For the past 2 days ACWF and I haven’t had internet access at home. At first I thought it was a regular type problem, so I jiggled all the cables, cords, and wires in their respective jacks but the stupid porn machine was still refusing to produce porn… I mean pay bills. Bills for porn.
Yesterday I finally broke down and called the cable internet people and got quite a character on the other end. Here’s a basic transcript of what followed:
Me: Okay, so now the computer is off and the modem is unplugged.
Guy: SUUp-ah! [This is how he said "Super!"]
Me: Uh…
Guy: Turn your computer back on please, and plug in the modem.
Me: Okay… It’s on… and the modem is plugged in.
Guy: Suuuupah.
Me: ….
Guy: Okay, now click on Internet Explorer and the world will be at your fingertips. [wtf?]
Humoring him, I opened IE, even though I use Firefox.
Me: Nope. Nothing.
Guy: Hmm… try going to Tools in the menu bar-
Me: No good. IE just froze.
(Just as a side note, that was the first time I’d used IE in about 2 years and it crashed almost immediately. Switch to Firefox. You’ll be glad you did.)
Guy: Froze? Oh. Not suuupah.
So we went through the resetting and setting of the computer and the modem, and he kept asking me to open IE; just before each try he’d say something like, “The world is your oyster” or “The internet is yours to harness” or “You have the power to control the internet, just like it was 2 for 1 lap-dance night at the Manhole”.
In the end (ha ha, “In the end”) Mokie had to come over. He discovered that one of the wires was plugged into the the wrong plug-hole on the internet-maker machine. What? I wouldn’t call him if I knew what the shit any of this stuff was supposed to do. Just like he wouldn’t call me if he realized that a gerund always functions as a fucking noun.
But at least now ACWF has her video-game box back.
