AnonymousCoworker

From Me Over Here: How did you and ACWF meet?
ACWF and I met while we were in college. We were both English majors, and so we had a few classes together. One semester in particular we shared a class on Mondays and Wednesdays, as well as a class on Tuesday and Thursday. After watching ACWF in classes for about a week, I noticed that she always smoked before class. One day, even though I didn’t smoke very much, I waited for her to go outside, and I followed her and bummed a smoke. The rest is history, or something.

What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
The most embarrassing thing that ever happenend to me was at my ex-girlfriend’s house. We were there for Christmas, and it was the first time I had met her extended family. Things were going pretty well, and while her family settled down after dinner, we took a ride to enjoy the unusual 60 degree weather. We stopped at a park and I jumped on the swings. After a few swings I felt a strange draft. I hopped off the sings and checked, and found out to my horror that there was ahuge hole in the crotch of my pants. And I was going commando. And I had been sitting indian-style during the exchange of gifts. Chances are very likely that her grandparents saw my balls.

What was the last dream you had?
I can’t exactly remember what it was, but I know that I was trying to do something, and there was a giant tiger, or lion, or something that kept knocking me over. It was weird.

Have you ever been to a psychic?
Ha ha! No, I haven’t. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to, because I think it might be fun, but I just feel like it’s a waste of money.

How boring would you rate these questions?
I haven’t thought any of the questions have been boring yet.

From Wendykat: do think posts are funnier if you keep updated them and adding them to “rule” formats? Um, I think it’s kinda funny, but it probably wouldn’t be after a few posts, but then after like 75 more posts, it would be hysterical.

From melissa.in.london: What would your dream job be (nothing to do with yours now, unless you’re working your dream job…)? I think my dream job would somehow invove equal parts travel and writing, with a dash of alcohol, and a sprinkling of naked ladies. Or ACWF, whichever. So I guess, my dream job would be a travel writer for cool bars.

Who is your favorite literary character and why?
Does the Mr. T comic book that I got in Ghostbusters cereal in 1985 count?

This is a tough question, but I think the answer is Hamlet. Hamlet is so enigmatic, plus it’s tough to tell if he’s actually crazy, or if he’s just pretending to be crazy. He’s smart, athletic, and keeps his head when things get crazy. I have a man-crush on Hamlet

Name three places (besides Scotland) you want to travel to.
I’d like to see Greece, Nepal, and New Zealand. As well as dozens more places, but those were the first three that popped into my head.

More from Kendra: would you ever let acwf stick her finger in your butt?
If that’s what she was into, and that’s what made her happy, then yes, I would. But (ha ha) we’ve both discussed this and come to the conclusion that our anuses are exit only.

will you be having old people sex?
I certainly hope so. I don’t want to stop having sex until the idea of it repulses me. Given the way I think about sex now, I don’t think that will ever happen.

am i going to get married by elvis this weekend?
Man, I don’t know. If you do, you damn well better post some pictures.

when will you pay up on the child support you owe me?
The check is in the mail, I swear. I sent it Western Union, so if it doesn’t show up in another month let me know, and I’ll cancel the money order and send it again. I swear.

did you get the hat yet in the mail?
Nope. Did you get the cash?

why do wheat tortillias smell like diseased feet but taste good?
I think it has something to do with the grinding process where they release a whole bunch of the flavor molecules for the wheat, and the flavor molecules are like floating around and not taking showers or using deodorant, but their parents, who like to stay stuck to the tortillas, know how to keep themselves clean, so they end up tasting good, while their flavor moleculed children are stinky.

how do you say “necrophilia” in esperanto?
Though there is no word in Esperanto for necrophillia, a rough combination of the roots for corpse (kadavro) and to have sex with (-umi) makes necrophillia- “Kadavrumi” literally

From Common Wombat: Okay, my questions:

Sex with:
a) The steaming corpse of a heavily perforated boneless baboon
b) The dismembered anus of a sperm whale filled with lukewarm tapioca
c) Both at once
Please explain your decision.
I’d really rather choose neither, but if I was forced to, I choose the steaming corpse of a heavily perforated, boneless baboon because tapioca is foul.

If you had to die by drowning in a substance of your choice, what substance would it be?
You know, at first I was going to say eggnog, but upon further consideration, I wouldn’t want to sully eggnog’s name (Love you too, baby). So instead I would choose to drop in a lifetime colection of sweat of John Stamos.

If you were in prison, and were about to be gang-raped by a group of heavily muscled and tattooed white supremacists, and you could specify ONE bodily orifice that would NOT be violated, which would you pick?
I wouldn’t let them bang me in the ear hole, because even though my other orifi are delicate, I think it would really hurt to get cornholed in the ear. Of course, this leaves my nose open for punishment, but I can only choose one. If I did choose my nose, would I have to choose which nostril to spare?

Have you ever eaten a booger? If so, who’s nose did it come from?
No, never. Booger eating is disgusting, and though ACWF no longer practices booger eatery, it still grosses me out that she did at one time, even if she was only five years old. Uggh.

From Steph:
Are you noisy or quiet in bed?
It depends, if ACWF has got her dominatrix boots on, then I do whatever the mistress allows me to do. Typically though, I feel I fall somewhere in between noisy and quiet.

How many times a week do you masturbate?
I don’t have to masturbate anymore. ACWF is my penis-holster and is available for sexual release whenever I command. Everyone done laughing? Yeah, maybe 2 to 4 times a week.

The simpsons? Futurama? or Family guy?
Damn you, this is a hard question! Futurama, I think. It just makes me laugh harder more frequently. And I miss it so.

From Double Dogged: If you won the lottery for 100 million dollars after taxes, what are some of the things would you do with it?
Wanna hear the lamest response ever? I’d pay off my mortgage. I’d pay off all of our debts. I’d pay for ACWF and I to go to grad school. I’d invest 50% of it in medium risk investments. If there was anything left over I’d use it to take my friends and family out to eat all the time, and I’d take care of the bill, and I’d tip 100%.

What is in the water that puts out fires?
I think it has something to do with the magical power of Jesus.

More from Wendykat: why is everyone so interested in your sex life?
I think it has to do with the fact the internet was basically built by and for voyeurs. It’s what blogging is all about. That and I’m hung like a stegosaurus.

what’s the biggest number of grapes you’ve shoved in your mouth to look like a chipmunk?
We did this in a recreation of the Chubby Bunny game that you do with marshmallows. I think it was somewhere around 30.

have you ever flooded a friends/date/boss/person you’re trying desperately not to be humiliated in front of/s toilet? I ALMOST flooded the toilet in ACWFs parents house one time. I won’t go into graphic details, but a combination of soiled toilet paper and my feces somehow stopped up the toilet and it wouldn’t flush but luckily there was a plunger nearby. I guess that was pretty graphic after all.

Part 3 coming soon.