I think most people are familiar with the “porno name” game that allows you to figure out what your porno name would be. All you have to do is take your first pet’s name and pair that with the name of the street where you grew up.
By means of example, my porn name would be Chuck Woodsdale. Not too bad. That name, a mullet, a moustache, a rock-hard vein-covered wang, and dubious plot will have me doing hygienically questionable things to a silicone-enhanced starlet’s butthole in no time!
At least I’m lucky enough as to not get stuck with a porno name like “Chester Flapjack” or “Neverhadapet Ruralroutenine”. People with names like those always end up as fluffers for guys like me and Robert Goulet.
Anyway, the only reason I bring this up is because I came across the perfect porn name the other day, and it wasn’t as a result of this silly game. It’s a porn-name so perfect that I hesitate to type it here, for fear that you’ll be so overcome with crotchal eruptions that you’ll unconsciously begin downloading porn by the terrabyte (and I’m not talking about regular Playboy porno either. I’m talking about stuff that’s illegal to have delivered through the mail). However, because this guy’s name is already plastered all over numerous neighborhoods by virtue of him being a Realtor, I will share his name with you now:
Harry Bushrod
Oh man! How unfortunate a name is THAT? The only way it could be worse would be if he were named “Hairy Hoohahdong” or “Furry Vaginapenis”. And what happens if it turns out he’s into dudes? His name becomes worthless! If I were gay I wouldn’t bang a guy named Harry Bushrod, that’s for damn sure. Yeah, I’d teabag him, but we wouldn’t have sex.
Though, to be honest, I’m not really in any place to make fun of somebodies name, as my name isn’t exactly Silver Screen material. I would most certainly have change my name if I ever wanted to make it in Hollywood. Some names just don’t go over well with the common folk. It’s why Thomas Mapother IV changed his name to Douchedick… I mean, Tom Cruise; and why Gerry Dorsey changed his name to something simpler, like Engelbert Humperdinck.
“So, what’s your real name?” you ask. Okay, I’ll tell you, but only because it can’t be worse than Engelbert Humperdinck.
My real name is Ballstaint Crotchasscockfart.
Sadly, I have the gayist, most unfortunate porn name of all time:
Fluffy Autumn.
I wish that was a joke.
According to your method, I’d be Amanda Lagrange.
However, I was JUST (seriously, right before this) reading a bulletin board that had a different way to determine your stripper name (stripper, porn, whatever), and my result was just way classier:
Sugar LeatherJugs
chunky monkey, please, tell me your different method. I need a new porn name that doesn’t make me sound like a tranny twinkie fluffer. I wish the rules were current pet and current street, which would make me Bruiser Preston. Way cooler than Fluffy Autumn. Damn the porn name gods!
acw, harry bushrod would do well to get a sponsorship from dick trickle
link
My porn name is Cinnamon Blenheim. It works, but I’d love to know your new method, Chunky Monkey. :)
Nothing’s worse than “Skippy Barnhouse”. *sigh*
Mine could be SO much worse, but I’d have Native Americans up in arms.
In other news, I got a big girl blog–info’s in the info for this comment.
Sincerely Yours,
Butterscotch Black River
mai estes?
oh dear.
Flossie Church. That needs some work.
You haven’t heard anything until you’ve heard the name Harry Wacker annoucned over a football stadium PA system. It goes a little something like this: “HARRY Harry harry harry WACKER Wacker wacker wacker.”
Awesome.
Zambia Woodring?! Ouch.
Lara 1st St.
Boring.
See, I know of a dentist whose name is Richard C. Litt. With a name like that, it’s a shame he’s not a crotchacologist. I could imagine the introductions now, “Hey there, I’m Dick Clitt, OB-GYN.”
I’ve always been partial to Dick Biggerstaff. I actually had an interview with a woman named Paula Pinkstaff. Needless to say, the interview went badly.
alexandra baring
Mine would be Laddie Linwood. In one of my old blogs, I mentioned a guy I knew by the name of Dick Wigger. Yep, his real name.
I used to assist Harry Bushrod’s clients in their home financing and could never keep a strait face on the phone.
Yours,
Sally Huntington
Well, Ballstaint, I just thought I’d leave you a message to let you know I just finished filling out the paperwork to change my name to Razzle Starcrest, because I’ve realized that that’s who I’ve always been, deep down inside. And it’s all because of you and your post… *sniff, wipe tear*….
I’m either Aqua or Baylee, and street names range from Farnum to Tappan (tappan that ass!) to Forest … there was Monroe, Thompson, Elm … and “East 3rd” and now it’s just a letter …
What I’m trying to say is, my porn name sucks. HARD.