ACWF and I are getting married on July 3 (for those of you who didn’t know) so it’s crunch time. All the vendors want all kinds of information from us. Some of our douchebag relatives need to be cut out of the family for waiting until the last fucking minute to RSVP. (Oh, and here’s a little aside to all of you who have never attended a wedding. As soon as you get your RSVP, check your calendar, and respond to the fucking RSVP. People are waiting to know if you are going show up and greedily consume hundreds of dollars worth of food and liquor, so the least you could do, you piggish fuckers, is let us know if you and your fatfuck family is going to show up!)
Anyway, when we were planning the wedding ACWF’s boss mentioned that she had attended weddings at our site before, and that cops like to set up alcohol checkpoints near the exit of our site. So we decided it would be nice to provide transportation from the site to the hotel so that no one would risk drinking and driving.
Well, if we’re going to provide transportation FROM the wedding, we really need to provide transportation TO the wedding. So I started calling limo companies and cab companies to see what kind of deal we could work out.
The limo companies were the worst. I kept explaining that all I needed was a large group of people moved A FEW MILES from one place to another place, and then back to the original place a few hours later. They kept giving me this bullshit runaround about “Oh, well, we’ll give you a six hour rental, that way you’ll have it for 3 hours at the beginning and 3 hours at the end. That’ll be 80 bajillion dollars. It’s a good deal. You can’t beat that.” Apparently, in limo world, it take 3 fucking hours to go a few miles down the road. All those limo company fuckers were the same. One guy thought he was hot shit when I called him on his stupid fucking 6 hour bullshit when he reduced the rental time to 4 hours. Great move fucktits! I still need about 3 and a half hours LESS than that, you stupid hillbilly fucklicker!
So I started calling cab companies. The cab companies at first seemed like they were going to be the answer to my problems, but it turns out they were problems of their own. Given the base rates listed with their companies, it costs 1.60 to get in the cab, and 1.20 to go a mile. So five miles would cost 7.60. A nice tip of 2.40 takes it to an even 10 per cab, so it should cost 10 bucks to tip and transport 4 people 5 miles. I have to transport about 20 people, so in total, I should pay about 50 bucks each direction, or 100 bucks total. This number was ABSURD to the dispatchers at the cab companies. They were pulling numbers out of their asses so quickly that they must have used Donald in Mathmagic Land as some sort of ENEMA! They all said they could cut me a special deal by getting two 12 passenger vans and making the trips that way. The vans would cost 75 to 80 bucks. Each van. Each way. Total $320. The fuck?! I don’t know HOW they could possibly come up with THAT number. They wouldn’t make that much money if 20 people made the same identical trip in 20 separate cabs. In fact, they probably SAVE money by using fewer vehicles. Why, then, DO THEY INSIST ON FUCKING ME IN THE ASS!?
There is a happy ending to this story though. I finally got in touch with a cab company that a) didn’t use a cell-phone in a dead zone as their primary business line b) spoke English and, c) was willing to work with me to make this as inexpensive as possible.
If it turns out that they do a good job, I might even put their link up here. If they do a bad job, I’d would like all of you to link to my new site: www.[cabcompany]fuckingsucks.com.
Thanks.
Now I feel better.
P.S. Fuck me retarded! I just reread the post and realized that we wouldn’t even BE in this predicament if it weren’t for ACWF’s boss. Thanks a fucking lot! I would have much preferred if the relatives WE NEVER EVEN SEE were arrested for drunk driving, that way we wouldn’t even have to make excuses as to why we never see them.
Someone needs a vacation.
(And in Scotland!)
I’m jealous.
I hate when people don’t RSVP.
Korean people don’t RSVP (well, maybe the generation now in their 20s-30s). Every time I went to a Korean wedding, there’d be a 300+ guest list and most ppl don’t RSVP. You just expect it will be around 300 people and “plan” accordingly.
Plus side: They often give large cash gifts. My friend did a lot of the wedding planning/coordinating herself, got wholesale deal on flowers, rented gown etc. Of course, you know it was still expensive. But they actually made a profit off the cash gifts.
PS: “fucktits”? Wow. What a horribly unpleasant word. My mind isn’t sure where to go with the imagery. A bird? Boobs? Ack!
