Last night ACWF and I went to Bally’s. ACWF has a membership there, and I don’t, but you can bring in guests for free at any time. I’m not sure how that works as a business model, but it’s okay because those Bally fuckers will trick you into signing contract without hesitation. It’s why ACWF has a membership there in the first place. She thought she was getting 3 months free, but it was 3 months free with a three year contract. You can bet that the asshole that sold her the membership was explicitly clear about the 3 months being free, and intentionally evasive about those next three years. Fuckers.
Anyway, because I knew of their small-print sleaze-fuckery I read the “waiver” they gave to all guests to sign. First they wanted my name, address and contact info. So they got my name, a modified version of my address, and no email or phone number. Then I started reading the small print.
“We are not responsible for your injury or death while using these machines…”
“You should consult a doctor before starting any exercise program….”
“If for some reason you die while in our facility we call dibs on the cash in your wallet, girlfriend, and fillings, we’ll probably hump your corpse, and just because we’re shitty people we’ll send a video of said corpse-humping to your grieving family. Then we’ll make a secret video of your family crying while watching the corpse-humping video, and we’ll crank one out to that…”
You know, all the standard stuff.
Then I got to the part where it said, “By giving us your phone number you are giving us express permission to contact you regarding a membership at Bally’s.”
“Oh, yes, please, Mr. Dumb, musclebound gym-rat, please harangue me about a shitty, overpriced gym membership; I can envision nothing finer! While you’re talking, would you mind if I excavated my orifices with a cheese-grater and bathed in lime-juice? Exquisite!”
So I handed the form back to the guy and he tells me that he needs my phone number. I told him that I didn’t want to give him my phone number because I didn’t want to be called about a membership. Then he cops this attitude and tells me that “this is a private club” and that he can’t let me in without a phone number. Like Bally’s is some sort of resort or something, and not currently filled with anal-spelunkling, raisin-testicled, roid-ragers. So I tell him, “Fine,” take the form back and write 410-936-1212 and hand it back to him.
Somehow, magically, this allows me access to the gym. I would love to hear that sales pitch though.
I exclusively hand out 410-844-1347 as my phone number.
Is that the po-po?
see, and I woulda figured that they’d have to FIGHT you away once you found out that membership might even involve not only humping your corpse, but sending a VIDEO of it to your family. I mean, you certainly can’t put a price on that :-)
you f’n rule, dude :)
That’s awesome.
So, gym-rat: “Hello, is ACW there?”
Weather: “Today’s forecast is sunny… mild… with a 40% chance of rain in the evening. Have a great day and THANKS for calling!”
Gym-rat: “So, um, wanna buy a membership?”
Weather: “Today’s forecast is sunny… mild… with a 40% chance of rain in the evening. Have a great day and THANKS for calling!”
Gym-rat: “Okay, so’s, all’s I needs is a credit card number. Ya got one-a those?”
Weather: “Today’s forecast is sunny… mild… with a 40% chance of rain in the evening. Have a great day and THANKS for calling! Please hang up NOW.”
Gym-rat: “Great, thanks for doin’ biz-uh-niss wid me.”
Weather: *click*
Gym-rat: *click*
too bad you didn’t have the dude’s own cell number- that would’ve kept him confused for hours.
You should have given my Adult Fantasy phone number. I can use the business.
what’s that rejection hotline number?
yeah, the rejection hotline! http://www.rejectionhotline.com/
“don’t ever forget, it could suck more” :))
See, this is why I don’t do gyms. The high-pressure sales pitch, the small print sleaze fuckery, the anal-spelunking “trainers.” Plus, my nose runs when I work out, so I’d rather raise my heart rate in the privacy of my own home, where tissues are always at the ready.
I snorted water all over my laptop laughing at your description of the “anal-spelunkling, raisin-testicled, roid-ragers” in the gym. Holy shit, that’s funny stuff.
Now, I’m from York, and I’m very close to you in Baltimore, but I just have no clue what that number is…nor do I know the one Mokie uses. Help me out here! I’m out of the loop! Poppy’s comment makes it sound like it’s Time and Temperature (our 717-845-3531). If it is, great idea!
My best friend and I had to put our addresses on a form at the fair last year to try and win a prize at the Geico “roulette” wheel. I put down my address as 123 Fake Street. Wonder who’s getting mail from Geico now?
To add a “serious” comment, if this particular gym is someplace you’d actually consider going to regularly and it’s convenient, the renewal fees are incredibly low.
I had a three-year membership, and after it was done, my renewal rate was $6 or $8 a month. (They don’t usually count on people actually using the gym that long.) Then when I got married, I paid a lump-sum fee for Tarzan to get a membership tagged onto mine that worked out to something really low the first year and like $12/month after that. (So you wouldn’t have to go through a three-year contract the way she did.)
I did quit the gym b/c when we moved back to Virginia it was not a convenient location for us. The gym we go to now is awesome (though it costs a HELL of a lot more).