AnonymousCoworker

One time we had a meeting off site, and the meeting was supposed to end with a lunch at a nearby restaurant. All day long my boss is talking up the shrimp-salad sandwich at this restaurant.

First, it was, “Oh, the shrimp-salad is so good there!”

Then it was, “Oh, I’d pay anything for their shrimp-salad!”

Finally it was, “Oh, I have a violent and raging orgasm any time I get within 10 feet of one of their shrimp-salad sandwiches, and then I have to go home and change my pants because the smell of the sandwich combined with the power of my orgasm also gives me a little diarrhea.”

So I thought I would try the sandwich. It sounded like it would be something I could blog about, even though I wasn’t blogging then, and was pretty sure that a “blog” was something that a doctor collected from your colon when you’d put too many pickles up there. Also, I like shrimp salad.

So when we got there we were met by two of our other coworkers, and they both ordered hamburgers. Boring-ass, grass-fed, stuck-in-a-pen-all-day, slaughtered-with-no-regard-for-worker-safety-or-factory-cleanliness, mad-cow-having, disease-laden hamburgers, probably-also-violated-by-hillbillies beef hamburgers. Do YOU go to Kansas and ask what the catch of the day is? No. So why would I order a hamburger in a seafood restaurant in a port town. It’s retarded.

But all the women ordered shrimp salad as well, so that suddenly made me less manly. I guess I had forgotten about the penis-inverting qualities in shrimp.

I guess I just don’t understand how some people can be so stupid. It’s not like THEY killed the cow. It’s not like they even cooked the damn thing. I can understand certain things being “male” or “female”. Like cooking, and cleaning, and raising kids are all the things women should be allowed to do. Men get to do everything else. And shrimp salad sandwiches are included in part of everything else.