I must apologize. Over these last few days I have described soy nog as being one of the most foul substances that a human can ingest. My guess would have been that one would have to drink paint or used motor oil to compete with soy nog. I have found something infinitely worse than any of those.
Wandering through the store the other day, out of the corner of my eye I spotted those three beautiful letters that make the season bright. N-O-G.
I moved in closer to investigate. So what do we have here?
Oh, Frosted Eggnog. Well, I guess that’s got to be a nog-like substance, so maybe I should check it out. Let’s take a broader look at it.
Well, that’s strange. I’ve not seen eggnog served in a carton like this. And what is with the cup of nog in the picture? Is it garnished with green sugar and a cherry? What’s going on here?
Oh sweet unholy devil penises! It’s a bucket drink a la margaritas and rum runners! Good nog almighty, this is an abomination!
But alas, my imagination was going bonkers. I was wondering how they could condense nog flavor into bucket form. I was wondering how much or how little it would taste like nog. I was wondering if the doctors will laugh at me when they pumped my stomach, or if they would wait until they gave me the bill.
I was too late for me friends. The nog bucket was in my shopping cart and I was headed for the checkout, drawn inexorably by all things nog.
The nog bucket sat around for a little while as we were saving it for a rendezvous with mokie and his self-addressed-stamped-envelope wife. We mixed the ingredients last night, and I was feeling trepidations from the start. We added the rum, the bag of sugar inside, and the bag of caramel coloring and nog flavoring. It looked like this:
That is NOT what nog is supposed to look like. Horse urine, maybe, but not nog. The tricky thing is, it smelled like for-reals nog! Could it be true? Could it even be possible? Could nog be condensed to such a degree that it could be later re-hydrated with rum? I was about to find out.
Well, that looks delightful, doesn’t it? It also looks nothing like nog, but still smells just like it. I took a sip, and at first my brain said, “This is nog!” but my mouth said “You fucking asshole! What the goddamn shit are you trying to do to me?!” then my stomach said “Don’t EVEN be bringing that shit down here or I will paint the inside of your underwear with it.” My guts then gurgled in solidarity.
But, for you people, I needed to go all the way. The flavor of the nog was overpowering. It was like nog squared. It was like looking at the sun through a telescope. I couldn’t even taste the 750mL of rum that we had added to it. So we added more ice to try to water down the overpowering nog flavor.
No dice. The “nog” was Skeletor to my poor palette’s Orko.
We added even MORE ice to the mixture, and even added some milk, but the nog chemicals were still busting through like the Incredible Hulk through walls on meth. This is what it looked like once the ice had been doubled and milk had been added.
Tempting, eh? Makes you want to go right out and buy a bucket of fake nog, make it, drink some, and then punch someone in their colon.
After sleeping on the issue, I believe the conclusion I have reached is that it wasn’t the nog’s fault that it was terrible. It’s Target’s fault for trying to harness the AWESOME power of nog. It’s like messing around with gravity by tying a bowling ball to your dangliest bits and then, before dropping it, asking “It can’t be THAT strong a force of nature, right?” Well, I’m here to tell you that, yes, it is that strong a force of nature. And my friends still call me Lefty if you have any doubts. Nog is that strong a force of nature. You can’t condense it, you can’t control it. All you can do is suck it down and wait for the roller-coaster ride of flavor to stop so you can get out and throw up with a smile.
I might be nogged out for a while due to the high concentration of nogness, but this is by no means the end of my nogventures. I saw another nog product in the store that I want to try first. ACWF wanted to go at it again right away, but I said, “Nog tonight honey, I have a headache.”
