Friday night ACWF, my buddy Matt, and my friend Jim & his girlfriend went out for St. Patrick’s Day, and though I wasn’t really drinking, it was quite the amusing evening. The weirdness started when we were walking into Canton. I saw my ex-girlfriend walking through the square by herself. She’d gained a ton of weight since I’d last seen her, so I was pretty happy about that. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about her somehow becoming super-hot in my absence. Now I could say for certain that she had grown ugly in the years since we’d separated.
I could also mention that she had a belt made out of the hearts of what looked about 3 dozen men, or that her chin and throat were coated in blood from what I can only assume was her most recent female-praying-mantis-type-mating experience, but it would be rude, and her unholy boyfriend Beelzebub would come after me because she’s a manipulative bitch on wheels, and she could even make the Prince of Darkness do whatever she wanted. But she passed us by without recognizing me or my friend Jim, and once she was gone she left nothing but a sour, sulfuric smell.
After shaking our heads clear of unfortunate memories from high school, we moved onto Canton Station, and as soon as we walked in I saw Jayne Miller chilling at a table upstairs watching the basketball game. I pointed her out to about a dozen people, and not a single damn one of them had any idea of who she was. I guess the stupid fucks are all too busy watching reruns of Friends and text-messaging their plastic surgeons about the next episode of Prison Break to ever watch the news. Ignorant uninformed shits.
I figured I wouldn’t bother Jayne because she looked like she was enjoying her relative anonymity, and I’m the kind of guy who can respect anonymity, and plus I had nothing more to say to her than any other random person I would meet in a bar. So I made sure that I wasn’t in the way of the basketball game, and tried to think of a way to blog about the situation in an amusing way later. Clearly, I didn’t think about it for very long.
The whole time we were there my friend Jim was getting progressively drunker, so I thought it would be funny to call his cell phone every time he said or did something stupid. By the end of the evening he had about a dozen calls in his voicemail saying things like, “You just tried call me a douchebag, but instead you said something like deuce-bat’. Just thought you should know.” or “Hey man, it’s me again. You just tried to light the wrong end of your cigarette, then you laughed when you realized what you did, put the cigarette back in your mouth, and tried to light the wrong end again. Just wanted to tell you.” or “Hey, hope you enjoyed these messages and your hangover you balmy, Irish twat.”
We left a few hours later, and who should we see on the way back to our car but my ex-girlfriend again. She was wasted, looked like she was about to throw-up, and still alone. It made me so happy to see her that way after how shittily she had treated me when we were dating that ACWF and I just laughed ourselves across the Canton square, envisioning her passed out in a gutter, covered in her own filth, while drunken frat boys used her stupid-fucking-thought-she-was-Meg-Ryan-haircut as a urinal. Man, she was such a bitch.
wow that was a lot of bitterness.
it terrifies me to no end that though i don’t believe i have been cruel to anyone, they (for their own purposes) might think of me in this manner.
You watch the local news … ? Ewwwwwww.
I see that we’ve dated the same girl.
I’d like to say I did it for you, Man, but I really thought she was a urinal when I first whipped it out.
Man. For some reason, this post has me craving almonds.
And I would’ve paid you $100 to confirm my suspicions about ‘Jayne’ Miller — i.e., walk up and grab her meat-and-two-veg.
The voicemail thing sounds like something I will have to keep in my pocket for the next friend who acts like a retard.
Thanks.
Why does everyone always say “Friends re-runs” like it’s a bad thing?
So do you think you’ll ever get back together with that girl?
Every time you come to Canton and don’t visit me and Sal the baby Jesus cries.
Anonymous? That was ME, baby.
good lord i hope the many men i’ve dumped don’t think of me that way… plus i’ve only gotten hotter as i aged, so even if they do it’s tuff cookies to them cuz i’m purty.
Kendra- She was a horrible, manipulative, selfish, heartless whore of a girlfriend. But, yes, I’m still a little bitter.
Mokie- Well, I have to do SOMETHING while you’re talking to me.
Bliss- I’m sure we did.
CBK- Ha ha ha! Awesome
Hink- You mean “Jayne” isn’t a man?
MIL- Oh, it’s a fun little joke.
Bekah- You’re right. I guess I should have said Friends reruns.
Mr. K- That comment actually made me laugh out loud.
Wombat- Dude, an address would help.
Wendykat- Well, I doubt many people could create the type of loathing that my ex seems to drag around with her.
some bitches deserve it….
Imagining Jayne Miller in the gutter covered in her own fifth would have been quite the story.
Wow. Definitely bitter. But then I thought about it a little longer and realized that I have a couple old boyfriends that I feel that way about. I doubt that I would piss on them if they were lying in a gutter, tho, because I it’s just more difficult for a woman to piss in public than a man…. unless I’m wearing a dress or skirt. Then maybe I would do it. Maybe.
I would grab my shepee and go for it personally….to…..three guys for sure and maybe four.