Archive for December 13th, 2005

Answers part 6

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on December 13, 2005 @ 3:02 pm
in meta blogging, necrophilia, potty humor and word nerd
. 9 Comments

Finally we come to the last of the questions. This was exhausting.

From Freedom Girl: I forgot to ask earlier…

Is there a prize for the best question?

I would have no way of determining a “best” question, so I guess the answer is no.

From BJB: have you stuck any objects (not fingers, or peni) up your rear? I knew it! You’re so totally wasted. It’s hysterical.

No, I’ve never stuck any objects up my ass. Once again, I treat that area as exit only.

have you ever stuck a gerbil up your ass?
Well, a gerbil doesn’t count as an object, now does it? It’s an animal. And no, I haven’t, but if I had I’m sure I’d be eager to get one of those warm wriggly bastards up there again sometime soon.

If so, was it live or dead? Ew. A dead gerbil would get kinda stinky.

More from Double Dogged: Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is.

This is a confounding riddle for a few reasons, most of which are about how it’s written or spoken. I think Double Dogged did a good job of phrasing it the way he did, as it’s taken to the point where it’s simple, but not too simple. If this riddle is ever written in such a way as to be grammatically correct, the answer is obvious. It’s all about knowing the Language.

More from BJB: Were you ever molested by Wiggles the Clown at your tenth birthday party?
That’s it. Time for the intervention. You’ve been drunk for every single question, and I think it’s becoming a problem for you.

Plus, everybody knows that Giggles the clown wanted to show me his “special” balloon animals on my NINTH birthday, but I managed to staple his sack to the floor with a hydraulic carpeting tack gun until the cops arrived.

From Nugget Maven:
Do you braid your pubic or anal hair?
I don’t braid it. I mainly keep it in dreadlocks.

Have you ever put excreta into someone’s food?
No. That grosses me out so much that I would never do it to someone else.

If you had the choice of sticking your scrote into a bear trap and gnawing it off to free yourself or sliding down a 50 foot razorblaze to land into a pool of rubbing alcohol while smoking a ciggy, which would you prefer and why?
I’m going to have to go with the bear trap thing, because it would be nice to have a reason to get flexible enough to reach my nether regions with my mouth besides something self-abusive.

And yet more from BJB: If you were given the choice between having sex with an 90 year old woman and living, or not having sex with her and dying, which would you choose?
This is a cry for help, isn’t it, BJB? You’ve been drinking a bottle of mouthwash all weekend, and now your brain is fried, though your breath is minty fresh. These questions, these crazy questions, are nothing more than your soul crying out for someone, anyone to come to your rescue and buy you a nicer bottle of booze to sip from.

But, regardless, the answer would be living. Hey, she might be hot, right?

From Kickball Superstar: 1) how many hours of work did reading/answering/posting these questions eat up?
Only two or three hours.

b) can i work there with you?
Dude, that would be so awesome, becuase I’d finally have a coworker to goof off with. Blogging would probably suffer though.

9) What happened to Bitter Girl Bartender?
I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you. I have a feeling that the Bitter Girl Bartender will reveal herself again when the time is right.

And thus ends the “Ask me anything” post that quickly devolved into “See who can out-pervert the other perverts with perverted questions perversion contest”. I had a ton of fun answering all your questions, and I’m sorry that I was running out of steam at the end. This really took a lot out of me, especially since I had to blog over the weekend, which is something that I prefer not to do. My original plan was to answer the bulk of the questions on Friday, but you asked so many that I had to put in a few hours on Saturday and Sunday as well. You filthy pervs.

Thanks for all the questions. I’m going to take a nap now.

Answers part 5

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on December 13, 2005 @ 11:20 am
in Mrs. ACW, devil cat, meta blogging and potty humor
. 7 Comments

From The Complimenting Commenter: This is a great idea. Here are two:

1. What is the greatest compliment you have ever received?
I think the greatest compliment I ever received was when I went to my first blogger meetup and somebody told me that my blog was funny. That was awesome.

2. If you imagined yourself as a pirate on a tiny boat in a glass bottle, and was later abandoned on a tiny desert island in a bottle, what would you write on the paper that you put in a bottle that you throw in the ocean? I would write “please send bottles full of bottles of food and water.”

