AnonymousCoworker

I’m not sure if everyone thinks that asking “How’s the wedding planning going?” or “How is the house coming along?” are questions that will earn them some sort of long, and oft-times hilarious story about a ne’er-do-well caterer or plumbing problem that features primarily a 35-second monologue about exploding feces, or if they’re just using those questions as an excuse to not talk about the weather. Either way, I never really deliver on either count.

Usually I have enough energy to explain once or twice a day a specific problem that we have related to the wedding.

“Oh, the hotel rooms need to be booked, but the hotel is 3 miles from the wedding site, and we need to arrange a shuttle because the hotel doesn’t have one.”

It’s so boring. But people keep asking, so I keep telling them. Really, there is no less-exciting project than the planning of a wedding. It sucks. It feels like work. Except there’s no paycheck.

And the answers to the house question are even worse because they first require an explanation about how the house is configured in order for the questioner to understand why any of the problems I might choose to describe would be troublesome. Every time I make it through that same configuration description, I surprise myself that my brain hasn’t liquefied and trickled out of my ears in an act of rebellion.

So I guess I could talk about my cats, but people hate hearing about other people’s pets. It’s usually, “Spot did the cutest thing the other day. He was begging at dinner, so we told him to go sit down, and he got a sad face! It was so cute! I took three thousand pictures and emailed them to you.” I mean sure, every now and then some innovative pet crawls into his owner’s boxer shorts and uses the owner’s testicles like a speedbag. In those cases, that pet owner is almost required to tell other people that story. But for the most part, my cats are boring too.

In my boring life I have a few things that keep me from completely losing it. One of those things is spam email. On the one hand, spam email drives me to the brink of insanity with its insidiousness, but on the other hand, where else are you going to get email attachment with subject lines like this:

Do you know that whales dick weights 1 ton.

It’s a bevy of spelling and grammatical errors in just nine words, and on top of all that, it still makes reference to a humongous whale penis. How can you lose!?

So here are nine of the most recent spam subject lines I’ve seen, plus one in there that I made up. Maybe I’ll send a cookie to the first person that guesses which one is fake.

Advanced Gain Pro can not only lengthen your penis

Do you want your dick to be wallpaper for a computer?

Are you tired of staring at Playboy trying to cause erection?

You have to try Penis Enlarge Patch to go from kitten to tiger!

With our new Viagr@ Soft Tabs you w1ll be able to open @ bottle of beer with your penis.

If penises could talk, they would definitely ask you to order Penis Enlarge Patch.

Are you tired of your friend bragging about having wonderful sex every night?

Fucking a man with a small dick is like fucking a rabbit.

For your wifes b-day you want to make a sperm firework for her? Soft Cialis Tabs is your solution.

Your dick is your visit card, so make it big and make it hard.