So the other day Carolyn at Whirled Events emails me and tells me that she’s having a “World’s Ugliest Tie” contest/meme/thing and asks if I would like to participate. Because I spent four years in Catholic school wearing a tie every day to school, and knowing that I still had some of those ties, and knowing that those ties were simply hideous, I said, “Yeah, I’ll give it a go.”
So, for your viewing pleasure, I’ve outlined my ties below. Those of you who have just recovered from Lasik surgery, or those of you with astigmatism, or those of you with fashion sense/taste may want to look away. Go have a wheatgrass enema, or whatever it is you fashionable people do.
This is a picture of all the ties that are so ugly that I can’ bear to throw them away. I have many new ties now. Ties that are respectable. Ties that match things. Ties that weren’t inpired by the seething pool of filth, degredation, disease, and human excrement that typify the backstage area after a James Taylor concert.
This is a detail photo of the wool ties from the picture above. As you can see, they were lovingly handcrafted by a blind sadist, and resmble knitted, unrolled condoms. The height of fashion would not be high enough to hang yourself for wearing one of these.
This is the striped-tie collection. As you can see by the reflected luminescence of the flash on the ties, not a single natural material was used in the production of these style-abortions. “What goes well with brown?” Silver, grey, red, blue! I imagine this is what Ralph Lauren’s cancer might look like.
Finally we make it to the single ugliest tie in my collection. I encourage you to click on the image below for the opportunity to view it full-sized. Not content having captured the color of baby leavings, the designer of this tie incorporates a new shade of toddler shit into each stripe! Look, there’s bananas and peas! Look, there’s carrots and corn! Look, there’s peanut-butter and cat-food! Obviously, this is my favorite tie.
So, I, by proxy of Carolyn, challenge you to find ties uglier than the ones profiled here, and on Carolyn’s site. Also, let me know if you want to borrow any of them.
The mega-ugly tie used to be mine. I think I got it from your friend Sam G when he graduated. I wore that tie as often as possible.
Those striped ones are coming back in fashion - at least according to what some guys are wearing around the office here…
I hate ties. I’ve almost ceased wearing them entirely, which tweaks the partners, I’m sure. The tipping point was when I wore the same tie for 33 days in a row, and nobody said anything. I figure, if nobody’s noticing, why bother?
That last tie looks as if it were made from the orange Herculon couch that my college roommate used to sleep on. I always wondered what happened to that couch- does the tie smell like cat piss?
I think you should name the ugliest ones. I nominate “Mustard Pants” for that gamboge-corn-ochre one (give my mother credit: “mustard pants” is a term she used to utter while changing my little sister’s diapers).
I call Shenanigans. You went to a Salvation Army and bought those monstrosities, didn’t you! They’re all at least hand-me-downs from 20+ years ago, which should also disqualify them.
I had a green one that rivals your Big Orange Crappy, but I think I threw it away. It had white spots that looked like cameos of a guy’s head wearing a Colonial Era wig.
Well, I guess the “rules” of the contest don’t say you can’t buy ringers, but I still don’t believe you have all those hideous ties in your collection.
This post made me miss my grandfather.
holy crap, they still make those wooly ones?
The wierd thing is, I went to help a friend pick out a new tie recently and was gobsmacked to find similar ties to those of yours with diagonal stripes (in various clashing hues) were actually being presented in these trendy shops as fashionable. I guess retro grotesque is in. Ugly is the new beautiful etc. My advice, don a skin tight polyester shirt, get a mullet and wear your godawful ties with pride.
I can’t believe you actually still own those hideous knitted ties.
I’d suggest burning them, but that would probably cause some sort of toxic reaction.
Ugh.
CBK - I swear, all of those ties are ours (now his) and have all been worn, particularly in high school.
uhm… don’t hate me for actually kinda liking that last tie…
Monkey- I know, I hate the new ugly-stripey ones.
Bliss- Good for you! Some of my coworkers wear ties for fun. I think they’re idiots.
Bliss- As a matter of fact, it kind of does. My cats love it.
Kate- Mustard Pants it is. I’ll be sure to wear it to the next blogger prom.
CBK- All these ties were hand-me-downs. I’ve had them for ages. Except one of the stripey ones. I found that one in the street halfway through highschool.
Scarlet- My grandfathers never wore ties, but I can see how these ties would make you think of them.
Darth- I don’t know if they still make the wooly ones. Mine are at least 15 years old.
Emma- Unfotunately, I don’t get the opportunity these days to wear such garish ties, but you do present an interesting idea…
Madame D- Why would I burn them? It would be like burning.. uhh.. something… uh… yeah I should probably burn them.
Mokie- Damn straight.
Wendy- I like it too. Sort of in the way that Sloth is my favorite character in Goonies.
I think you placed that orange/brown tie against the pink carpeting to make it look even worse. Wouldn’t it have been a better presentation if you would have placed it against brown (or maybe even black) carpeting? Presentation is everything! Although, it probably wouldn’t look good against any color cuz sometimes ugly is just ugly.
kc brings up a good point and reminds me i was going to call you a pussy for living in a house with pink carpeting.