Hey!
Hey what?
I’m feeling a little funny down here. What should I do about it?
Hold on, I’ll initiate a fart. … How do you feel now?
Um, kind of worse actually.
Hmm. Maybe you’ve got something bad in you. Do you feel up to ejecting it?
Well, I’d prefer to try to eject it with standard operating procedure first, as opposed to using the emergency procedure.
Sounds reasonable. Go ahead.
… … No dice. It doesn’t seem to be working. Also, I’m very cold, can we turn up the heat in here?
According to our sensors, the exterior heat is at 70 degrees, with the interior at around 98.
Oh. Okay. Well, can we pile on the covers and just go to sleep now?
It’s early, and I’m not tired. I’m going to take some NyQuil.
~one hour later~
Fuck me, it’s hot!
I thought you said you were…
Oh shit! Emergency evacuation procedure has been initiated automatically!
Wait wait wait! Let me alert the legs so we can get to the bathroom! … Okay, go ahead with evacuation.
… … Evacuation comple…. Evacuation com… Evacuatio… Evacuation comp…. Evacu… Evacuation complete. And now I’m cold again.
Well, let’s get in the shower.
… Ah, that’s much better. Back to bed?
Yes, I could use some rest.
I’m cold again, so I’m covering up.
~one hour later~
Is the house on fire? I’m so hot!
Hmm. Sensors are still reporting regular temperatures.
Uh oh, emergency evacuation procedures have been initiated.
Sigh. Hold on, let me wake the legs.
… Evacuation… complete.
Shower?
Nah, let’s just sleep.
~one hour later~
Seriously. Is someone messing with the heat?
Nope. Need to evacuate?
Yeah. … Evacuation complete.
Back to bed?
Yep.
~one hour later~
Hot.
Want to evacuate?
… complete.
~one hour later~
Still hot.
Want to evacuate?
… … … … Um. Emergency evacuation procedures no longer seem to be working.
Hmm. Try standard evacuation procedures again.
Initiating standard evacuation procedu…SWEET MOTHER OF COLON! WE WEREN’T PREPARED FOR SUCH FORCE! THE EXIT FEELS LIKE IT’S BEING RIPPED APART BY THE PRESSURE! WE’RE GOING TO BE PROPELLED OFF THE TOILET!
Just hang on, it should be over soon.
… … Okay. I think we’re all done here.
~one hour later~
Get us out of here before we shit the bed and his fiance never touches him again!
Okay, I’m going. Go ahead with evacuation.
… Okay. We’re good now. Back to bed.
Hey, I was thinking that we not eat questionable bacon anymore.
Sounds like a fantastic plan.
~the next day~
Wow. I feel like when he’s hungover.
I do as well. I can’t think straight, but there’s not anywhere near as much pain in my region as when he’s hungover.
More than enough pain in my region to make up for that I would hazard to guess. What are you going to give me to eat?
Three bottles of Gatorade.
Delicious. What are you going to do while I’m re-hydrating?
Try and remember the word for being splayed out on a sofa at 7 am watching Dirty Harry after a long night of overseeing the evacuation all solids and liquids.
Sorry, can’t help you there. You’re the one that’s good with words. I just turn food into poo.
Ooh ooh! It’s surreal.
Turning food into poo? Nah, it’s just my job.
No, watching Dirty Harry under these circumstances. Surreal.
Good for you! You’ll be in good shape in no time. What comes on after Dirty Harry?
The Outlaw Josie Wales, The Hulk, and National Lampoon’s European Vacation.
Doesn’t look like you’re going to be doing much thinking today.
Nope. Not a damn bit. Don’t process that Gatorade too fast. I don’t want to achieve complete mental function until after The Hulk is over.
That sounds freaking nasty…..
Did you say you lost 8lbs??
So um….how do I get a piece of that bacon??
No, really?
Oh my. This could be the very re-cap of when I got cryptosporidium from Milwaukee’s tap water. Except, it wasn’t Dirty Harry, it was a Knight Rider, Macgyver, A-Team marathon,
Was the bacon undercooked or just suspect?
Oh my god. I laughed so hard tears were flowing down my cheeks.
Wait–have you been in the fridge at my house?
you almost poo-ed the bed?
that’s serious.
good lord…how much of that bacon did you have? was it green?
gotta love the phrase, “sweet mother of colon!”
classic.
Sorry for your colon clenching event… however! I will tell you this, but… if you throw in a psoraisis flare up, you just detailed what it was like when I was taking Xenical every day. Yep, right down to the dialogue with one’s colon.
Inquiring minds want to know… did you use your inside voice?
Also… once you got the legs functioning fast enough to get to the evacuation point… did you say a prayer of thanksgiving? I know I usually do.
Hehehe, who needs Xenical (aka Orlistat) when there’s ACW’s questionable bacon?
you picked The Hulk over The Outlaw Josie Wales?! What the hell is wrong with you?
mmmmbacon.
Oof, sounds like a rough night. Hope the Gatorade is delicious.
How on earth can you be so funny when you’re sick?
That was some funny shit! Sorry - bad joke.
TDDI- It was horrible. Yes, about 10 pounds so far. Just eat some raw bacon, and make sure it’s really old.
DL- I was pre-cooked turkey bacon that was supposedly well within its expiration date, but it may have just been the sell-by date.
Mokie- Good.
Serra- Ha ha! No. I’m sure H’s Ma will do you in soon though.
Kendra- Seriously serious.
Rach- I actually only had one piece.
NM- It’s all inside voice all the time around here. And No, I don’t think prayers are warranted when you have scrambled eggs lodged in your sinuses.
eebmore- You’ve got me wrong, bro. I watched ALL of them.
Wendykat- Actually, it’s more like “mmmbacon(insert6hours)vomitvomitvomitpooppoop”
Jemima- Thank you, and yes, the gatorade was delicious.
Jess- To be honest, I’m not really sure what you all find so funny. Thanks though.
Broadsheet- Yes, a bad joke, but it’s why I find you so funny.
great…now when I’m at work doing that “safety” thing….I’m not going to be able to use the words “Evacuation Procedure” without thinking of poo and pre-regurgi-poo.
That was, like, the “War and Peace” of exploding butt stories.
Been sick? I hope you’re feeling better now. I got a horrible cold which started the day before my recent vacation. It was gone in only about four days. Apparently warm sea air is GREAT for a head cold. I be those people who live in the Caribbean NEVER get colds.
Scambled eggs in the sinuses? Great visual… sudden onset explosive vomitting. YUM!
That was the best evacuation procedure story I’ve ever read! Maybe you should get sick more often.