ACWF and I have been living in the Stone Age for the past few weeks. Our microwave stopped working sometime around the beginning of February and to ACWF, a person who doesn’t believe that it’s food if you don’t microwave it for at least a few seconds first, this has been quite a serious disruption in lifestyle. She asked me not to tell anyone, so let’s keep it between you and me, internet, but she even microwaves ice to make water. She says microwaved water ice tastes better than water from the tap. She probably has an irradiated urethra because of this quirk, but you can now see why she would mourn the loss of a microwave like many people would mourn the loss of a close family member, or the loss of an especially kinky porno tape.
As soon as the microwave went tits up I called our insurance company. They sent a guy out to fix it, he said the busted part would cost 300 beans and that the insurance company would cover the cost. The insurance company called a few days later and let me know that they’d rather get us a new microwave than shell out the money for the part. That was fine with me so I told them to go right ahead.
Then I heard nothing from the insurance company for 2 weeks. So I called the insurance company and they said that they had placed the order for the microwave through Sears and that Sears would deliver the microwave to my house, and I would have to call the repair guy to install it so it would all still be covered by the insurance. I asked the insurance lady if she knew when the microwave would be delivered, and if not, if she had a number for the contact at Sears. She didn’t know the delivery date, but I didn’t expect her to, because it wasn’t her job. She also didn’t have a contact number, but apparently that’s because they fill huge batch requests with a dedicated website. The best she could give me was the branch name in Sears that handled the batch insurance requests. Sears Commercial.
So I Googled Sears Commercial and finally found a phone number, called them, and this is a close interpretation of the call that followed:
Hi, this is Sears, can I have your phone number please?
Um, it’s 410 555 1234
Okay, I don’t see a listing by that number, can you give me another number?
Well, this was an insurance claim, so the numbers are all probably tied to the insurance company, but since the microwave has to be delivered to my house, can’t you just look up my address?
Okay, what’s the name of the insurance company?
First American Homebuyers.
Okay, I see a bunch of listings for that company, can you tell me the address?
My address, or the address for the company?
The company address please.
Look, I’m not with the company, they’re just handling my insurance claim. Can’t you look up this order by my home address? It seems like since the microwave has to be delivered to me, and since the home insurance company insures my house, my address should be an important piece of information.
Okay, can I have your address?
Yes! It’s 123 Fake Street, Glen Burnie, MD.
Yes, I see it right here, we’re delivering you a microwave tomorrow between 2 and 3.
Tomorrow!? I guess no one needs to be home to sign for the delivery then?
Oh, no sir! Someone ABSOLUTELY has to be home to accept the delivery.
So, we rescheduled the delivery day for today, March 3, and I made sure that they now had my name and phone number in the system. A few days later I realized that I wasn’t given a delivery time, so I called back:
Well, we don’t know the delivery time yet. You’ll get a call before the delivery date letting you know what the delivery time will be.
Okay, do you know when they’ll call me?
They usually call one day before delivery.
One day!? So you have no way of knowing when it would be delivered?
Well, we only make deliveries between 7am and 8pm, so it would be during that time.
So, I resigned myself to being completely uninformed, and waited for the call from Sears. In the meantime, I arranged for Mokie to come over and accept the delivery since he has Fridays off anyway. He said that would be fine, and I told him I’d let him know the delivery window as soon as I knew what it was.
This past Wednesday I got a call from Sears:
Hi, I was just calling with regard to the delivery scheduled for Friday.
Okay, great! Do you know what the delivery time will be?
No, you’ll get an automated call with that information tomorrow.
Ooookaaayy…. so, what can I do for you?
Well, I just wanted to confirm the delivery information.
Seriously. That was the call. I couldn’t believe it. They were double-checking to make sure the address information that they had already been given twice, and now had three times, was correct. I’d spent more time on the phone with these skin-wasting oxygen-hoggers than I’d even like to recollect, and almost every call had amounted to a zero percent satisfaction level with me.
And then Thursday came and went with nary a peep from Sears until SEVEN MOTHERFUCKING THIRTY THIS MORNING WHEN THEY CALLED TO LET ME KNOW THAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DELIVER THE FUCKING MICROWAVE BUT I WASN’T ANSWERING THE FUCKING DOOR BECAUSE I WAS IN THE FUCKING SHOWER.
So I called the delivery guy back when I noticed I had missed a call, and he said he’d turn around and come back and deliver the microwave. He was back a few minutes later, was extremely friendly, and was in and out in under a minute. His efficiency leads me to believe that he had nothing to do with SCUMSHIT DONKEYFUCKING RETARDS who are left in charge of scheduling.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s a terribly difficult job to take the same information three times and do absolutely nothing with it, I just think they might have more satisfied customers by employing a radical and difficult system of taking information from customers, putting that information into the system, scheduling a delivery date, and calling the customer to make them aware of that delivery date. I realize that it might take decades to develop the type of technology that can store information, retrieve information, and generate work orders based on that information, and until that time, we’ll be stuck with having to use computers, or at the very least, a FUCKING KITTY-CAT CALENDAR AND GODDAMNED TELEPHONE.
