Okay, so where did I leave off… oh yeah…
Lucky for us, it started to snow when we were driving to Ithaca and just as we were about to arrive in downtown Ithaca, Mokie’s car went into a skid!
…but he recovered quickly and the rest of the drive was uneventful. We found the Motel 6 without any trouble, and once we had paid for two hours of shower time, we all lumbered into the room.
We decided a showering order based on our average showering times, and with me clocking in just under a half-hour, I was going to be last to shower. So I went about the task of plugging in cell-phone chargers, the digital camera chargers, and the Lil’ Carny Taffy Pulling Machine that I take with me everywhere (only 6 payments of $199.99 and it fits in the trunk of most large SUVs!). I also used the opportunity to crank the heat up to 11 and turn the television on to rent us up some porno. King Kong Vs. the Vampire Slut Queen was only $39.95.
After our showers, and after having to answer WAY too many questions about why a vampire fighting an oversized gorilla would suddenly start in with the anal action in the middle of the fight, we left the comforts of the motel room and went across the street to the supermarket. We stocked up on necessities (booze, things to mix with booze, and water (for flushing poop)), grabbed a quick bite to eat, and were back on the road to Noelectricityville in the county of Jesuschristit’scoldoutsideburg, township Therearefreshpoopciclesinthetoilet.
On the way back we passed the Museum of the Earth so we decided to stop in and have a look. I was pretty impressed until I found out that they thought the world was billions of years old. I couldn’t find one single resource in the whole museum that had the accurate truth on it; that a team of omnipotent Superfriends (Jesus, his dad/self/God, and their/his spooky-buddy/self/dad) left behind puddles of Holy goo and then zapped it with their lightening-vision 5000 years ago to create the Garden of Eden.
After we burned the museum to the ground for being sacrilegious (but not before we got some sacreliscious Darwin Double-Chocolate Fudge from the Gift Shop) we got back on the road to the house. The aunt and uncle called to let us know they’d be up there soon, so we hauled ass in order to get some water into their toilets. We thought that would be a nice gesture after they’d let us use their house while they were away. A nicer gesture, at least, than them finding us drunk, unbathed, and with their toilets overflowing with two days worth of collected filth and vileness.
We were able to straighten, re-organize, and flush just about everything that was out of order before they arrived. We had been hoping that fate would have brought the power with them, but instead fate just brought a kerosene heater.
A kerosene heater!
We fired up that little tin cylinder of sweet, hot joy so quickly that if it had been a woman the heater would have slapped us for trying to get into her kerosene-fueled panties before even asking for a phone number. A warm, orange, glowing phone number of ice-melting proportions.
About five minutes later, the power came back on.
We were all happy, but no one was as happy as our ladies, both of whom struggled to use the bathroom as frequently as possible now that they could do so with reckless abandon, to the point that ACWF almost suffered an embolism after going for a bathroom-trip hat trick in under seven minutes.
We spent the rest of the weekend as we spend most weekends in New York, by drinking and going to wineries, and if my aunt and uncle hadn’t been so deathly ill, the second half of the weekend would have more than made up for the first half, but as it stands, the good evenly matched the bad, so all in all, I’d say it was an average weekend on the Fun-o-meter.
Speaking of the Fun-o-meter, right now it’s clocking about negative hojillion badillion. I hate to gripe, but it’s my blog, so you can shut the eff up and go check your myspace account if you don’t like it, but ACWF had some sort of illness on Friday and Saturday, and on Sunday I ate a dogy piece of bacon, and subsequently lost 8 pounds overnight. Anyone else interested in my new diet plan can send cash ACW care of ACW Super Duper Bacon Diet. You get one piece of bacon and a Hefty bag, so use them wisely.
30 minute shower- impressive!
Superfriends? Holy goo? Sacrilicious?
While reading these 2 paragraphs and laughing so hard I choked on my own saliva. How the hell does THAT happen?
Even I don’t take 30 minute showers, and I shave my legs everyday. Impressive.
