If I said that there was a perception of the east coast, created by conservative politicians and the media, that the east coast is arrogant, self-important, and disdainful of all things, I’d wager most of you would agree with me.
I think we’ve all heard the stereotype of east-coast elitists who think they know what’s best for America while ignoring the vast region of the country between the two coasts. If you can ignore the idiocy of suggesting that the millions of voices on the coasts are somehow less significant than the hundreds of voices in, say, Kansas, then you know that the middle of the US is painted as some idyllic “hometown” where there is no crime, and everyone is friendly, welcoming, and humble.
I’d just like to let you know that it couldn’t be further from the truth. The arrogance in Kansas with regard to Kansans being “real Americans” is so over-the-top in its ubiquitousness that it’s really hard to believe. Everywhere you go you see example after example of Kansas claiming itself as not only America’s heartland, but America’s darling state.
The highway signs read “Kansas, America’s highways” as if the highways in every other state were being rented to us by swarthy Canadians with top-hats, handlebar moustaches, and devious last names like “Cheatley” or “Sodomeister”.
Everywhere you go in Kansas you see example after example of Kansas claiming some benign and universally American object as its own. America’s Main Street, America’s Front Porch, America’s Toilet Brush, America’s Laxative Manufacturer, etc. Perhaps the most galling example, if you can overlook the fact that Kansas has already essentially taken a mountainous dump on the rest of us, is Kansas’ claim that they are America’s Air (Flight) Capital or some such nonsense. I think North Carolina and Ohio could justifiably beat the yokels out of Kansas and take that title for themselves, but they already have other things to be proud about.
And that’s really what this is all about. Kansas is at such a loss for things to be proud about that they have snatched up and branded every skull-throbbingly mundane happenstance in their state and labeled it as if it was bestowed on them by “America” by virtue of Kansas being “America’s” favorite state. What a bunch of bullshit.
Kansas is like that friend you have who doesn’t really have anything going in his life, so he takes credit for the most appallingly boring things and then attributes it to some higher force. For example:
You: Hey, I just won the world record for the most consecutive hours spent reading the awesome blog “Anonymouscoworker.com”!
Them: Oh, yeah, well, the refrigerator repairman came by today, and he said that my fridge is pretty much the most regular fridge he’s ever seen, so he told me that I’m the official “unofficial” CEO of GE now.
That’s what Kansas does. Arrogant pricks.
So the next time some dumb-dumb spouts off at you about the virtues of Middle America, and how they’re straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting or some other shit like that, and how east coast folks are elitists or some other such nonsense, you just pull up this website and show them “America’s Pub” in Wichita.
These fuckers are so elite that they can’t be bothered to install a door handle so people can get in.
I apologize ahead of time for leaving a semiserious comment. I can’t speak with an intimate knowledge of Kansasians perceptions of east coasters, but I have noticed that when I’m speaking to New Englanders, especially those from Mass. (including relatives) their general attitude about life seems to be a) it is you job and duty to earn my respect, b) why does the rest of the world not understand that I and people who think just like me are right about everything?, and c)everyone from everywhere else are vile peons. Actually, I used to have a roommate from Southie and she was really cool, but every other Masshole that I’ve ever met can lick my taint. Seeing how general attitudes seem to fall into regional territories, I suspect there is some truth to the midwestern perception of of the East Coast mindset. What I can’t get about midwesterners is the fact (as you’ve pointed out) that they think they are representative of some sort of American ideal. They think they’re garbled swallowy fucked up accent is somehow America’s Accent, etc. etc. etc. Whenever I hear a midwestern accent (basically any one of the different types), I want to drive my head into brick wall. It is the most grating sound I have ever heard. All they are representative of is their own region, but somehow have come to believe that it has some sort of broad overall meaning and is definitive of America. eh, whatever. I guess I’m saying stereotypes are more often than not right.
“they’re” ??? I meant “their.” I think I’m forgetting english.
Here is a haiku, edited from it’s original version in order to apply to your post:
i hate witchita
fucking creepy witchita
die motherfuckers
I wish I could take full credit for it, but the original author’s text (my favorite ever craigslist posting) can be found here: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2389671.html
Nebraska, Kansas, what’s the difference?
I liked the Midwest. The low cost of living and friendly people made for some of its shortcomings. Having said that, I can honestly say that most stupid people on the planet live in Kansas. I’ve been to Wichita, Topeka, and McPherson and I’ve met none dumber. This goes a long way in explaining their voting habits.
“Kansas - America’s Toilet Brush”
you should definitely see their state’s marketing department for a job.
And if you think visiting in this neck of the woods is irritating, try living here and seeing/hearing this shit every day. It’s the most insane attitude. From “The Bible Belt” to “Tornado Alley” to “The Heartland”…I’ve turned about as anti-”their-version-of-american” as I can get and still get up every day.
Try TELLING these freaks that they’re no better and in fact might be worse than the average town anywhere else. It’s a lot like trying to discuss physics with your cat.
“America’s Heartland”………more like America’s Armpit, or America’s Rotten Crotch. It’s an evil little place with lots of simple minded evil little people. Myself excluded of course. :-)
Last time I was in Kansas, I saw a big snapping turtle.
Big assed turtle, it was.