From tfg: 1. What is the mean submersion time, when you give ACWF a Dutch Oven?
That is a war that I would not want to start. Talk about Mutually Assured Destruction. ACWF can rip ass with the best of them, and I wouldn’t want to be in a Dutch Oven situation of her creation, so I don’t Dutch Oven her either. There have been times in the car where we might let slip a silent one that quickly causes the other to roll down the windows and gasp for air.

From Bonanza Jellybean: 1.Would you rather….

A) Have anal sex with Neckbone
B) Oral Sex with Common Wombat
C) Have a threesome with ebill and tracy

You’re drunk right now, BJB, aren’t you? I bet you are.
I think I would go for the threesome, not because I prefer the company of ebill and Tracy to Neckbone and Common Wombat, but because I’ve not participated in a threesome, and it would be a first.

2. How many types of Herpes do you think Paris Hilton has?
Um, probably none. Rich people don’t have herpes. They have ugly dogs that they keep in $5,000 purses.

3. How big do you think my boobs are?
Probably somewhere between ginourmous, and hugeriffic.

4. Why does my asshole hurt?
See, I knew you were drunk.

5. What is the most disgusting thing you have ever done as a kid?
Willed filled a hole in my friends yard with dog poop and then tricked another kid into thinking it was a mud hole.

6. Why do I have an unnatural sexual crush on Miss Kendra?
Well, she is smart, funny, attractive, and can knit like a suhmuhmuhbitch.

7. Are you ever going to tell us how big-or little- your penis is?
I’ve already mentioned previously that I’m hung like a dinosaur.

From MCG: how many women is ‘too many’?
For cannibals- 1
For sexual partners- I’d say you’re becoming a bit of a man-whore when the number reaches the 700 range.

are catfish more cat or fish?
The do taste an awful lot like cat do, but according to “scientists” and people with “college degrees” and “the intellect of a child” catfish are all fish.

have you ever been a willing participant of a ‘fisting’?
Is that when one person rams their fist into the orifice of another person, preferably lubing it up with vaseline first? No, I’ve never done that.

have you ever been an unwilling participant of a ‘fisting’?
No matter what Larry at “Larry’s House of Fisting” says, no, no I haven’t.

does anonymity make you a better:
ninja? Yes.
blogger? Yes.
lover? No. Especially when I have to wear the bag over my head.
human being? Yes. I can throw rocks at people and then pretend it was some other guy.

From Hink: Ever left someone and upper-decker?
Not someone, but a friend and I once left a pool an upper decker. Two, actually. We were at a swim meet and had nothing to do, plus we hated the snobby pool members, so we engaged in class warfare in their toilet tanks.

How have you come to impress your blog friends so that they are inclined to ask you about assplay, fisting or both in conjunction?
I have no idea how this happened, but I may have to change my blog address to acw.com/allassplayandfistingallthetime

Answers part 4

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on December 13, 2005 @ 8:00 am
in beer, devil cat, movies, word nerd and zombies
. 8 Comments

From Freedom Girl: Have you ever cut your own hair? What were the results?
Yes, I cut my own hair in the first grade. When we were younger my mom always cut our hair, and I hated the feeling of the hairs falling on my face and ears. I figured the problem was that my hair kept growing, so I took a pair of scissors and trimmed off the sides above my ears and the front. Apparently I looked like an asylum patient. My mom had to trim it down pretty short to get it to look even.

What album are you afraid to admit you own?
I’m not afraid to admit I own any album, but I am quite embarrassed by an EP that I purchased. It’s the Tubthumping single by Chumbawumba. I even told people that I got so tired of my car that I threw it out the window, but I actually have it stored away in all its pop-culture glory.

Do you play any musical instuments?
No. I make up a lot of songs about ACWF, and Sherlock, and I sing them as they pop into my mind. I sing about the things I see, kind of like Randy Newman. I used to fake-play the violin in middle school. I consisted of me dragging the bow back and forth just above the strings so I wouldn’t make any terrible noises.

Does this look infected?
Actually, that looks gangrenous. Better check for maggots.

From Neckbone: Are you willing to admit that the unfinished, carpetless spot on the floor between your kitchen and livingroom will go forever unfinished?
Let me put up a picture so that everyone can be in on the joke. Here. Yes, I admit that it will probably always remain unfinished.

