AnonymousCoworker

This one is for Karla, and for Bliss.

For Karla, because of this post, and for Bliss because of, well, all of his posts.

ACWF is one of five (!) teachers at her school getting married this summer, and subsequently, all the other teachers are throwing wedding showers in their honor. One of the silly (read: retarded) games they play is a game where they write down everything the honoree says, and then read it back to the honoree, out of context, as something that they will “say” on their wedding night.

It’s part abstract humor, part drunken stenography, and (up until last night I would have said) all crap. But ACWF related a story to me that I thought was just funny enough to fall outside of the “you had to be there” spectrum.

Most of the things the bride said were probably along the lines of “Oh that will look nice” or “Thank you so much!” which translates into this imagined wedding night scene:

Groom: Hey, you. You there. Look at my wang.
Bride: Oh, that will look nice.

And the bridal shower attendees snicker. Or:

Groom: Hop on my dong, it’s time to make Pappy sweat.
Bride: Thank you so much!

And the bridal shower attendees titter girlishly at the thought. But the bride-to-be did say one thing that I thought was especially funny, and was potentially illegal in a few states when applied to the game. Upon receiving a pastry gun that could be used for administering frosting, the bride said, “This will come in handy when my hands get tired.”

How awesome is that!? Sure, this could just be a simple reference to handjobs, but just let your imagination roll with it for a minute. What if she also incorporates the frosting gun into a sex act somehow? I was thinking of something anal, but YOU may be even more perverted than ME and come up with something even FILTHIER! It’ll probably involve assless chaps, axle grease, 15 pounds of raw ground beef, bottle rockets, a tightrope walker, the Boston Boys Choir, a saddle, two poodles, Starsky and Hutch costumes, a bottle of Boone’s Farm, a testicle spreader, pigs in a blanket, pinecones, horsewhip, inflatable kiddie pool, crash test dummy, trombone, a roll of quarters, a boa constrictor, ice cream sandwiches, gasoline, a 20 pound bag of sand, three coffins, a katana sword, a video of the great northeastern marmot mating, a mountain of sugar, a tractor, 5 tanks of propane, confetti, and a fifteen-inch black-rubber cock, but that’s because you guys are perverts.

All I know is that I still think shower games suck, but I will never be able to picture this woman without thinking of her dressed up like a chef with her husband hog tied, on a silver platter, and an apple in his mouth.