If I said that there was a perception of the east coast, created by conservative politicians and the media, that the east coast is arrogant, self-important, and disdainful of all things, I’d wager most of you would agree with me.
I think we’ve all heard the stereotype of east-coast elitists who think they know what’s best for America while ignoring the vast region of the country between the two coasts. If you can ignore the idiocy of suggesting that the millions of voices on the coasts are somehow less significant than the hundreds of voices in, say, Kansas, then you know that the middle of the US is painted as some idyllic “hometown” where there is no crime, and everyone is friendly, welcoming, and humble.
I’d just like to let you know that it couldn’t be further from the truth. The arrogance in Kansas with regard to Kansans being “real Americans” is so over-the-top in its ubiquitousness that it’s really hard to believe. Everywhere you go you see example after example of Kansas claiming itself as not only America’s heartland, but America’s darling state.
The highway signs read “Kansas, America’s highways” as if the highways in every other state were being rented to us by swarthy Canadians with top-hats, handlebar moustaches, and devious last names like “Cheatley” or “Sodomeister”.
Everywhere you go in Kansas you see example after example of Kansas claiming some benign and universally American object as its own. America’s Main Street, America’s Front Porch, America’s Toilet Brush, America’s Laxative Manufacturer, etc. Perhaps the most galling example, if you can overlook the fact that Kansas has already essentially taken a mountainous dump on the rest of us, is Kansas’ claim that they are America’s Air (Flight) Capital or some such nonsense. I think North Carolina and Ohio could justifiably beat the yokels out of Kansas and take that title for themselves, but they already have other things to be proud about.
And that’s really what this is all about. Kansas is at such a loss for things to be proud about that they have snatched up and branded every skull-throbbingly mundane happenstance in their state and labeled it as if it was bestowed on them by “America” by virtue of Kansas being “America’s” favorite state. What a bunch of bullshit.
Kansas is like that friend you have who doesn’t really have anything going in his life, so he takes credit for the most appallingly boring things and then attributes it to some higher force. For example:
You: Hey, I just won the world record for the most consecutive hours spent reading the awesome blog “Anonymouscoworker.com”!
Them: Oh, yeah, well, the refrigerator repairman came by today, and he said that my fridge is pretty much the most regular fridge he’s ever seen, so he told me that I’m the official “unofficial” CEO of GE now.
That’s what Kansas does. Arrogant pricks.
So the next time some dumb-dumb spouts off at you about the virtues of Middle America, and how they’re straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting or some other shit like that, and how east coast folks are elitists or some other such nonsense, you just pull up this website and show them “America’s Pub” in Wichita.
These fuckers are so elite that they can’t be bothered to install a door handle so people can get in.