So, Sears, fuck you. Fuck you, and fuck your call center, and fuck your retarded employees, and fuck your fucking stores. You fucking suck. I hate you, and if I ever see you around my neighborhood, I will not hesitate to break all the glassware in my house because I will take such joy in fact that I will soon be stuffing every single shard of it directly into your rectum.
Your insurance covers your MICROWAVE?
Oh, and we live so far out in the middle of NOWHERE that no one delivers out here anyway. So at least you didn’t have to go and pick it up. Then you’d have had to deal with the morons in person.
I have to echo MIL - your insurance covers your MICROWAVE? What’s your deductible? They only cost $100 at Best Buy - less at Sam’s Club.
i think his microwave must be magical for all that trouble.
i applaud acw for going to all that trouble to make sure acwf can have microwaved ice water again. that’s love, dammit. makes me wanna cry.
Hahahaha, wow, that is alot of fuck!
funny and yeah how about that insurance
MIL, Broadsheet, Manica- It’s a one year policy that was purchased for us by the previous homeowner. It covers all the appliances in the house, as well as lots of other stuff. The deductible is only 55 bucks, and so far we’ve spent $110 (55 on the trash compactor, 55 on the microwave) for a repair that would have cost 150 bucks, and a repair/replacement that would have cost 200-300. We have an over-the-range microwave that hangs above our stove, so it’s a bit more expensive than your run-of-the-mill microwave. All in all, the policy has been great for us.
Kendra- It’s not magical, it just transports us to a secret world of goblins and unicorns.
Rach- What’s love got to do with it? I just want her to stop asking me to go next door with a bowl full of ice cubes and asking to use the microwave.
TDDI- It was pretty frustrating.
So no Christmas Card to Sears this year, eh? ;)
*sigh*
Our Microwave has been busted since our first six months in the home. we didn’t opt for the home warranty. So, It’s just a bread box now. we never used it in the first place.
However, I will tell you that having worked with the former General Counsel of Sears, I can say with pride, that Sears, indeed…Sucks my ass.
What ACW’s not telling you is that he has a walk-in microwave. I’ve seen it, and it is indeed impressive. It’s like a radioactive hall-closet of death. You have to wear this full body tin-foil sort of boiler suit, and then you just walk into the microwave, holding the food. It’s great because you can feel the food getting warmer as it cooks so you know when it’s the perfect temperature. Also, juggling eggs while they cook is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
This explains why he has a FREAKING MICROWAVE in his insurance policy.
Bliss- Sure I am, but only if you mean “ACW throwing own feces at Sears department stores at Christmastime” by “Christmas Card”
Lori- Actually, we’ve been doing pretty well without ours, except for thawing things. We love to freeze, and it’s just so tricky to thaw without a microwave.
Wombat- Yeah, so what it’s a walk in? You were smiling from ear to ear as you straddled a mountain of peeps and screaming “Turn it on! Turn it on!”
So are vibrators covered too?
tfg- Only the ladder-sized ones I keep in the shed.
Is it National Dildo Week or something? Criminy.
Hate Sears much, ACW? I hate them, too, so I hear ya.
RE: the peeps thing:
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You are like a God to me.
This is more commonly known as a “Home Warranty” and comes with new houses a lot. I had one that I never used, and didn’t bother to renew.
This is EXACTLY how I feel about motherfucking BellSouth. After spending an hour on the phone with them every day for two effing weeks and still not getting Internet service, I actually hurled my phone (with them on the line) across the room and dented the crap out of my headboard. THEN those assholes tried to charge me for those two weeks, and despite TWELVE phone calls to remedy the situation, they threatened to turn my info in to a collection agency. They are soooo lucky I’m not a gun owner.
Sorry for so many all caps. I’m still very bitter. Death to Sears and BellSouth.
I also had a wretched experience with Sears (dealing direct, not through insurance).
Our 1970s(? - came with the house) olive green washing machine bit the dust. Since our son was barely 1 month old, the washing machine was a vital piece of equipment since he seemed to poop things things out on a daily, if not more than daily, business. Nevermind the “burping” up of all his milk, etc., on me, my clothes, his clothes, all the burping clothes, and so on.
So ANYWAY, ordered a new washing machine from SEARS. Got a great deal, very happy. Well, they were supposed to deliver within a few days and that stretched into a few weeks so instead of getting this thing in mid September, we ended up getting it the first week in October.
Then the guys finally arrive with the washing machine. JOY. Only when the guy comes up to the door, he mentions that there is a ding on it and it appears superficial so if we want to take it, we can get a $100 gift card. I take a look at it and decide no, because there is no way I know where the ding came from. So now I have to call SEARS About rescheduling another delivery which doesn’t take place for another week.
Second time around I make sure hubby is home to handle it because I’m too ticked off to deal with them. They arrive, and then hubby tells me when the guys are bringing it through the backyard they ding the outside. Since he saw the force of the impact, he was not concerned, and this time accepted the $100 gift card. Washing machine has served us well since and we did use the $100 gift card for an INSTORE purchase, but what a pain in the ass!
This rant was a thing of beauty! I hope there’s a complaint 800# you can call to do a full unload on them…. BASTARDS~