Did it ever occur to you guys to do your business outside? I mean, rather than leaving poop sharks in the toilet, their dorsal fins eyeing your collective tush hungrily …
AWE-some. I’ll pass on the bacon diet and the power loss. :)
when you said “superfriends”, i totally pictured jesus with like a big “J” on his robes flying through the air.
i will take two slices of bacon and two bags please.
all this laying around in pain has really done number on me.
camogirl- what ACW neglected to mention was that while it was just about freezing outside (it warmed up to about 40F during midday), there were winds of seventy motherfucking miles per hour.
Darwin Double-Chocolate Fudge… i want knowledge that tastes like chocolate too!
what? the museum of the earth didn’t have a creationist, i mean creation “scientist”, i mean, Intelligent Design Expert, to give a Biblically Correct Tour?
http://tinyurl.com/rkc23
Fair enough, mokie. Maybe a bucket could’ve helped you guys. Or, gatorade bottles. My dad used to pee in those on the boat to save room in our very small boat holding tank. For the girls, just add a funnel! I’m kidding. Let the girls use the toilet.
That final line re: the hefty bag, I don’t know why, but it reminded me of that bit from the movie Airplane!, where one ATC says to the other, “What do you make of this?” And the first ATC prattles off a list, “I can make a brooch, a funny hat…”
I will tell you from FIRST. HAND. EXPERIENCE., that a Hefty makes quite a reliable and convenient “port-o-san” when lining a short garbage pail. :) And yes, I had to employ this emergency tactic more than once, when living in a semi-private studio with a housemate who spent more time in the bathroom (in front of the mirror) than Miss Universe & Miss America combined (yet still emerged from the bathroom just as dour and bitter looking). A touch of IBS and a bathroom hogging housemate is SURELY one of the inner circles of hell.
“his spooky-buddy/self/dad” … just one of the many wonderful phrases that made me spit my gum onto my keyboard.
“Lil’ Carny Taffy Pulling Machine?”
Your brain is a beautiful thing, man.
No fuckin’ way that I pegged exactly where you were from the last post!! It was the first place I thought of when I read that. I know that route well, but not for that reason. I’m not that kind of girl! How scary is Dr. Tom’s Leather store?!
The “Lil’ Carny Taffy Pulling Machine” was hilarious. I don’t know how you come up with this stuff.
Glad you had an average weekend. At least the good and bad evened out.
Bad bacon - reminds me of the book by Stephen King, you know the one with the slippery wet weasel like monster thing - Dream Something - Something Something - ummm - Dreamcatcher! That’s the one. Anyway - it reminds me of the bit where the alien thing finally finds residence in a human body and eats something like 8lbs of raw bacon, not realising just how badly that can affect the human body.
Yep.
Good book.
Scarlet- I like to be clean, and I like to stand in the water and think, and those two things take time.
MIL- Sorry that you choked, but I’m glad it was because of me.
GIC- I’m going to repeat mokie’s response: what ACW neglected to mention was that while it was just about freezing outside (it warmed up to about 40F during midday), there were winds of seventy motherfucking miles per hour.
And Mokie and I were peeing outside. The ladies stayed inside though. Quitters.
Poppy- You sure? I’m 10 pounds down already with no signs of stopping!
Rach- Ha ha ha! That would be awesome!
Kendra- Unfortunately I can’t prescribe this diet to anyone who isn’t otherwise in perfect shape because it might kill you.
Wendykat- All knowledge tastes like chocolate. Ignorance, on the other hand, tastes like circus peanuts candy.
Darth- Ah, you’re always with me on this wavelength.
NugMav- He he he! NugMav is a funny name.
Jess- Thank you, they were my favorite parts as well.
Rusty- I kinda wanna visit Dr. Tom’s just to see what it’s like inside.
Deanne- As far as alien invasion stories go, Dreamcatcher was one of my favorites.
I remember that part of Dreamcatcher. I really liked that book. First half of the movie was good, but they always F up the endings with King adaptions, it seems.
Also, I’m telling you, Gatorade bottles. They’re key.
Every time I drive by I want to go inside, too, but…um…I’m afraid I’ll never come back out. I think I would only go inside if I had a musclebound man with me to fend off whatever is lurking inside. I’m intruiged, though.