First of all, thank you. Jon Stewart was great. If there was a man that I would hump to death purely for sport, it would be Jon Stewart, every time, no matter what the restraining order says. Second of all, thanks for keeping it short. I can only drink so many 1.5 liter bottles of wine before I start getting stabby and drunkenly weaving ACWF to the hospital for minor lacerations… again. Keeping it to just about 3 hours keeps me to about 750 ml of wine, and ACWF stab-wound free. Who says Hollywood isn’t looking out for the ladies?
But, seriously Hollywood. The Three 6 Mafia? Are you retarded? I understand that you’re all about “blackness” since you deigned to give Halle Berry and Jamie Foxx the first ever Best Actress and Best Actor awards respectively, but really, don’t try to play like you’re all about the hip-hop culture when it’s clear that you don’t know shit. You got your voting forms in the mail, you listened to the samples, you thought to yourself, “Well, this new jungle music sure is wiggedy-fly!” and then you voted for it because you’re an idiot.
Are you really trying to tell us that the uninspired, trite, repetitive, manufactured bullshit that you and the Three 6 Mafia passed off as original “music” can really qualify for a freakin’ OSCAR for Best Original Song? I don’t think they would have earned a Grammy for this song, and just about everybody has a Grammy. Hell, I have seven of them. Were you trying to be sarcastic? Maybe you were going for “Alanis” ironic and no one got it. Either way, as farcical as this award ceremony has become, not to mention how commercial (these Oscars brought to you by an orgiastic bevy of products that claim to make you hotter, thinner, and cooler), even the Three 6 Mafia were far beyond respectable levels of satire.
If you were shooting for satire, I think you’ve reached a level of satire where this award would be the same as Johnathan Swift doing a reading of A Modest Proposal while eating a LIVE IRISH BABY. You overshot your mark, Oscars, and you did it with the most volatile force of nature… hip-hop.
Have you any idea of what you’ve done? No, no, of course not. Well, let me tell you. Right now, all across the country, black youths are ignoring the Oscars. Why? Because it’s irrelevant to them. In 78 years you’ve allowed two [glancing in either direction as well as over my shoulder before whispering] Negroes [looking around nervously] to win some very special awards, so I hope you can see why they wouldn’t really be interested in your vast ocean of honkies.
At the same time, idiotic white children are logging on to iTunes RIGHT NOW and downloading Three 6 Mafia songs AT RANDOM! They don’t care if they get Gee Whiz It’s Difficult to Collect My Earnings as a Pimp, or I Krunked up My Jiggy-Cup Now Suckle On My Dingle-Dangle, or Hoes Can Be Like Niggas*, or Slob on my Knob (part II)*. TRL will be playing Three 6 Mafia within the week, and by this summer Three 6 Mafia will have a contract to write the next 2,000 jingles you see on TV or hear on the radio. Is that what you were really after white, Oscar-watching America? I don’t think so, or else you wouldn’t have been such bitches about Brokeback Mountain. Just let the fellas hump for chrissakes. Jesus doesn’t care. To be honest, he wishes you would stop bitching about a movie you haven’t even seen.
In conclusion, you stupid cracker-ass crackers, you did this to yourselves. You’ve had dozens of chances to profile some real, positive hip-hop throughout the years, but instead you chose the Three 6 Mafia. You chose a band who wrote a song titled Lick My (sic) Nutts*. Shame on you. I can’t wait for your own pale, jersey-attired, Fubu-wearing, cracker-ass, trailer-trash children to beat you to death. I hate you.
*Real titles of Three 6 Mafia songs. This is so depressing.
FUNNY
Those are REAL fucking titles? And people wonder why I own only one album recorded after 1990.
Oh so true. But didn’t Denzel get a couple? *shrugs* You still make your point, though.
And I’m with Jesus. Don’t complain about a movie that you haven’t seen people. I haven’t seen it, but I don’t really care.
I feel bad I haven’t posted a comment in a while. For some reason, lately every time I bring your blog up everything ot the right is there but where your posts are it’s just all white. I was thinking there was something wrong and checked back every other day or so. Finally, today, I scrolled down and found some posts.
Mokie- On a scale of?
Serra- The ones with asterisks are real titles. I may have taken some liberties with the other titles.
MIL- Denzel got Best Supporting Actor, right?
Doug- Hmm, I’ll let mokie know about it. What browser are you using?
