So, my body is covered in a rash.
But not like a filthy, horrible-looking rash like this, this, or this.
It’s more of a light rash, like chicken pox, or an allergic reaction or something. Like a charming, little venereal disease that chose to colonize on my body rather than focusing on my genitalia, which have remained much to my relief, rash free.
Or, maybe it looks like I’m covered in mosquito bites. Actually, that’s probably the most accurate description so far. It’s like a whole bunch of mosquitoes decided to hold their family reunion on my torso and upper legs, and then they all started feeding simultaneously. Sucking out my tasty, sexy, delicious blood. That’s right. Not only does my blood taste like buttered popcorn and bacon, but it’s also an aphrodisiac. Vampires have paid me hundreds of dollars for just a few platelets. It’s like Viagra for them, and you know they need it since their wieners are like two-thousand years old. Vampires aren’t as passionate as you would think. Mostly, they’re just accountants and medical equipment vendors with saggy, millennial scholngs.
Anyway, back to my rash. I have no idea where it came from, but Benadryl has been completely ineffective, except to put me quickly to sleep and subject me to crazy dreams. Also, it doesn’t itch. It’s just kind of there. I mean, as far as medical problems go, I guess this is a good one to have, since it’s completely aesthetic, and it doesn’t effect my junk. At the same time, I’d prefer to not look like I was just used as Fuddruckers for an 8-year old mosquito’s birthday party.
I have an appointment today at 2 with the doctor, so we’ll see what he says. Even though the rash is all up on my stomach and chest, he’ll probably insist on stuffing one, if not two, fingers into my butthole. And it’s getting to the point where I don’t believe he needs so many Polaroids of me with his fingers up my butt for his medical “portfolio”. But whatever, I get a free refill of Percoset with each visit, so I don’t really mind, and the Percoset will come in handy in Kansas. I just wish he would use some Vaseline or something.
UPDATE:
Guess what everybody? It’s pityriasis rosea! I was so sure that I’d gotten elephant herpes from all of the pachyderm butt-spelunking that I’ve been doing lately, but it turns out I have instead contracted a disease with no cure! Seriously. On top of that, it seems to only affect .13% of men. That makes me feel so special!
Here’s more info:
Background: Pityriasis rosea (PR) is an acute and characteristic exanthem that has been described for more than 2 centuries. Initially, a primary plaque, called a herald patch, is seen. The herald patch is followed by a distinctive, generalized rash 1-2 weeks later. The rash lasts approximately 2-6 weeks.
Pathophysiology: The primary plaque is seen on the skin in 50-90% of cases a week or more before the onset of the eruption of smaller lesions. This secondary eruption occurs 2-21 days later in crops following the lines of cleavage of the skin. On the back, this eruption produces a “Christmas tree” pattern. [I don't have any of that christmas tree shit]
Frequency:
* In the US: The overall prevalence of PR has been calculated to be 0.13% in men and 0.14% in women. The prevalence reported at dermatologic centers has been between 0.3 and 3%.
* Internationally: An increase in the prevalence of PR has been reported in Uganda. No change in the prevalence of PR has been reported in Sweden.
Mortality/Morbidity: PR is a self-limited benign illness. [This means I'm not contagious, and they have no idea where it comes from.]
Sex: PR is reported to occur equally in the two sexes or slightly more often in females. The ratio of men to women varies from 2:0.55.
Age: PR is most common in children and young adults. Prevalence of PR rises during childhood and is most common in persons aged 15-40 years. PR is rare in infants and in the elderly; however, it has been reported in infants as young as 3 months.
I fucking HATE it when I get diseases that my doctors have never seen before. I swear, this is like the third thing I’ve gone to the doctor about and they’ve been completely stumped. At least this time they finally found an answer. I’m still trying to figure out why my larynx occaisionally feels like it’s sliding to the right of its own accord.
Hey, do me a favor. Try to smile this time. You looked so tense in the last set of polaroids that I bought from him.
I saw some of those pictures online, but thought they were from Abu Ghraib. What was the black hood for?
hey, try that cream I lent you for the *other* condition
Ok, that’s weird because my aunt has the exact same rash. She’s had it for about a week and it’s everywhere, including in her mouth. Anyway, her doctor didn’t know what the cause was and put her on antibiotics and benadryl. I’m interested to hear what your doctor says about the rash and whether or not he will use Vaseline this time around. Update us after your appointment.
Sleepin around with Diamond Lil’s Aunt??!! What will ACWF say?
Ok, that last paragraph was just gross. Gross, but funny.
I hope your rash gets better…let us know how it turns out with the ass-feeling doctor. It’s probably some weird reaction to something you ate…or a reverse VD from all your questionable activities. Who knows?
I can’t take Benadryl for anything because I’m allergic - I hallucinate. Apparently you have the same issue with the crazy dreams and all!
it’s not itchy? that’s weird.
please do tell us what it is. i must know.
An ER nurse told me Tagamet can work for allergic reactions too.
Maybe you’ve developed an allergic reaction to cats. You’ll just have to send them to me. You’ve got my address.
Maybe you should pre-lube your bung-holio before going to the quack.
You’ll be allowed into Britland for your honeymoon, right?
Will it always be there? Are you going to be on meds for it for the rest of your life? Or do you have to use a cream? Or meds and a cream? Will ACWF get it from you? Is she really grossed out to the point where she won’t touch you? Will you post pictures of it?
“I don’t have any of that christmas tree shit”
but do you have cleavage?
tfg- I WAS smiling. I just can’t help but grit my teeth though.