Yep. Biiiiiiiiiig turtle.
Yep.
I think it was America’s Turtle.
Wow, they couldn’t even be bothered to pick up America’s pink litter on America’s brightest-lit cement hallway to America’s lamest sports bar ever.
I’m from the East Coast and I’m better than all of you. Especially anyone from Kansas.
America’s Pub: A bar so nice they’ve addressed it twice.
eebmore- You’re just mad because you know people from Baltimore City are dirtballs, and people who live in Glen Burnie are awesome.
DL- I’m not surprised that Wichita fits into that haiku so well.
tfg- I can’t deny that the cost of living was nice, and most of the people were friendly. But I’ll take a cynical self-loathing city over an overblown self-cheerleader any day.
Patti- I have a feeling that you’re a midwestern transplant.
Hink- A turtle, eh? Are you sure you didn’t just forget to zip your pants?
Jess- I certainly couldn’t be bothered. Besides, they’d need a lot more trash on the ground before I even started to notice it.
Scarlet- East Side mofos!
Hink- That’s so only the smart Kansans can find it.
i’m a “masshole” and i resent that.
also, wichita clearly sucks. when i drove cross country i found there is a great deal of stuff in the middle that is “colorful” like that.
i hereby name *golden state* “America’s blog.”
I’m adding Kansas to the list of states to declare in need of a good fucking.
miss kendra, the “lick my taint” statement was intended to be a playful flirtation, not a hostile exclaimation. you know, like dogs in the park. err, okay, so i’m lying. i thought you were an angelina. I was actually talking about a couple of ex’s.
malnurtured snay, I am hereby delcaring you a state.
Kansas is the new Chicago with their speakeasy entrances. What…do ya’ have to know the secret knock or something?
as a new yorker, transplanted to omaha, nebraska…via boston and atlanta…i have to say that there are assholes all over, all of whom believe with every fiber of their being that their region is, of course, superior and anyone who would even *contemplate* living anywhere else is basically an insane fuckwit.
i love many things about the northeast, and it will always be home…but people in omaha at least (having never lived in kansas i can’t speak to the fact that they may be as a whole a special breed of fuckwit) are fairly nice and decent, and only occassionally have an overblown sense of “i’m the true representation of america”
of course you can’t get away from the “heartland” crap no matter what.
hope you are successfully avoiding the tornadoes and that you will be allowed to leave the midwest soon
also, i’m new to reading you and love the blog
i am an LA transplant. i’m far to polite/considerate/well-mannered to actually be and angelina.
but apology accepted. let us never speak of your taint again.
taint making any promises.
I’m from both these worlds. I was born and raised in the Midwest (albeit the Great Lakes, not the “other Midwest”) and I now live in Boston (Southie, to be exact). I sort of like that people around here aren’t fake nice, but still are wowed by my politeness.
So I’m not a Masshole, but you couldn’t pay me enough to move back to the Midwest, dude. And don’t even talk to me about moving to a Red State.
My non-accent accent does fucking rule though.
dude. everyone i ever speak to in massachusetts is a transplant from fucking los angeles.
and here i thought i was being semi-original by moving here. *sigh*
I haven’t met any Angelenos or whatever they’re called since I’ve moved here, for the record.
And I like to think that I’m original, since everyone from Detroit seems to move to Chicago, if anywhere.
Actually I was born and raised here. I was conceived in Florida though so….that’s probably it.
All right, I gotta fess up here. I live in Kansas City. I grew up in Topeka. I spent a year at Wichita State which totally sucked - no argument from me there. I don’t find KC to be NEARLY as obnoxious as the rest of Midwest as evidenced by the fact that I continue to live here. And its (relatively speaking anyway) a city as opposed to all the podunk small towns where you really get a dose of that vomitous “hometown-y” shit.
HOWEVER - all the Claims to Fame exist because *sniff sniff* nobody loves us! We get no attention from the coasts. We have no attrations. No beach, no mountains. Nothing important ever happens here so we have to do SOMETHING to promote ourselves. All we have in the national media is FredFuckingPhelps and our asshole school board trying to legislate *shutter* “creative design”.
Believe it or not, there are some well educated blue state hippie damn dirty liberals sprinkled among the Bible-thumping majority but we are always drowned out. Oh well, cost of living is FANTASTIC and we’ll never have to worry about terrorist attacks since there is nothing of importance out on the ol’ prairie. Sad that I’ll have to send my child to a CATHOLIC private school to have someone teach her about evolution but you can’t have it all.
Kendra- Whatevs, masshole.
Snay- Don’t put Rhode Island on there, they have an issue with their size.
eebmore- You’re cracking me up today.
Allison- For reals, yo!
Puck- Good points. Also, thanks!
Kendra- You shouldn’t have said it….
eebmore- … and that’s why.
GIC- Whatever, masshole.
Wendykat- WOuld that make them Lasholes?
GIC- Representin’ SOuthie bitches!
Patti- Ah, so you don’t know no better. ;)
SalGal- It’s not the people that bothered me, just the mindset. You are obviously awesome.
ACW - so far only Texas and Kansas. And, yeah, like eebmore said, me too.
ACW, you’re just jealous of my non-accent. Detroit Rock City!