The scale bottoms out at “DEATH BY BOREDOM” and goes as far up as “CHUCK NORRIS” at the icy, soul-eatingly hilarious peak. I’ll let you determine where FUNNY fits inside of that.
Slob On My Knob. Huh. I weep for the future.
I have the same problem as Doug and it happens in both Mozilla Firefox and craptastic IE.
Doug and DL: I believe I fixed it. The CSS tends to fail in IE when there’s an object wider than the content div on the main page. I’m willing to bet that firefox doesn’t fail when that happens due to superior box-model goodness, but I could be wrong. Either way, remind ACW not to post pictures wider than about 450 pixels.
I was equally as appauled as you are, I thought it was kinda messed up that Queen Latifah, who I just adore, I think she is very funny, and classy. She was so excited for these disgusting thugs to win this award as she announced it as if they deserved it…I seriously wonder how they make these decisions, apparently a few of the judges used the christmas tree method on their score cards.
Whatever
Should have been Dolly.
Lost $5, but had great cheese and wine. Another enjoyable Superbowl for Women in my book.
How surprised was Jack Nicholson when he opened the envelope? How pissed was Matt Dillon when he realized he was sitting behind Charlize Theron’s bow?
Denzel was the first black Leading Actor winner back in 2001 for Training Day.
First of all, how did this song even get nominated? Jeezus!
You could have heard a pin drop at our house when they announced CRASH as the Best Picture winner. I almost cried. Brokeback Mountain was robbed, I tell ya! Robbed!
DL- The future will be fine, the present will be a terrible headache.
TDDI- I have no idea how that song got nominated.
Scarlet- I agree, she turned in a pretty good tune.
PLD- Jack Nicholson looked like he was about to crap his pants. And Matt Dillon couldn’t have been THAT pissed, he was in about 50% of all the camera angles.
BJB- Okay. The fact remains that it’s a few flakes of pepper in a mountain of salt.
KC- I think it was a pretty exciting night.
What else can we expect from this group of self-described beacons of enlightened reason? Tripping all over themselves in a furious rush to congratulate each other on the importance of their industry and its products. The same industry, by the way, which in 2005 gave us such important work as THE DUKES OF HAZARD, DOOM, THE RINGER and sequels to answer the profound questions raised in SAW and DEUCE BIGALO.
Yes, the movies recognized last night were significant. But they only represent a minute percentage of the vast amount of total crap that Hollywood tries to sell us every year. And indeed, does sell to us (or someone, anyway), making themselves filthy rich in the process.
Hell, using that kind of dim, marginal logic, the Iraq war is a huge success, Pop Tarts are good for you (they have vitamins), and I am the greatest lover of all time (just ask me).
Having said all that, George Clooney is still the coolest and Keira Knightley is destined to be my soul mate. If only she would take the time to get to know
BJB beat me to it. But as you say, just a few flecks of pepper in a mountain of salt.
I couldn’t agree with you more, ACW. Jon Stewart (who I’d gladly hump for sport as well) was about the only factor that made it worthwhile for me. You are so right about the whole Three 6 Mafia sham, I can’t even add anything to it. :)
i watched about ten minutes of it.
the independent spirit awards were better.
plus, oscar night fucks up traffic. i hate it.
can’t MTV just handle the music side? i’m all for recognizing total soundtracks, which can make or break a movie mood..but individual songs? all that does is encourage these idiotic studios to put in inappropriate pop songs and hire mariah carey etc…
MIL- I’m glad we concur.
Jessica- Jon Stewart is so dreamy.
Kendra- Oscar night affects traffic? I thought all the big stars were using teleporters these days.
Darth- I totally agree with you. At one point it may have been relevant to recognize the SCORE but now, doing the song thing, it’s ridiculous.
This might be you best post ever.
What concerns me the most here is that Slob on my Knob is part two. Oh, god, that means there’s ANOTHER ONE.
Phoenix- Flattery will get you… into my pants.
Bekah- And possibly a third installment if we’re lucky!
I just discovered today that my scale now has a lower bottom than “DEATH BY BOREDOM.” The final, lowest rung is, “FEEL LIKE I’M HIP DEEP IN A PILE OF MY OWN KINKADE.”
Hey now! Some of my best friends are Three 6 mafia.
Poseur mobile! wikky wikky
So how do you really feel about it? Fo shizzle?
BRING IT, acw!