My office is in the process of hiring someone to fill a position in the tech department, and a resume just crossed my desk that was so special that I thought I would share a portion of it with you.
The “Career Goals” section at the top of the first page of the resume said, “To be an ambassador for Jesus Christ, and to obtain a position using the skills within my technical background.”
And to no one in particular I voiced aloud, “Are you completely retarded?”
First of all, I wasn’t aware that Jesus Christ was a country, much less a country that required an accredited representative in residence by one government or sovereign to another. I can see it now…
“Hey, let’s invade Poland this summer!”
“Nah, they’ve got an ambassador for Jesus Christ, and you know how they get when you mess with one of their allies.”
“Turn all our wine into water, and our models into lepers?”
“Exactly.”
While we’re on the topic, what are Jesus Christ’s main exports? I bet many of you would like to say “love for all humankind, puppy-dogs, rainbows, and bad-ass magic tricks” but in reality the exports of that country would be guilt, an encompassing derision of all things fun, a petrifying fear of masturbation, and child-molestation. The imports are cash, money, and wealth, and a soul or two if they have the time.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, Jesus-preaching resume-guy? With regard to professionalism, you could have said that you wanted to be an ambassador for the “Cult of hanging raw shrimp off of your erect dong, filling your asshole with cocktail sauce, standing on your head, and saying you’re a seafood bar” and gotten the same result from me. (After I contemplated shrimp for lunch, that is.) It’s not professional, dipshit! What the fuck would posses you to put something so ragingly idiotic on your resume?
I bet I can guess. I bet it’s because your religion tells you to bother people all the time with sales pitches about your nonsensical, fairy-tale, imaginary friend in the sky and his promise of never-ending hookers and blow. (Hey, heaven is different for everybody.) And by the way, the only reason I’m hating on Jesus right now, is because a dumbshit follower of his decided it would be smart to ejaculate his beliefs all over his resume. I would be ripping some other fartsniffer for the same thing if they had said they wanted to be an ambassador for Thor, or Ganesh, or Superman. It’s not professional to wear your religion on your sleeve.
So, to dumb-dumb religion-resume-guy, here’s something you should consider before the next time you try to get your savior crammed into another public or private crevice: How would you feel if YOU got a resume saying that the applicant wanted to be an ambassador to Satan?
Right. You’d be pissed off, and you’d think it was inappropriate, and you wouldn’t want to hire them.
Now imagine, hypothetically, that Satan worship became the dominant religion in the United States. Imagine that all our money says, “Hail Satan” and the pledge is “One nation under Satan”. Would you be comfortable with that? Of course not.
So even though you like to pretend now that you’re really about Freedom of Speech and how those evil, secular, gnome-loving, homo-liberals are trying to indoctrinate your kids into becoming Cosmopolitan-drinking fashion-consultants/flag-burning abortionists, the real problem is that you only want free speech for yourself, and you want to be the one doing all the indoctrinating. If the shoe were on the other foot you’d be crying bloody murder because the Satanists next door won’t stop having their ten-hour orgies on the front lawn. So stop peddling your religious bullshit on your resume because it really makes you look like an idiot and an asshole.
…
By the way, not only am I going to throw out your resume because I’m sure that you would drive away customers with all of your Tiger Beat-esque Jesus-fawning, but I’m also going to trash your resume because you have the technical savvy of a brain-damaged hippopotamus who’s eaten paint-chips all his life, and has just come back from being lobotomized.
Proselytizer plenipotentiary. Jesus kooks get it honestly.
The guy’s a doofus, but that line might actually matter to some companies. Of course it’d make more sense to FIND OUT who gives a shit BEFORE putting that line in a copy.
dude, atheism can be sooooooooo preachy sometimes. you protest too much. you obviously so want to make out with christianity. try to pay attention to his job qualifications, if he has any. and remember, all religions are annoying; but atheism is the most annoying all.
You might want to tell the dude to check out Kelly & Associates, an accounting/investment/something to do with $$$ firm in Hunt Valley that proclaims “Glory to God” in its mission statement.
Love, love LOVE this post.
