This one is for Karla, and for Bliss.
For Karla, because of this post, and for Bliss because of, well, all of his posts.
ACWF is one of five (!) teachers at her school getting married this summer, and subsequently, all the other teachers are throwing wedding showers in their honor. One of the silly (read: retarded) games they play is a game where they write down everything the honoree says, and then read it back to the honoree, out of context, as something that they will “say” on their wedding night.
It’s part abstract humor, part drunken stenography, and (up until last night I would have said) all crap. But ACWF related a story to me that I thought was just funny enough to fall outside of the “you had to be there” spectrum.
Most of the things the bride said were probably along the lines of “Oh that will look nice” or “Thank you so much!” which translates into this imagined wedding night scene:
Groom: Hey, you. You there. Look at my wang.
Bride: Oh, that will look nice.
And the bridal shower attendees snicker. Or:
Groom: Hop on my dong, it’s time to make Pappy sweat.
Bride: Thank you so much!
And the bridal shower attendees titter girlishly at the thought. But the bride-to-be did say one thing that I thought was especially funny, and was potentially illegal in a few states when applied to the game. Upon receiving a pastry gun that could be used for administering frosting, the bride said, “This will come in handy when my hands get tired.”
How awesome is that!? Sure, this could just be a simple reference to handjobs, but just let your imagination roll with it for a minute. What if she also incorporates the frosting gun into a sex act somehow? I was thinking of something anal, but YOU may be even more perverted than ME and come up with something even FILTHIER! It’ll probably involve assless chaps, axle grease, 15 pounds of raw ground beef, bottle rockets, a tightrope walker, the Boston Boys Choir, a saddle, two poodles, Starsky and Hutch costumes, a bottle of Boone’s Farm, a testicle spreader, pigs in a blanket, pinecones, horsewhip, inflatable kiddie pool, crash test dummy, trombone, a roll of quarters, a boa constrictor, ice cream sandwiches, gasoline, a 20 pound bag of sand, three coffins, a katana sword, a video of the great northeastern marmot mating, a mountain of sugar, a tractor, 5 tanks of propane, confetti, and a fifteen-inch black-rubber cock, but that’s because you guys are perverts.
All I know is that I still think shower games suck, but I will never be able to picture this woman without thinking of her dressed up like a chef with her husband hog tied, on a silver platter, and an apple in his mouth.
A testicle spreader??????
That sounds really painful.
know what I love best about bridal showers? The topless pillowfights. Oh yeah- you know they do it.
Bleck! Bridal showers. By FAR the worst of the wedding rituals, well, next to the Electric Slide, Celebrate & the Macarena. You know what needs to make a comeback? The Newlywed Game. Ha ha! Whoopie!
uhm ew.
and it’s not topless pillowfights. we play naked twister.
Try as I might, I couldn’t come up with an idea that combined ice cream sandwiches, a katana sword AND a testicle-spreader. Just couldn’t do it.
But trying sure made me laugh…
That is too funny, I am not sure what a testicle spreader is..but I do have a related story..
A friend of mine and I were in an adult novelty store a few years back shopping for fun valentines gifts for the men in our lives.
In the large glass case where they keep the really freaky stuff, I saw this black leather case that was splayed open to reveal these long thin stainless steel rods of varying sizes, but they started about the size of a toothpick, and graduated up to about the size of an Italian Sausage….well so like a rube I ask, what are these to which the heavily tatooed and pierced girl behind the counter casually replies that they are “Clitoral Spreaders”
Well, I am an idiot because I was like, what on earth would you want to do that for, to which she casually replied as if it was an everyday thing “so you can have another hole for sex” OMG…shut the fuck up?? That would hurt so bad, There is no WAAAAAAAAYYY….she looked like she had a set…
What a great gag gift…lol
True story I swear
Hmm? What? Sorry - I had something to say, but then I spaced out thinking about the topless pillowfights.
Well in this case, your readers are putting on a great performance of The Aristocrats.
showers rule.
that’s prolly because most of the ones i’ve been to had open bars, and thus i remember very very little, but still.
what’s gonna happen when her mouth gets tired?
Sweet Jesus, I need to be invited to that party.
Phoenix- Actually it’s quite comfotable if applied by a professional. I mean. I have no idea what it is either.
Neckbone- I can only hope, becuase our shower is co-ed!
Emmy Em- Nothin like a game from the 70’s created for the strict purpose of talking about sex, but only being able to say “Make Whoopee”
Wendykat- So, is this naked twister videotaped? And if so, do you take credit cards?
MIL- See, I knew you were a big pervert!
Doggydidit- That’s crazy!
Bliss- mmmm…. pillow fights…. What?
Phu- Ha ha ha! Yeah.
Kendra- I imagine she uses the vacuum at that point.
Libby- You’re invited, but you have to bring your own garbage bag.
You forgot the tractor tire (just one), jackhammer and dental floss.
It’s childish and immature to joke about a pastry gun being incorporated into the sex act.
However, incorporating an egg poacher or a lemon zester into the sex act is just plain hot. You have to know the right way to strap them to the crash test dummy, though, which takes some practice.