Nice.
Oh, and I didn’t realize your wedding was that close. Congrats! :)
I will miss your blog updates while you’re away! *cry*
While your transportation woes are unfortunate - yet quite hilarious, peppered with the f-bomb as they were - I have to say that when I read your title, I thought perhaps you were getting cold feet or something. Glad to see it was just a bunch of, as you say, “fucktits”, screwing you with your pants on over vehicular transport issues. :)
I also didn’t realize the big day was coming up so soon! Huge congrats to you and ACWF!
I really liked “Fucktits” and it suits someone who doesn’t get that their price is outrageous for the full six hours, let alone LESS.
July 3?
this doesn’t leave me much time to start walking you know.
how much for a cab again?
I know what you mean about RSVP. I just went through this a few weeks ago with a special Birthday event for my wife. Not only did some not RSVP until the day before, but I had a bunch that didn’t show up after RSVPeeeing that they were coming. I can see how frustrated you are. Some people have no clue what is proper.
Congrats again to you and ACWF have a great Wedding.
question about the place–is it by a body of water? I ask because I’m really really really sensitive to mosquitos/gnats/etc. and want to know if I should bathe myself in a healthy dose of deet before I come so I’m not itching myself all through your ceremony!
Dude, it ain’t too late to call it off. I mean, you’ve both made it this far without a wedding, why fuck it up with heart-felt vows and a promise to God?
Who needs that kind of pressure?
But oh, the tax benies. Yeah. Go for it.
Um, isn’t July 3rd a Monday? Who the hell, in their right mind…
well, that’s the problem right there. No one in their RIGHT mind would marry on a Monday, but you? Now it all makes sense.
Mazel Tov. Enjoy legally bumping uglies.
CP.
just remember, july 4th you’ll be married, happy, and still pissed at the fucking limo driver morons.
CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU!!
tell me all about it after the honeymoon and stuff!
You are WAY too nice to set up transportation to and from the place. You should’ve just told them to be careful because the police like to set up check points nearby, then tell them to screw off.
I don’t understand why limo companies insist on being absolutely retarded. I was looking for a limo for our prom, and the way they wanted to charge us was absolutely retarded. They don’t understand that while we’re AT our prom, we don’t need them!
…We didn’t end up getting a limo. End of story.
Congratulations about getting married though. I imagine that’s fairly exciting. Without all the stress.
I think when I get married, I’m going to have three people there. Myself, my fiance, and some sort of witness/priest person.
Oh man, I hope everything else goes smoothly. The ass fucking does NOT sound like fun.
In 5 days you will be all grown up and shit. Congratulations!
man..another phrase that disturbs me (not sure why) … “bumping uglies”…
ooooh yay!! have fun! you’ll be okay! don’t throw up! and how long are you gonna be in the UK for the honeymoon?
Thanks everybody!
Wendykat- about 2 weeks. want me to plant some smooches on English?
Taxis are cheaper than bail.
Here’s my RSVP, bitch. I’m bringing my whole family. :P
You should have a bouncer at the door to your reception to send away anyone who didn’t reply before May. :)
I take a long hiatus and now you’re getting MARRIED? Man! Seems like just yesterday y’all were just ACW and ACWGF. Then come the “G” drop, but wow. Wow.
I’ll be in Vegas on the third, but tonight I’ll pour a round of bartender shots and silently toast your nuptials. Silently because my coworkers already think I’m nuts, and if I proclaim that the toast is for some guy whose blog I read who’s getting married and I wish him and the soon to be ACWW all the best in the world for having the faith, love and conviction to get married and celebrate all that to the world, those coworkers will give me the head tilt look before they shake their head and walk away. I see enough of that already.
Hearts, flowers and lots liquor to your celebration! Because nothing makes family gatherings fun like the drunk fights.
no smoooches from yoooouches. i was just wonderin’ cuz i’ll be there for the month of august (yes… the entire month… teehee) but fuck you for only being there for 2 weeks. douche.
Kinda a “Late Kate” here responding to this… but…
#1. Congratulations!
#2. Perhaps the hotel can assist you with the transportation situation. Most hotels have shuttles for airport service, and perhaps you can strike a deal with them for the wedding transport, considering it’s only a few miles away.