Ejaculated beliefs! Ha!
he’s obviously lacking any other criteria for employment so he’s hoping another Jesus freak will hire him just to have someone to pray with over their lunch time tuna melts.
my favorite response for “have you found Jesus?” is…”I didn’t even know he was lost.”
Have you seen that Family Guy cartoon (Stewie Griffin The Untold Story) where time travel is the new way to take vacations and Stewie goes back to Jesus’ time only to learn his talents were a little exaggerated? Gods it’s funny!
What did the guy think, you would go, oh, you’re a friend of Jesus so you’re hired? Idiot.
I love what you said about the whole idea of Satanism becoming the dominant religion and how the Christians wouldn’t like having it forced on them.
Something to think about.
you realize that he could clearly claim that he was rejected based on his religious beliefs, right?
maybe THAT’S why he put it in there.
he wants to convert everyone OR
he really is a scientologist, and pretending to be a jesus freak so he can sneak and and whisper dianetics into your delicate shell-like ear.
Yah, I hear that from people in the law too, and, lemme tell ya, Jesus and the law are about as diametrically opposed as you can get.
i respect you all and think you are intelligent people, but you’re making me want to bang my head against a wall. i hate that satanism point. if a christian gets his panties in a bunch over an expression of satanism, than poo on him/her for taking faith seriously. if the “non-theist” gets his/her panties in a bunch over an expression of faith, than he/she/his/her/we/whatever is a fault for the same fallacy. this isn’t evidence that they’re full of shit, it is evidence that we are every bit as full of shit as them. it is evidence that it is all the same damn thing. there is a reason atheism sounds so preachy and insufferable, it is because it is a faith system - made all the more annoying because it, by its own nature, causes one to believe that he/she is above it all.
sorry for getting serious for a moment. I obviously so want to make out with atheism.
All religions leave a bad taste in my mouth. I really can’t say anymore, because unlike you, I have no sense of humor about it.
Dude, you got my resume. Cool. I, as well as Jesus Christ forgive you for venting on this particular post. We understand and accept your inferior views.
Now if you’ll just come over to our side, I’m sure you’ll see that not only am I fully qualified to help elevate this company to a higher, more competitive level within the market place, but with The Late JC on our side, we truly can throw one kick-ass cocktail shrimp party.
I know you have much to consider about my abilities and qualifications, while the professional obgligation to offer me an interview superceeds your religious blinders. So if you need me, peep me on my celly. I’ll be at the strip club throwing quarters at Satan’s little topless devils. Why quarters? Just another example of how I can help save this company millions.
Hink- Look at Mr. Thesaurus over there, spoutin’ out big words and such.
Serra- I can only assume he was trying to get his resume into the hands of another Christian.
eebmore- You’re just mad because I made fun of your god, you bead-squeezing papist.
Snay- He can work wherever he wants, but not here.
EJ- Thanks
Patti- I haven’t seen that episode, but I can imagine how it would go down.
MIL- Bottom line, it’s unprofessional.
Kendra- Well, he can cry about whatever he wants, but compared to other applicants, he’s as qualified as a box of hammers.
Lori- I hadn’t ever considerd the Scientology angle!
Bliss- I think I would have daily embolisms if I had to deal with that.
eebmore- Well, of course most of this post was just me being able to take potshots at religious folks. It’s my blog and I can blog if I want to, and all that. You, of course, make some good points. It’s hypocritical for an atheist’s feelings to get hurt by someone else’s expression of religion, and then use the whole “satan” in your backyard argument. Really, I’m more the type of atheist that doesn’t give a fuck about this type of stuff, but then what would I have to blog about?
Happy now that I had to explain the joke you prostrating corpse-worshipper?
KC- Oh, you’ve got to have a sense of humor about it, otherwise it just gets depressing.
heh. i got the joke, but yes, my panties got bunched up - further evidence that it is all the same thing at all levels. and of course, everyone has the right to make their own points on their own blogs - and everyone has the right to contest said points in comment sections. that’s the nature of open comments.
… and “prostrating corpse-worshipper?” I am not a theist. :-)
That kind of crap plays big out in the Midwest. Someday I’ll post about a former employer that held Bible studies on the clock.
Mmm, cocktail shrimp.
