ACWF and I are getting married on July 3 (for those of you who didn’t know) so it’s crunch time. All the vendors want all kinds of information from us. Some of our douchebag relatives need to be cut out of the family for waiting until the last fucking minute to RSVP. (Oh, and here’s a little aside to all of you who have never attended a wedding. As soon as you get your RSVP, check your calendar, and respond to the fucking RSVP. People are waiting to know if you are going show up and greedily consume hundreds of dollars worth of food and liquor, so the least you could do, you piggish fuckers, is let us know if you and your fatfuck family is going to show up!)
Anyway, when we were planning the wedding ACWF’s boss mentioned that she had attended weddings at our site before, and that cops like to set up alcohol checkpoints near the exit of our site. So we decided it would be nice to provide transportation from the site to the hotel so that no one would risk drinking and driving.
Well, if we’re going to provide transportation FROM the wedding, we really need to provide transportation TO the wedding. So I started calling limo companies and cab companies to see what kind of deal we could work out.
The limo companies were the worst. I kept explaining that all I needed was a large group of people moved A FEW MILES from one place to another place, and then back to the original place a few hours later. They kept giving me this bullshit runaround about “Oh, well, we’ll give you a six hour rental, that way you’ll have it for 3 hours at the beginning and 3 hours at the end. That’ll be 80 bajillion dollars. It’s a good deal. You can’t beat that.” Apparently, in limo world, it take 3 fucking hours to go a few miles down the road. All those limo company fuckers were the same. One guy thought he was hot shit when I called him on his stupid fucking 6 hour bullshit when he reduced the rental time to 4 hours. Great move fucktits! I still need about 3 and a half hours LESS than that, you stupid hillbilly fucklicker!
So I started calling cab companies. The cab companies at first seemed like they were going to be the answer to my problems, but it turns out they were problems of their own. Given the base rates listed with their companies, it costs 1.60 to get in the cab, and 1.20 to go a mile. So five miles would cost 7.60. A nice tip of 2.40 takes it to an even 10 per cab, so it should cost 10 bucks to tip and transport 4 people 5 miles. I have to transport about 20 people, so in total, I should pay about 50 bucks each direction, or 100 bucks total. This number was ABSURD to the dispatchers at the cab companies. They were pulling numbers out of their asses so quickly that they must have used Donald in Mathmagic Land as some sort of ENEMA! They all said they could cut me a special deal by getting two 12 passenger vans and making the trips that way. The vans would cost 75 to 80 bucks. Each van. Each way. Total $320. The fuck?! I don’t know HOW they could possibly come up with THAT number. They wouldn’t make that much money if 20 people made the same identical trip in 20 separate cabs. In fact, they probably SAVE money by using fewer vehicles. Why, then, DO THEY INSIST ON FUCKING ME IN THE ASS!?
There is a happy ending to this story though. I finally got in touch with a cab company that a) didn’t use a cell-phone in a dead zone as their primary business line b) spoke English and, c) was willing to work with me to make this as inexpensive as possible.
If it turns out that they do a good job, I might even put their link up here. If they do a bad job, I’d would like all of you to link to my new site: www.[cabcompany]fuckingsucks.com.
Thanks.
Now I feel better.
P.S. Fuck me retarded! I just reread the post and realized that we wouldn’t even BE in this predicament if it weren’t for ACWF’s boss. Thanks a fucking lot! I would have much preferred if the relatives WE NEVER EVEN SEE were arrested for drunk driving, that way we wouldn’t even have to make excuses as to why we never see them.
