AnonymousCoworker

Gluttony without limits.

Freedom from concern.

Peace of mind.

How can I give them all this, you ask?

Lies. “Lies” is how I can give it to them.

ACWF decided that we were going to bake cookies for all of our coworkers this year, and ACWF’s mom has an awesome recipe for chocolate chip cookies that uses two heaping handfuls of butter-flavored Crisco, as well as a mountain of sugar.

These chocolate cookies are so good that if you don’t immediately have multiple orgasms and evacuate your bowels, you probably will a moment later.

Entire cultures and religions have been born based on their lust of this cookie, and then just as quickly destroyed by an unavoidable period of greed. It is well worth worshipping and suffering destruction because you have never known love like the taste of this cookie.

Sure, you may have a feeling of rapture when you’re in your love’s arms, but can even the strongest embrace compare to the cookie’s ability to allow you to reach such levels of goodness that you can see through time and transition simultaneously through multiple dimensions at your whimsy? No, I thought not.

These cookies are so good that even the Cenobites, renowned for their pride in commanding and controlling all things pleasurable, bristle with envy at the very mention of the ingredients.

These cookies are so pleasurable that they have sent the laziest person sprinting across the room, across the state, across the country, and even around the world for another chance to sample their goodness.

These cookies are so pleasurable that the shyest of people have erupted into instruments of wrath if they find so much as a crumb missing from their stash, frequently leading to a killing spree of such malevolent violence and magnitude that the authorities have no explanation. The body count rarely stops below 30.

But I digress.

How can this simple cookie create such strong responses in so many people?

The answer is simple. I tell people the cookies are low-fat.