CBK- He said the hood was for the “perverts”.
Neckbone- Oh, you mean the anal herpes you gave me. Sure, I’ll try the anal herpes cream. By the way, do you still have anal herpes?
DL- Updated!
Broadsheet- ACWF doesn’t care because she knows I’m her baby daddy.
Rusty- If Benadryl made me hallucinate I would take it all the time.
Kendra- Nope, not itchy. It’s like full-body acne, but without the puss.
Serra- Maybe it’ll make the bumps slightly less red and bumpy.
KC- Sure, I’ll just pack them into an airtight container and send them via the next refrigerated truck.
Phoenix- The last time I did that he gave me some anti-biotics and told me to come back for pictures again in two weeks.
Huw- I sure hope so, otherwise I’ll have to be packed into ACWF’s suitcase and smuggled in.
Bekah- No. No. Nope. No. No. Nope. No.
Zenchick- Well, I can’t help having fantastic bosoms.
did you not notice your “herald patch”?
i’ve been reading up on this skin dealie, and i would like to tahnk you for getting it instead of me. because seriously, this is the sort of thing that usually happens to me.
Oh crap. I am a complete hypochondriac and this is something I would totally get. Crap.
Dude, can I have your cats?
No worries. I’ve had PR before and it didn’t even last a week.
I dunno, tfg. I know a guy who got PR and has had it longer than his last set of luggage.
I also know a guy who got HIV on his eyelids: Yep, Visual AIDS. Word has it he was looking for love in all the wrong places.
I had this when I was your age. It sucked donkey balls. I had the classic Christmas Tree pattern and it was EVERYWHERE. The little red spots became like little blisters and oozed. Nasty, nasty, nasty. Took 6 weeks to clear up.
I was scared to click on your rash links at work. The last one (before the mosquito bites) had me laughing so hard. You are awesome even though you are rashy.
Frank Stallone…heheheh. Christmas tree pattern on the back? Holy hell does this sound like an uncomfortable, unpleasant health hazard! Hope it clears up soon.
I had a rash this week as well, but it was purely face product-related. On my neck, though, which isn’t too attractive. Fucking $75 neck rash. That’s what I get for using toner from Japan.
So if I want to meet you in Wichita…you’ll be the polka dotted guy in the corner right? ha.
This is CLEARLY karmic retribution at work. Because lord knows I’ve been praying for your immediate smiting by any means necissary ever since I first met you. And I can’t be the only one.
You’re just lucky you got off with a rash. I was pushing for “Death by Gang-of-goats rape.”
REPENT!!!
hey, that herald patch is hard to spot since it starts out all by itself before spreading like leprosy to the rest of your body.
and it won’t itch yet. it will start. take cool showers. and don’t bother with the creams. they just keep it from itching but in about a month or so it should clear up.
but i would suggest switching to one of those sensitive skin lotions, soaps, and laundry detergents. it will help keep the irritation down.
do i sound like i’m talking from experience? you bet your rash free man junk i am.
hey metallica plays some heavy exanthems
I’m writing this because I want to reach out to all those people who suffered the same ordeal as mine. This has affected my social life. I was so depressed that I wanted to end my life. I though I will never survive this until I was healed. Thank God!
Origin of my illness is UNKNOWN. Therefore, there is no known cure but there is HOPE!
My Story
Actually I noticed a crust on my feet thinking it was just a corn/callous peeling off. Not until I went to my dermatologist for my monthly derma check up when she noticed wrinkled circles on my back. She said that it was just PR. I thought it was just some form of skin disorder and would go away if i followed her prescription, she gave me a cream and tea-tree soap. After 2 weeks, I noticed an itchy red spot on my arm which started to itch, then it got bigger and bigger and started to multiply. I sought another doctor, a skin pathologist. Same diagnosis. I put on a steroid type of lotion on my skin and used oatmeal soap for my bath. It just got worse and worse. My skin was filled with crusts, my back, whole of my arms and even appearing on my legs, my chest, my arms, my soles and my palms. I went back to my doctor and he wondered why i have crust on my sole. Though he said in rare cases the crust could form there. I was really worried because it has the same symptoms as syphilis or psoriasis.
I was really depressed. I even took a vdrl test to rule out syphilis. My crust was not as thick as psoriasis but with the same areas it manifest unlike the normal pityriasis rosea. I even went for nude sunbathing hoping that photolight could lessen the crust. I was like a walking peeling zombie. I can’t even wear my sleeveless or even a 3/4s. I needed to wear longsleeves and jeans/slacks. It was already my 6th mth and it hadn’t improved. We even experimented on erthromycin intake. 2 weeks and no change at all. My doctor was suspecting inverse psoriaris but thickness of the patch was still questionable.
I decided to put all my medicine away… My father recommended virgin coconut oil. Every day, I took 2 spoonfuls and put on coconut oil on my entire body after taking a bath. After my morning bath, I just put on lotion. But in my evening bath, I put on the coco oil before I sleep. And after 1 mth, the spots just faded away and in my 8 1/2 months of suffering of pityriasis rosea, it all disappeared. Though I still get some spots every now and then but they are not noticable and they are manageable. I just rub some coco oil on them and in 3 days they disappear. I am not a medical doctor to say that virgin coconut oil cured me but it’s safe to try. Of course, do these with prayers and faith. It is always good to ask God for help. If you have any inquiries, feel free to email me at chilli_crab11@yahoo.com :ok:
wha…?