Archive for April, 2006

You can thank me later

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on April 6, 2006 @ 9:08 am
in Mrs. ACW, jokes and sex
. 29 Comments

I realized this morning that I’m a pretty lucky fella. I’ve got a lady, so I don’t have to muddle around with all that dating garbage. I don’t have to worry about sub-contexts of phone-calls, or the hidden message I give out depending on whether or not I open the car-door for a date, or chew her food for her.

And all you single people out there who would prefer to be otherwise, I feel for you. All those single bastards who prefer to be single make it look like so much fun, and all of us coupled fuckers are constantly trying to set you up with that drooling, clubfoot mongoloid with the back-hair extensions and the female-pattern baldness from our significant other’s office.

I would apologize to you for your situations, but that wouldn’t really do you any good, would it? No. I’ll do you one better. I’ll let you have the top ten pick-up lines that I used to great success during my wild, uninhibited, and fun-filled single days. None of these lines ever failed me, and some of the better ones worked so well that I had to be careful not to say them to the wrong people, lest I spend another evening in jail after being charged with “Sexually acrobatic and perverse acts performed in public in front of women and children”.

So here you go. Use them wisely:

You look hungry. Lucky for you my peener is “All you can eat”.

Are you tired? Because you can use my peener for a pillow.

Let’s play doctor. My peener will be the thermometer. The rectal thermometer.

People call me LL Cool P. That stands for “Ladies Love Cool Peener”.

All work and no peener makes you a peenerless peener-holster.

Are you a parking ticket? Because you have ‘fine’ written all over you. And I want to pay the fine with my peener.

Is that my peener in your pocket, or am I just good at seeing the future?

Hey there beautiful. I’d like to put my peener inside you.

Did anyone order an enormous peener? Because my peener is enormous and is available for consumption at any time.

Is there any Irish in you? Would you like a huge amount stuffed into an orifice of your choosing vis à vis my peener?

And now for something completely different

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on April 5, 2006 @ 8:53 am
in necrophilia and sex
. 28 Comments

Read this article first please.

For those of you who are too lazy to read, here’s a summary:
SB1160 in Arizona would make sex with any non-human vertebrate, dead or alive, punishable by up to a year in prison.

Many of you may not want to read the rest of this post.

Look, I know I frequently sound like a pervert with nothing better to do but continue to be perverted, and pervert-up your daily internet time on your visit to Hello Kitty websites, but the above bill gets me thinking about things.

First of all, for all you haters, let me state that I think bestiality does NOT fall under any guidelines of “sexual freedom” because animals are not capable of consent. Having sex with a living animal is wrong because it’s frequently violent to the animal and the animal has no way of defending itself, especially if it has been drugged or inhibited in some way. I want nothing to do with bestiality. I think it’s revolting.

I know lots of you people out there like to tie each other up, or set yourselves on fire, or give each other mayonnaise enemas, or whatever. As long as you have consent from your partner(s) to do that, that’s fine. You can do whatever sick, perverted crap you can think of, and I would encourage you to do so. But animals are off limits.

But, once an animal is dead, what difference does it make if you bone it or not? What rights does that animal have once it’s dead? If you are upset by this, think about the next time you eat a hamburger, or some bacon. That animal was killed so you could eat it. What’s the difference in a dead animal being used for sex instead of food?

Now, we could talk all day about the morals of killing an animal for food versus killing an animal for sex, but what it really comes down to is that once something is dead, I don’t think it really retains any rights, and I think it’s silly for people to get so worked up about what is done to dead animals. Sure, I wouldn’t want to see my cats being used as someone’s sexual fantasy, but at least I would know that the cats were as capable of feeling discomfort as a pile of rocks would be.

Really, what’s wrong (besides being totally disgusting) with a hillbilly finding a dead deer on the side of the road and said hillbilly taking it back to his shack to have sex with it? It doesn’t hurt anybody, and it’s ridiculous for the government to be able to mandate what can or cannot be done with a dead animal, especially if that animal already belonged to you.

In my opinion, this is sort of the same as freedom of speech. If we don’t protect the speech of the neo-nazis and the Klan, we’re not protecting anyone’s speech. And if we don’t protect the necrobestiality sex-act, we’re not protecting anyone else’s freaky little kinks. Think about that the next time you’re doing your own, personal, freaky little thing. Imagine a law was made saying you couldn’t do your disgusting little perversion any longer. We’ve got to protect the uberfreaks or else they’re going to be jailing us all.

I know this post has totally disgusted and alienated some people, so for those of you who have made it this far, I offer you this as a brain cleanser.

Midwest elitists

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on April 4, 2006 @ 9:14 am
in beer, bitches and travel
. 26 Comments

If I said that there was a perception of the east coast, created by conservative politicians and the media, that the east coast is arrogant, self-important, and disdainful of all things, I’d wager most of you would agree with me.

