AnonymousCoworker

(note from ACW: In light of one of Common Wombat’s posts, I’m posting this story from my brother)

Have you ever vomited from your nose? I would have to say it is the single worst vomiting experience I have ever had. Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I’ve never really had a good vomit. But when vomit comes out of your nostrils - yowza - it is simultaneously fascinating and horrifying.

Recently I had a night of carousing with Imported Wife, ACW, ACWF, and one of Imported Wife’s friends. As I recollect, I was drinking quite a bit and not exactly paying attention to how much nor what types I was imbibing. In the course of the evening, I consumed

• A single one-and-one-half-ounce serving of tasty, tasty scotch
• One humongous horseradish/garlic/onion/cheddar burger
• Lots of curly fries
• Five Miller Lites
• One twelve-ounce blended rum/mango beverage
• Four twelve-ounce blended rum/strawberry beverages

Remarkably, I went to bed feeling fairly content. At around 5am, I woke up to horrible intestinal discomfort and the urge to pee. As I got up to go to the bathroom, I realized I’d probably have to fire off a missle, too, and hoped that would take care of how nasty my insides felt.

Here’s what then transpired: I sat on the toilet, and my belly would violently gurgle or bloop. Immediately following that, poo would shoot out of me like canned dog food out of a fire hose. Gross. I was not as happy as a puppy with two peters - Li’l Brudder would be a much more apt description.

About ten minutes later I was done excreting, but felt no better. I realized then I was going to vomit, like it or not, so I sat down next to the toilet I had befouled (but flushed, thank you very much) and began to wait. I understand that some people can just force themselves to vomit one way or another, but not me - I just have to sit and wait for it to happen.

I was also thirsty. I got myself a glass of water but didn’t want to drink it because I felt so nasty, so I just swished some water in my mouth and spat it out. That didn’t do it for me, though, because the back of my throat was still dry, so I decided to do some gargling. I accidentally relaxed my throat a little too much, though, and gagged a little on the water… and it was vomiting time. Unfortunately for me, I discovered that I had somehow managed to open my nasal passage or something, because as vomit shot out of my mouth I noted with alarm that it was exiting my nostrils with equal force.

It was awful. Granted, it was only during the first heave that it shot out of my nasal cavity, but it left me entirely confused and unprepared when the next heave came. The worst part, I realized, was that the nasty vomit smell would be impossible to shake no matter how much mouthwash I was willing to use or toothbrushing I was willing to do.

Your send-off: when I was showering the next morning I blew my nose and little nuglets of vomit came out. Guhhhh.