I think most people are familiar with the “porno name” game that allows you to figure out what your porno name would be. All you have to do is take your first pet’s name and pair that with the name of the street where you grew up.
By means of example, my porn name would be Chuck Woodsdale. Not too bad. That name, a mullet, a moustache, a rock-hard vein-covered wang, and dubious plot will have me doing hygienically questionable things to a silicone-enhanced starlet’s butthole in no time!
At least I’m lucky enough as to not get stuck with a porno name like “Chester Flapjack” or “Neverhadapet Ruralroutenine”. People with names like those always end up as fluffers for guys like me and Robert Goulet.
Anyway, the only reason I bring this up is because I came across the perfect porn name the other day, and it wasn’t as a result of this silly game. It’s a porn-name so perfect that I hesitate to type it here, for fear that you’ll be so overcome with crotchal eruptions that you’ll unconsciously begin downloading porn by the terrabyte (and I’m not talking about regular Playboy porno either. I’m talking about stuff that’s illegal to have delivered through the mail). However, because this guy’s name is already plastered all over numerous neighborhoods by virtue of him being a Realtor, I will share his name with you now:
Harry Bushrod
Oh man! How unfortunate a name is THAT? The only way it could be worse would be if he were named “Hairy Hoohahdong” or “Furry Vaginapenis”. And what happens if it turns out he’s into dudes? His name becomes worthless! If I were gay I wouldn’t bang a guy named Harry Bushrod, that’s for damn sure. Yeah, I’d teabag him, but we wouldn’t have sex.
Though, to be honest, I’m not really in any place to make fun of somebodies name, as my name isn’t exactly Silver Screen material. I would most certainly have change my name if I ever wanted to make it in Hollywood. Some names just don’t go over well with the common folk. It’s why Thomas Mapother IV changed his name to Douchedick… I mean, Tom Cruise; and why Gerry Dorsey changed his name to something simpler, like Engelbert Humperdinck.
“So, what’s your real name?” you ask. Okay, I’ll tell you, but only because it can’t be worse than Engelbert Humperdinck.
My real name is Ballstaint Crotchasscockfart.
