Alternate titles:
The Nog that Wouldn’t Die
The Nog that Stole Christmas
Merry Christmas Charlie Nog
Here’s a little secret about me… I love eggnog. I would just hook it in to my viens if it wasn’t the delicious noggy taste that I was after. I’d probably kill someone to get at some nog. I’m not so noggy-whipped that I would kill a complete stranger for a glass of nog, but I am crazy enough to stage a competition where I lure human contestants to my secret island and hunt them like animals, only allowing them to carry a knife and then giving them a 3 hour head start before chasing them down, killing them, skinning them, and collecting their heads for trophies that I keep in a grotesque trophy room. And then have some nog when I’m done.
When I was old enough I started putting liquor in my nog. At first it was interesting, but I abondoned it after a while because it ruined the delicious flavor of the nog?
Have you had nog? It’s like a cool, creamy blanket wrapping your insides with eggs, cream, sugar, and nutmeg. A blanket that also scratches your head and rubs your feet and maybe gestures for the bedroom with it’s eyebrows from time to time. Whatever, that’s a bad analogy.
I’ve tried all kinds of nog. I’ve had nog out of punch bowls. Nog in cartons. Nog in plastic jugs. Nog in single serving “Chug” sizes. I even once had a nog suppository that blossomed up my digestive tract to make all my burps smell like Christmas, and all my farts smell like Uncle Sal.
But my life was incomplete somehow. There was something missing from my nogcrophilia. I could feel it.
Then one day it appeared in front of me as plain as day.
Canned nog.
I begged and pleaded with ACWF to allow me to purchase it but her look alone, which said, “Are you freaking kidding me? You want to buy, and then consume, eggnog that comes in a can? Are you crazy? That looks disgusting! What the hell is wrong with you? I can’t believe I agreed to marry you. Uggh! I can’t believe I have sex with you!” disuaded me from purchasing the nog.
Every time we went to the store I would make puppy-dog eyes at the cannog, and then at ACWF, but her heart is stone, and she makes flour from the bones of children to use in waffles, and did not relent.
One day we walked into the store and the cannog was gone! I cursed ACWF’s steely heart and fell to the floor weeping. Wanting to forgo any further embarassment, ACWF lifted me from the floor and promised that we could buy the cannog if there were any remaining in the store.
The cannong had been in a special display at the entrance of the store, kept away from the other nog containers. I knew that if they had it, it would have been remaindered there… and I was right! I grabbed the can of nog and rushed home to dive into it right away. It’s too bad that I can’t read directions.
So I had to pour the nog into another container. My water bottle.
Once I’d gotten to that point, I knew that I’d be tasting sweet nog soon, and so I quickly poured myself a glass.
I lifted the nog to my lips like it was a holy sepulchre, and after waiting as long as I could possibly stand to, took a sip.
My immediate reaction wash to wash my mouth out with the sweat collected from running socks at the end of a marathon of people with athlete’s foot and horrible fungal problems.
It’s the worst nog I’d ever had in my life. You could make better nog if you just put whole eggs, shell and all, and rotten milk in a blender, belnded until the shells were all broken, and then served warm.
However, I let the nog be in the fridge for a whole day and tried it again. It was much better, as it had increased its taste to “average” but I would recommend staying away from eggnong in a can.
Granted, this is not to bad mouth cans. Lots of wonderful things can be found in cans. Green beans, for one. Capers come in cans. Sometimes you get a finger in your soda, and that’s like, a bonus. So cans are not to blame here. It’s just a sub-par nog.
1) Sweet Baba Yaga reference!
2) Me being allergic to raw egg whites, I shall never enjoy the goodness of eggnog. I wholly admit that I’ve been jealous since I was little.
What, you don’t make your own precious noggy elixir of life?
Oh. Muh. Gawd. Do I so totally freaking join you in your love of the nog. Good nog is like a sweet, thick cup of christmas.
