I believe there’s an expression in the armed forces for when a situation goes haywire, all at once, with many different things happening at the same time. I believe the polite version is “Charlie Foxtrot” and I’m pretty sure that stands for “cluster-fuck.”
What I experienced buying a present for ACWF can easily be deemed a clusterfucking of the douchiest magnitude. Granted, I don’t have to eat sand for dinner due to poverty, but I had a “rich-people problem” so I’m going to bitch about it in a rich-people way: on my blog.
It all started when I bought a book for ACWF at the local Barnes & Noble. A few days later I thought of a better book to get her, so I went back to exchange book #1 for book #2. The local B&N didn’t have #2, but the B&N in Annapolis did so I headed down there after the clerk at the local B&N asked the Annapolis B&N to hold book #2 for me. I was on the road down to Annapolis later that day. As soon as I got off the exit near the Annapolis B&N, I knew something was wrong. A normally open boulevard was now extremely busy and backed up through the light perpendicular to me. When I was able to turn left, I saw what the problem was. The police had blocked off the singular entrance to the shopping center and were only letting people exit. No one was getting in, and the traffic that was being diverted further up the road simply folded back into itself on the opposite side. It was a mess, but I needed this book.
I drove well past the traffic and parked in a nearby shopping center in order to walk back to the first shopping center. It was about half a mile. Down a highway. With no sidewalks.
Not knowing why the cops weren’t letting anyone in, my brain entertained strange ideas of fires, bank robberies, or escaped convicts. These disasters, apparently, were not enough to keep me from getting to the B&N to get a new book. In fact, I was so worried that the cops were going to turn me away that I opted to cut through a patch of woods in order to avoid going through the main entrance.Here’s a map of the route I took.
After wandering around in a swamp, in which I had to change directions about a thousand times, I finally came out the other side of the swamp in the shopping center about 20 minutes later. I walked across the parking lot and entered B&N.
I jumped in the long line immediately, and waited, and waited, and waited, and had a fruit roll-up, and waited. When I finally got to the register I told the guy that there was a book on hold for me. He turned around and started scouring the shelves. He spent a good 10 minutes looking for my reserve item before uttering the words that would probably be his last.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your book is not here.”
He must have sensed the effect the news had one me, or he could feel his trachea being crushed, because he quickly followed with, “But we have about a dozen copies in the store.” A wave of relief washed over me, and I asked him where the book was. Of course, he pointed and told me that it was in the back corner of the store. And when I got there, it was actually in the corner at the very back of the store. The farthest point from the cash registers in the store.
I collected my prize, took it back to the register, and was on my way. Sort of. I still had to walk the half-mile back to my car. Through pissed-off gridlock. And rush-hour traffic. On a highway. With no sidewalks.
But I didn’t punch any faces, or rip out any guts, or create an altar of human sacrifice in the middle of the highway, so my parole officer would be proud.
By the way, ACWF loved the book and read it in one night. So now I’m thinking about returning it for store credit. Store credit! Woo!
Another good one is “Tango Uncle” or “Tango Uniform”- both mean “Tits-up” to designate something is broken, usually beyond repair.
That’s me- just adding value.
The map added a lot to the story. I’m glad the book was there, at least for the clerk’s sake… He may have ended up in the swamp.
So, what was the deal with the cops, anyway?
you’re a better person than I. I would have just pulled the old “It didn’t arrive on time!” act.
What book was it?
yea what happened at the mall???
ditto to both “what book was it” and “what happened at the mall”
If you were going to return it you should have just checked it out of the library so you wouldn’t have this hassle in the first place (if they even had it in the library). Of course, then that kind of ignores the fact that this is a “rich” person problem and rich people wouldn’t do that…
What would Christmas gift-giving be without a little drama? It wouldn’t feel like Christmas…
That ACWF must be some gal what with you walking through swamp and pissed off drivers and no sideewalks and all.
That sounds like a serious clusterfuck. I love the word clusterfuck. I keep forgetting about it. I’m going to make it a point to start using it again.
answer the questions.
i need entertainment, as i am uselesss and hopped up on pils.
The picture was sheer brilliance. When ACWF sees the obstacles that you overcame, you will definitely be getting some tonight.
IIRC, from what I heard on the radio, the police blocked the mall’s entrances because there were waaaay more people trying to get in then were trying to get out — it was like “super ridiculous this is why I shop a lot online gridlock”.
What kind of third world country do you live in where there’s a swamp by the shopping center?
Oh what a man in love will do to get just the right gift for his sweetie. I’m sure she appreciated the gift and your effort. Did she walk through any swamps for you?
“a clusterfucking of the douchiest magnitude.”
LOL…Best phrase I’ve read all day.
Good for you, you’re such a good fiance! Most men would have said “Screw it” and turned right back around at the sight of the traffic. I hope she appreciates the great lengths you went through.
I would have strangled the pip-squeak behind the counter that told me my book wasn’t there, then never heard that they have more in the store. But that’s just me.
Dude.
ONLINE SHOPPING + OVERNIGHT SHIPPING = No walks through the swamp or down a highway with no sidewalks.
Had he done the online thing, he wouldn’t have had the great story to post! And, I’d say ACWF is worth a trip through a swamp.
DUDE! Why not give her BOTH books you cheap bast’rd?
of the douchiest magnitude? that, my friend, is brilliant!
Are you familiar with a Charlie Charlie Foxtrot? Same thing except the first Charlie stands for Chinese (a former marine told me about this). Says it’s a level above the Charlie Foxtrot.
CF and FUBAR - Sounds like you were FUBAR
SERIOUSLY!
do you not understand that i am stuck in bed and on pills?
ENTERTAIN ME!
geez, it’s like you think you should be living your life or something.