mind the idea that a blog is an interactive medium, and that there has to be give and take with it. While I’ve been writing for me, I haven’t really been commenting on anyone’s blogs, though I’m still reading as many blogs as I used to, and I haven’t even been commenting on my own blog, which I used to do all the time. Though when I was writing for the constantly fluctuating audience of the internet, I felt tied down to the blog, and thought about killing it more than a few times, even though I was getting traffic and comments out the wazoo.

I’ve yet to find the balance between writing for myself and also getting the feedback that I like to get. I won’t pretend that lots of comments are meaningless. Quite the contrary. I love checking the RSS on my comments and seeing that there are new comments. It’s great. But I also don’t want to feel like I’m being controlled by the blog either.

So what’s all this whiny, panty-bunching, sissy-talk about? I guess it’s to say thanks to everyone who stops by, whether they comment or not. Also, the writing may get a bit sporadic for the time being as I get back into being the type of blogger who comments on other people’s blogs.

I’ve turned comments off so as not to seem like a comment-whoring, pity-party bitch.

Seriously, he used the term “like pumping a bag of maggots”

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 21, 2006 @ 10:17 am
in Mrs. ACW, bitches, horror, necrophilia and zombies
. 6 Comments

I’m not the type of person who does a lot of reading. I can walk into a record store and spend hours flipping through used CDs, leave the store empty-handed, and still feel like my time was well spent. I can go to a video store, pick “Stealth“, watch it, be consciously aware that I chose to turn my brain off, and not have a problem with it. With books, though, it becomes a different issue. Because of my obsessive compulsive nature I have to finish any book that I start. Because I got my degree in Literature, I analyze every book I read as I read it. And because 90% of all books in bookstores and libraries are schlock, I prefer to only read recommendations from friends, and never actually go in one of those buildings, for fear that I’ll start reading a crap book and be unable to not finish it.

Since I’ve been with Mrs. ACW, who reads constantly and has been known to make trips to the library on consecutive subsequent days, I’ve started taking risks again, and choosing books off the shelves. At first I was only reading books by authors with whom I was already familiar. Then I started reading the novels behind some of my favorite movies. And finally I started picking a few books off of Mrs. ACW’s stack if she said that she thought I would like them.

So last week I did something that I haven’t done since I was about 12. I picked a book because it looked interesting, and because I thought I would get at least a little interest out of it, without having any knowledge about the book.

I’ve been reading this book called Mondo Zombie, and it’s so terrible that I think I’m going back to not checking any books out of the library anymore.

And I know what you’re thinking, “Mondo Zombie? How could you lose? You love zombies!” And it’s true; I do love zombies. It’s the necrophilia that’s starting to bother me.

“But ACW, you also love necrophilia. You have a tag for it. It’s at the top of this post.” To clarify, I don’t love necrophilia. You will not find a stronger supporter for necrophilia who doesn’t personally engage in it than me. I find it revolting, to be completely blunt, so when the first story in the book featured it prominently I thought, “Well, at least we got that out of the way,” only to find that most of the stories in the book feature as a central plot tenet the horrifying act of boning the bejeezus out of a corpse.

“Well, at least there’s no incest, right? Right? Please say there’s no incest.” I wish I could. I really wish I could. Those stories that don’t hope to inspire raging hard-ons for doing the “decomposing dirty-dirty” instead hope to inspire the same via inter-familial conjugality. But that’s not all! One mouth-breathing author hoping to create award-winning short-fiction weaves a tale that seems to steal its characters from “Kids” and its plot from that episode of the X-Files where the hillbillies keep their quadruple-amputee mother on a board under a bed until they’re ready to roll her out and rape her again. Add to that the element of zombified sex-slavery, and throw in a dash of “Deliverance“, and you have the single-most appalling tale in the whole sordid collection: necrophilia/zombie incest.

I don’t know the people who wrote these stories, and I don’t want to know these people. Their writing is bad and they should feel bad. The worst part is that all the stories are so derivative of Romero’s movies that they all end up running together and sounding the same. And because the other thread that runs through each story besides necrophilia is someone being zombified via a bite to the peener. Every story!

So, if you’re a perverted, living-in-your-parent’s-basement type who gets off on terrible writing about two undead siblings banging the crap out of each other, this is the book for you. Or, if you’re insulating your home for the winter, this book weighs in at a hefty 400-plus pages, so it’s great for shredding and blasting into your walls to use as insulation.

Augustember Blogger Happy Hour!

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 17, 2006 @ 12:38 pm
in beer and happy hour
. 19 Comments

I was talking with Zenchick (insofar as one can actually talk via a series of ones and zeroes that have been converted to words displayed on a screen by an email deliverating program) and she came up with the idea of having a blogger happy hour. I don’t think one has been hosted in some time. Maybe months. Months!

So, to rectify that, (he he he, “rectify”) we’ve decided (me an’ Zenchick) to join forces and host a happy hour on September 1.

Now, we know September 1 is a Friday, and it’s the Friday before Labor Day, and you have “real” friends that you want to get drunk with, pass out with, and wake up with each other’s clothing on, and that’s fine with us. It really is. But, you could get started on that sexually questionable path of debauchery with us at No Idea Tavern in Federal Hill.

At this point, some of you are probably thinking, “Federal Hill? I don’t want to go to some yuppie bar with a bunch of wannabe socialites, trust-fund hipsters, and middle-aged frat boys. It’s too expensive, there’s no place to park, and generally, Federal Hill doesn’t need any of my money.”

But wait! No Idea is on the very edge of Federal Hill, so the crazy parking isn’t an issue. You’d have to drive 4 blocks to find a sign that said, “1 hour parking, you pathetic, working-class poor-person.”

And because Federal Hill-ites hate anything below their tax-bracket, they all stuff themselves into Mother’s, revel in their whiteness, and pretend everything south of West street doesn’t exist.

And the drink specials! Oh, let me tell you about the drink specials. The last time I was there, they were selling all-you-could-drink Yuengling for a dollar between 4 and 7. I spent one dollar and had 4 Yuenglings. You can’t beat that price! You can’t beat it with a sack full of doorknobs! Currently, they’re running a deal for 20 oz. Miller Lite Drafts from 5-8pm for only $1. That might change between now and then, but the Friday happy hour deals are ALWAYS affordable. You can get drunk with just the change in your couch!

So, in summation:

Friday, September 1, 5pm - ? (the question mark means you know it’ll be a crazy good time)
No Idea Tavern
1649 Hanover St
Baltimore, MD 21230
(410) 685-4332
noideatavern.com

If you’re reading this, you’re invited.

Never one to turn down a tag

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 17, 2006 @ 8:38 am
in meta blogging
. 4 Comments

Poppy tagged me.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)
Chuck Drive

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom’s side, your favorite candy)
Joe Babyruth

3. YOUR “FLY GIRL/GUY” NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)
Sorry, can’t divulge that information, so how about, “A-Co”.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Ochre Elephant

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Coworker Catonsville

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom’s maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in.)
Cow-An Do-Bal

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (your favorite color, favorite drink)
Ochre Bourbon!

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