1)I’ve gone to great lengths to avoid being audited by the IRS. I’ve checked and double-checked my tax return, both on my own, and using Turbo Tax’s error checking program. Plus, I’ve looked at all the numbers in a “common sense” way, and they all look normal, with nothing standing out as particularly odd. However, I did go to some extra trouble this year to ensure that my taxes were not to be the subject of a federal audit, and all it took was some flag-waving, jingoist-leaning, comically patriotic packaging for the envelope that bore my tax return.
You can see a detailed view of the envelopes here. (careful, it’s a big’un.)
Anybody who pulls the lever for an audit on this one is a commie-sniffing, Taliban-loving, America-hating America-Hater.
2)When you’re rocketing down I-95 towards the nation’s capital at greater than 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit while stuffing your face with three-day old, leftover, soy and curry pork-chops that you’re eating out of a plastic bag, and you’re listening to the Public Enemy soundtrack to the Spike Lee movie “He Got Game” and Chuck D breaks for some ad libbing by Flava Flav (who has rendered you to nothing more than a heap of giggles due to his unintentionally hilarious outbursts during the hit VH1 reality show, “Flavor of Love”) and Flav says something about the millennium crisis to the effect of, “we gettin ready to turn this shit to the two and three zeros/ ya know what I’m sayin/ have all the clocks goin backwards/ have everything goin haywire/ you laughed before, let’s see you laugh now blue cow”, it’s probably best that you don’t try to hold back your laughter, because cleaning soy and curried pork off of the inside of your windshield at 80 miles and hour is exponentially less distracting than trying to collect a chunklet of pork chop that has embedded itself in your nasal cavity after you snorted at Flav’s bonkers conspiratorial nature.
now for the requisite simpsons reference:
“Marge in case anyone asks, you require 24 hour nursing care, Bart you were wounded in Vietnam and Lisa - uh, you’re 7 people….”
How old was the pork?
Freakin’ OUCH!
I’ve got you beat — if I would have had to pay anything, which I did not, I have POW-MIA checks. Take that!
I used a breast cancer stamp and a national parks return address label. I am so getting audited this year.
i used blood to scrawl the address on a recycled envelope.
i’m getting audited and arrested! i’m a terrorist!
Its the Mystic Juices man, ot made him all kinds of wack.
or it coulda been the Night Train. Or the crack.
Maybe I shouldn’t have signed my return: Come and get me, candyassed nancyboys.
That’s brilliant. Thrice insured!
Soy and curried pork? How do you eat that crap? That’s so un-American.
1. I’m immediately suspicious of anyone who has American flag mailing labels, and with the addition of the stamp and sticker… that’s just a bit weird.
2. Soy, mixed with curry? Dude, that just confirms the weird.
on Monday, I bravely put my American flag stamp on upside-down (that’s a trick I learned when I was “in the movement”).
power to the people!