I think we’ve all heard the stereotype of east-coast elitists who think they know what’s best for America while ignoring the vast region of the country between the two coasts. If you can ignore the idiocy of suggesting that the millions of voices on the coasts are somehow less significant than the hundreds of voices in, say, Kansas, then you know that the middle of the US is painted as some idyllic “hometown” where there is no crime, and everyone is friendly, welcoming, and humble.

I’d just like to let you know that it couldn’t be further from the truth. The arrogance in Kansas with regard to Kansans being “real Americans” is so over-the-top in its ubiquitousness that it’s really hard to believe. Everywhere you go you see example after example of Kansas claiming itself as not only America’s heartland, but America’s darling state.

The highway signs read “Kansas, America’s highways” as if the highways in every other state were being rented to us by swarthy Canadians with top-hats, handlebar moustaches, and devious last names like “Cheatley” or “Sodomeister”.

Everywhere you go in Kansas you see example after example of Kansas claiming some benign and universally American object as its own. America’s Main Street, America’s Front Porch, America’s Toilet Brush, America’s Laxative Manufacturer, etc. Perhaps the most galling example, if you can overlook the fact that Kansas has already essentially taken a mountainous dump on the rest of us, is Kansas’ claim that they are America’s Air (Flight) Capital or some such nonsense. I think North Carolina and Ohio could justifiably beat the yokels out of Kansas and take that title for themselves, but they already have other things to be proud about.

And that’s really what this is all about. Kansas is at such a loss for things to be proud about that they have snatched up and branded every skull-throbbingly mundane happenstance in their state and labeled it as if it was bestowed on them by “America” by virtue of Kansas being “America’s” favorite state. What a bunch of bullshit.

Kansas is like that friend you have who doesn’t really have anything going in his life, so he takes credit for the most appallingly boring things and then attributes it to some higher force. For example:

You: Hey, I just won the world record for the most consecutive hours spent reading the awesome blog “Anonymouscoworker.com”!

Them: Oh, yeah, well, the refrigerator repairman came by today, and he said that my fridge is pretty much the most regular fridge he’s ever seen, so he told me that I’m the official “unofficial” CEO of GE now.

That’s what Kansas does. Arrogant pricks.

So the next time some dumb-dumb spouts off at you about the virtues of Middle America, and how they’re straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting or some other shit like that, and how east coast folks are elitists or some other such nonsense, you just pull up this website and show them “America’s Pub” in Wichita.

These fuckers are so elite that they can’t be bothered to install a door handle so people can get in.

Catsup

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on April 3, 2006 @ 10:04 am
in suhmuhmuh bitch, travel and work
. 19 Comments

I have lots to do to catch-up with all the emails people sent me, and frantic follow up emails with subject lines like “!!!!!”, because people are too dumb to understand my vacation message that was sent to everyone who emailed me.

“I will be out of the office and unable to respond to email from Wednesday 3/29 at 5pm until Monday 4/3 at 8:30 am. If you need immediate assistance, please contact X at (xxx) xxx-xxxx”

Upon having that message arrive in your inbox, would you email me AGAIN with a rambling and grammatically nightmarish message about things you want me to do? Of course not, because you’re not an idiot.

So while I’m sorting through the people to dumb to know their derriere from an excavation in Terra firma, I want to tell you a quick story, and then get some feedback from you.

I was on the 4th floor of a 4 story hotel in Wichita (a skyscraper by their standards) and on a trip in the elevator down to the lobby, the elevator stopped on the 3rd floor and a group of people got on.

One of the people was some sort of sales rep, or company representative, or something like that, because he immediately started bloviating about his product. He was saying lots of stuff, but none of it really had any meaning, or weight. He was using lots of jargon like, “synergy, deliverables, market placement, and mayonnaise enema” but what really stood out were a couple of specific things he said.

At one point when speaking about a “marketing blitz” he also mentioned that his company had split the regional teams into separate “axises” and that they were on their way to completing the “final solution” for their customer.

I kept waiting for him to shout “Sieg heil” and give the Nazi salute, but it never happened.

Now, I could understand if he had only mentioned one of those terms, or even two of them, but all three mentioned in just a few sentences suggested one of a few things to me.

A) He’s a WWII enthusiast, and he couldn’t help but have the jargon slip from his unconscious.
B) He’s a neo-nazi peddling crap software in the midwest.
C) He’s so oblivious about world history that he has no idea how “blitz” “Axis” and “final solution” could be misconstrued.

What do you think? Is it A, B, or C, or, like everyone else, do you think I’m reading too much into it?

Oh, I should also mention that he was dressed like a stormtrooper, had a Hitler moustache, had a thick German accent, and was carrying books about how the Holocaust was a hoax.

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