Don’t worry, Jesus loves you and forgives you for trashing his appointed-one’s resume.
living in what’s referred to as the Bible Belt’s buckle… I can say my company would’ve hired his retarded ass and promoted him to CEO within the week.
We’re forced to endure the reading of Jesus’ birth from the Bible prior to our December staff luncheon. Board Directors vote against things like providing ad space to lottery, tobacco, liquor clients based on the need to uphold the very moral fabric our company was built on. All the while it’s executives make comments to women like “You’re looking really perky in that sweater today” and “I watched that Paris Hilton video and it reminded me of you” and “Can I feel of it”…because…yeah…THAT is what this company is really built on.
Tried suing them…didn’t work. So now I pretend to work while reading blogs…can’t get fired. And they continue hiring idiots who put that on their resume and then get caught fucking the Marketing Manager in the board room….but whatever man….whatever. I’M not bitter!
p.s. TGIF! I’m having Captain Morgans & Coke!
that’s the same kind of fuckwit who tells me to “have a blessed day”. I’ve found that if I lovingly caress their temple with a ball-pein hammer it tends to tone their shit down a tad. Try it!
So, if Jesus Boy didn’t get the job, can an agnostic nerd like me get an interview?
How much are we talking here?
Hmmm…intruiguing (and funny) comments. I’m a church-goer myself, but I would never, ever, ever put that on a resume. I pretty much keep it to myself, which is a good thing, because I curse like a sailor, and I would probably give Christianity a bad name (um…on second thought, I probably do anyway). I assume the “keeping it to yourself” was more what you were advocating, and not the fact that the guy was religious. You make some really good points, but I’m somewhere between you and eebmore on this one…I can see it both ways. Hilarious post, though!
just for the record, the only thing I worship is neckbone’s dog’s ass, and that’s really more of an infatuation than a religion.
Stick- For the strippers thing alone, you’re hired.
eebmore- and of course, part of my intent with the comments was to use my awesome blog-power to make you look silly.
tfg- I think I might have faked some seizures to get out of them.
Bekah- Ha ha! You said “cock”!
Phoenix- Maybe if Jesus had helped this guy with his resume, instead of the guy just namedropping Jesus, he would have had a chance at the job.
Patti- Mmm… tastes like hypocricy…. yum.
Neckbone- You are one angry bastard. I mean it in the nicest way. Put the hammer down.
extra heavy- Because I consider you as someone who I wouldn’t want to see harmed, I suggest you run far far away from this position, and pretend it never existed. Trust me. There are plenty other fishes in the sea, and those fishes are less gross and fishy smelling.
Rusty- My beef isn’t with regular God-loving folks like yourself. My admittedly exaggerated beef is with a) the unprofessionalism of the act and b) the expectations around namedropping Jesus on one’s resume.
eebmore- I think it goes beyond infatuation when the dog’s ass gets a restraining order against you. However, I still have some pictures of the sexy beast from the last time I was there, if you want to take them off my hands.
goddammit, how come i don’t get any good resumes to laugh at here? the only good one i got was addressed to me, but praised the work of a different firm in the body of the text-damn that search-replace!
So do you think you’ll hire that guy?
(Sorry: couldn’t resist)
I understood, ACW. :) And I agree with you. It was stupid to put that on his resume, and incredibly stupid of him to think it would get him somewhere in the corporate world.
Oy! I’ve worked with one incarnation of “Ambassador to Jesus” guy at one point or another. I just want to scream, “I get it! Yay God! Get over yourself.”
For the sweet love of anything near and dear to your heart…Ixnay on the EsumeRay.
Hire him - you know you want to!
I’m going to apply as a Baal-worshipper, and advise everyone that the business will need to accommodate the golden calf in my office.
As a wise man once said…
“I don’t have time to not believe in something that doesn’t exist.”
PUPPIES!
Oh ACW, be still my beating heart. Every time I read a post of yours, I tinkle a little in my pants I laugh so hard.
You sir are a comic genius.
I think of the bumper sticker… All you non conformist are alike. Yes he shouldn’t have placed that on his resume. For you to get that upset about it shows that you have so much pain in your heart to hate God…. that you really need him. I will pray for you tonight …..
You sick bastards stay away from my dog!