I realized this morning that I’m a pretty lucky fella. I’ve got a lady, so I don’t have to muddle around with all that dating garbage. I don’t have to worry about sub-contexts of phone-calls, or the hidden message I give out depending on whether or not I open the car-door for a date, or chew her food for her.
And all you single people out there who would prefer to be otherwise, I feel for you. All those single bastards who prefer to be single make it look like so much fun, and all of us coupled fuckers are constantly trying to set you up with that drooling, clubfoot mongoloid with the back-hair extensions and the female-pattern baldness from our significant other’s office.
I would apologize to you for your situations, but that wouldn’t really do you any good, would it? No. I’ll do you one better. I’ll let you have the top ten pick-up lines that I used to great success during my wild, uninhibited, and fun-filled single days. None of these lines ever failed me, and some of the better ones worked so well that I had to be careful not to say them to the wrong people, lest I spend another evening in jail after being charged with “Sexually acrobatic and perverse acts performed in public in front of women and children”.
So here you go. Use them wisely:
You look hungry. Lucky for you my peener is “All you can eat”.
Are you tired? Because you can use my peener for a pillow.
Let’s play doctor. My peener will be the thermometer. The rectal thermometer.
People call me LL Cool P. That stands for “Ladies Love Cool Peener”.
All work and no peener makes you a peenerless peener-holster.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you have ‘fine’ written all over you. And I want to pay the fine with my peener.
Is that my peener in your pocket, or am I just good at seeing the future?
Hey there beautiful. I’d like to put my peener inside you.
Did anyone order an enormous peener? Because my peener is enormous and is available for consumption at any time.
Is there any Irish in you? Would you like a huge amount stuffed into an orifice of your choosing vis à vis my peener?
It’s only mildly disturbing that you consistently refer to your manhood as your peener. Only mildly.
And that last one left me all tingly…
Just shaking my head, wondering who let you live while using those pick-up lines
you had me at “hello.”
eebmore: ROFLMAO!
(that trumped any biting bitchy single chick comment I coulda come up with)
Wait wait, I feel [peener] that you are [peener] trying to [peener] tell us [peener] something!
PS: Loved the last one:)
and yet….she STILL said “yes”.
amazing!
See, that’s how you know she loves you…..you and your…um………..
yeah.
A peener in a pocket? Is that like a wocket? Maybe that’s what Dr. Seuss meant all that time…
I always knew that Seuss was a perv…..
would not, could not in a tree.
not in a car! you let me be.
i do not like them in a box.
i do not like them with a fox.
i do not like them in a house.
i do not like them with a mouse.
a perv with serious control issues…(what rhymes with “stalker”?)
Can we go back to talk of humping road kill?
I never want to hear or read the word “peener” again.
What I find most hilarious about the overuse of the word ‘peener’ is that it is my favorite phallic reference that exists. It’s the perfect balance of funny (because dicks are funny) and obvious (you KNOW what a peener is) that gets me everytime. Keep going with that peener. The only thing that’s better than ‘peener’ is ‘tiny peener,’ which I personally use to refer to guys who drive hummers.
MIL- What would YOU have me call it? My wang? Schlong? What?
Serra- Are you kidding me? These lines work EVERY TIME.
eebmore- You complete me. Show me the money!
Zenchick- Why would you have been bitchy? If you took the time to actually read the post, you would have noticed that I was comiserating with the plight of the single person.
Nuggetmaven- Not trying to tell you anything. Just sharing some wisdom. Thanks!
Patti- I told her this idea yesterday, and she rolled her eyes and immediately helped me think of more lines.
Bekah- Probly. Dr. Suess was a sicko.
Patti- Walker. Talker. Caulker. etc.
Stick- Tomorrow.
CBK- Peener peener peener peener peener peener peener.
Soapboxdevil- It’s also my favorite, primarily because it’s fun to say.
thank you later? i’m going to thank you now! you know i’m going to try these out this weekend…
I’m not trying to hate or anything.
I’m just not entirely sure that “vis a vis” works well in a pickup liine. I’ll have to admit I’ve never tried it…so you could totally know way more than I do about this. Buuuuuuut…you also think dead animals deserve a good boinking….so *shrug*
Oooh la la liz- I assure you that you will be successful in your endeavors.
Patti- Whoa whoa whoa. I don’t think that dead animals DESERVE a good boinking. I just don’t think that the government should regulate our sexual behaviors.
regulate our sexual behaviors…..WITH DEAD ANIMALS!
you know…I’m starting to wonder exactly what you endured or witnessed in Kansas. You can talk about it, it’s okay. ;)
I will never be able to eat Sag Paneer without thinking that is is actually Sag Peener. Thank you.
OK… I’m not sure what is more disturbing. The fact that you refer to it as a “peener”, or the fact that I spent a few minutes thinking “What’s a peener?”, which in my mind had some kind of wierd french pronunciation.
For some reason, peener has me thinking of Cheech & Chong.
Actually, I started thinking of the recent hubbub about immigration reform, or as Lou Dobb’s says: “What to do with all these peeners?”.
Mang.
okay, first of all it’s commiserate, not comiserate.
And second of all…that implies having empathy because the commiserator is in a similar situation. You are like 12 and getting married! Are you implying that I need your pity? (that’s rhetorical, in manner of explanation of why I WOULD have made a bitchy comment, had eebmore not made me make a little tinkle with his comment…not to be confused with an ACTUAL bitchy comment)
Well, you make a good point. I suppose peener is okay.
peener peener pumpkin eater.
wow… i think i have to dump English and go for some irish peener.
Of all of them, the traffic ticket is my favorite.
For the record, we call it teeter here. Or monster. Or Loch Ness. Lots of ego stroking.
SO, here’s the latest TISH = Baltimore update: looks like last weekend in September..I shall be there. You WILL bring ACWF and we shall congregate in a place of your choosing, drink copious amounts of liquor, and trade blog stories. With pics, mind you. Must have pics. Check with your Queen, and get back to me.
This has been a TISH update. You now may return to Peener world.
Modern day definition of peener: (n) pee-ner; one who peens
i used them all..
at the same time..
on the same gal..
AND THOSE PANTIES PEELED RIGHT OFF!
THANKS ACW!
ACW IS A DIRTY BIRDY. :P
I don’t mind a dirty come on, especially for a laugh, but if he refers to anything as his “peener,” he’s definitely getting kicked there.
Here’s my line.
“Got any McKrauthuaniungarianglish in you? Would you like some McKrauthuaniungarianglish in you? Yeah, you would, huh? My caucasian mutt self is bout to give it to yo’ bitch ass!”
Actually, that doesn’t work, what with my being a chick, but I might try saying that later anyway.