Yes, you filthy perverts, I am still experimenting with nog (much to Nancy Reagan’s chagrin), and frankly, it’s starting to make me feel a little squishy. Nauseous and squishy. And my sweat tastes like nutmeg. A my nipples have started leaking a nog-like substance. What? I had to taste it.
Anyway, this may not even count as an adventure in nog, except it’s a remarkably nog-like beverage that is sold in stores only once a year and it’s kept near the nog. And it has all the same ingredients as nog. No, it’s not a bacon-smoothie. It’s Colonial Custard!
What is Colonial Custard? Apparently it’s a Southern Holiday tradition.
I had absolutely no idea of what to expect with this nog-like beverage. Would it be horrid? Would it be delicious? Would it be thick like tapioca pudding with a flavor like David Hasselhoff? Would it give me the firmness and length my wife desires? Would it be lumpy and semi-sentient? Who knows?! This is what I do for you people.
I popped that sucker open and poured myself a glass, not failing to notice that it’s color and texture looked exactly like nog. I took a sip, and something strange happened. My throat closed up and my eyes bugged out and my guts exploded and my breakfast of Fruity Pebbles and sausages spilled out, half-chewed, onto the floor!
I’m just kidding. What actually happened was that I had an extremely visceral mental reaction to the custard. I said to ACWF, “This tastes how I remember nog tasting when I was little.” It’s like it was more “real” than other nog. It was noggier… somehow. It’s like when McDonalds brought back the McRib sandwich and you thought, “Hey, McRib! I loved those things when I was a kid!” and then you went to McDonald’s with your friend and you each got two because you knew they were going to be awesome and after your first bite you’re trying to figure out onto which family to spray your mouthful of half-chewed McFilth… except the opposite of that. Imagine if the McRib was exactly as you had remembered. That’s what the Colonial Custard was like.
I’m not sure about Colonial Custard being a “southern tradition,” because the only southern traditions I know about are thinking the Civil War is still being fought and cousin-humping (with some occasional pig-humping, cow-humping, and chicken-humping to break up the monotony), but I do know that Colonial Custard can be quite refreshing after a long day of trying to chase down relatives to have sex with.