What’s better against zombies (my son asked me to ask you this- it’s true): a field hockey stick, a cricket bat or a [wooden] baseball bat?
I’m going to go with the field hockey stick. I believe that it’s about as long as the other two, which is an important factor to consider, but the benefit of the feild hockey stick is that it’s lighter, giving you the advantage of speed, and it’s got that little curly cue on the end, which is perfect for cranial penetration. Remember, the goal here is to destroy the brain. My other suggestion is to go with the weapon with which you are most comfortable. In that case, I’d pick the bat.

From KimC: Have you ever fallen asleep during a movie (not at home)?
Never. Like I mentioned as an aswer to another question, I love movies. I’ve never fallen asleep during a movie. Though I was tempted to during “Ali”. Could that biopic have BEEN any longer?

Do you read the directions first or just dive into putting things together?
I always read the directions first, which I why I get so pissed off when it STILL doesn’t go together properly. Stupid piece of crap blinds.

Can you sew on a button and hem/repair your own jeans? Yes I can. I learned how to sew when I was in the Boy Scouts (no, no one molested me, but yeah, it’s a funny joke and you’re the first one who has ever thought of it, way to go, you’re cool). I think the hem job might be a little bit messy, but if I took my time and had a decent sewing machine, I could get the job done.

From NPR Junkie: if you and the lovely ACWF do consider taking a kitty friend for Sherlock (see Glitzy above) would you consider taking Lilly (one of my 9)?
We think we might have to take on a kitten, because Sherlock seems to be a loner type cat, and I think another grown cat would threaten him.

Why do people say “dry run”? And, why is there no corresponding “wet run”? I did about 2 minutes of research trying to find out from where this term would have originated, and the results seem to be varied between fire fighters doing dry runs versus wet runs, or artillery practices with dry firing and wet firing as a connotation to sexual activity.

More from Doug: I’d like to add chiansaw to Neckbones question about Zombies.
A chainsaw would be nice, but it has the tendency to get stuck in the bone and muscle. It would probably work best on older reanimated corpses. Also, chainsaws require gas or electricity, a commodity which will surely become rapidly scarce as the dead arise. I wouldn’t want to rely on such a thing.

Some other questions, I was interrupted before since I do all this while at work:
Lights on or lights off?
Lights off. Wait, are you talking about in general, or during sex? I like to keep the lights off at work and at home until it becomes impossible to see anything. My eyes are kind of sensitive to light, so I like to keep them off. During sex I have no preference, but it’s nice to have some light so you can see what’s going on.

What is your favorite book?
Hmm, this is a tough question. I can’t think of my favorite book of all time right now, but I can tell you that I’m a fan of the Chronicles of Narnia. I always liked how C. S. Lewis skipped over all the fluffy stuff in a book (and broke the 4th wall by doing so) and always got into the story quickly. He doesn’t dilly dally, he’s just a good story-teller.

Why do cats always land on their feet?
Cats always land on their feet for the same reason humans always try to land on their feet: because it’s easier to control your landing. Cats are much more adept and turning their bodies in mid-fall to prepare to land on their feet. Humans are not, partially because we’re bipedal, frequently oriented to land on their feet.

From Dancinfairy: You’ve been out drinking last night and you feel really rough. What do you do to make yourself feel better? Lots of water, pain relievers, junk food, a couch to lay on, and a marathon of mindless programming (world’s strongest man competition, lumberjack competition, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, etc.).

More from Common Wombat: Masturbation:
“Fun for the whole family,” or “Not just for breakfast anymore?”
I’d say, “Fun for a family breakfast!”

Speaking of masturbation, if you were (ahem) jerkin’ it, and you had to fantasize about one of the Golden Girls, which one would you choose and why? I never really watched the Golden Girls, so I’m not sure which is which, but I’m going to go ahead and say, the youngest one. That’s got to be the best answer, right. Is the youngest one like a triple amputee or something? Man, I never pick the right one.

Finally, if you were forced to kill one member of your immediate family, who would get the axe?
Oh, mokiejovis, easily. He’s a douche. Have I not mentioned this before? We had to go to court about it. “Can’t threaten family members with wood-chipper” my ass.

This is the best idea ever. Everybody’s coming up with great questions.
Yeah, I agree.

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