As for the health benefits of egg nog - I saw Alton Brown’s recent nog episode, and he made some homemade egg nog and then dumped it into an ice cream machine and BLAMO - egg nog ice cream. While this sounds delicious, it pretty much means that drinking egg nog is sort of like drinking melted ice cream.
Have you noticed a huge difference in the taste quality of the various store-brands of nog? I have. There are some I dealy LOVE, and some that make me gag and barf a little. Problem is, because I only enjoy nog one month out of the year, I keep forgetting who’s nog is good and who’s is bad. Each year I have to go through the SAME taste - testing process. Ugh.
Oh my goodness, ACW, my honey happens to have this same devotion to Nog. AND, not only that, but on a recent excursion to the food store, he discovered cannednog as well! And, like ACWF, I wouldn’t let him get it, because, EW, YUCK! So he was denied the nasty pleasure of cannednog.
Am also a nog-addict, and understand completely. :)
Nog. Mleeuurrrh, I think my belly just rolled. I’m not down with the nog.
Believe me or not, I have never had eggnog. I have no idea what it tastes like. What I do know, however, is that the Hub-Man despises nog and makes nasty comments about it whenever we grocery shop during the nog season. I guess I’ve always been a bit cowed by his nog-hate, so I’ve never tried to buy and try any.
cannog! hahaha! brilliant
as a fellow nogdict, I empathize with your desire to try cannog… but to actually drink it? ! do you have a death wish?
I love nog, as well, and salute your cannog-tasting exploits. Thanks for blazing that trail for us.
mokiejovis, there has to be some kind of egg-subsitute nog, though, doesn’t there? Beatersnog or something? I can’t believe there wouldn’t be.
Putting aside my aversion to ingesting raw eggs, Egg Nog sounds disgusting anyway. But hey, if you like it, more power to you, I guess.
I’ll be over here, drinking Winter Lager or something.
Some things you should always avoid in life.
-Canned eggnog
-Sushi shops and surgeouns offering 50% off
-”The Simple Life” season 2
there is substitute nog!!! oooh ooooh pick me! pick me!
as a person with an egg allergy AND a dairy allergy (*weep*), i endorse the following:
there’s oregon chai’s ?”chai nog,” which you mix with milk, or soy milk or whatever. it’s more like a tea with nog spices, but i take what i can get.
there is also silk brand’s “silk nog.” i find it rather delicious, though i honestly have not a clue what real eggnog should taste like.
those are the two i buy. sometimes i make chai nog with silk nog, for extra holiday cheer. mmmmm faux noggery. mmmmm.
Serra- I would, but it’s hard, and I’m lazy, so I just buy what they have at the store. This year, however, I plan to try a few recipes over the holidays.
Wombat- I also saw that episode. I had a bit of a nog-log going on in my pants if you know what I mean, and I don’t mean poo.
NPRJ- Keep him far far away from cannog.
Bliss- As more time goes by, the more I feel like your long lost relative.
Deanne- That’s it! There’s no way I’m going to London now.
Kim- Oh c’mon, it’s worth trying at least once.
Lorinog- Nogdict? You are awesome.
CBK- Now that I’ve blazed that trail, don’t go down it.
Camogirl- Nog is like dessert. Beer will always be dinner.
Phoenix- I should have known better. Ooh, 5 pounds of thawed shrimp, how can I lose!?
Kendra- I knew I kept you around for something. Yes, I guess I have to try Tofunog next.
I had a really lousy Cosmopolitan once. It wasn’t from a can or anything. It was just really lousy.
you should try it, but keep in mind that for those of us with no true nog reference it is the best we can do.
you’re going to give it a scathing review, i just know it.
please be gentle with the vegan nog.
Mmmm nog. My mom (and grandma, and great-grandma) have some like super-awesome-eggnog recipe. It doesn’t involve liquor. So I never got those jokes about people getting drunk on eggnog when I was a kid. My sister-in-law comes over on Xmas eve and the second sentence out of her mouth is always “is there eggnog?!?!?!?” MMMgood stuffs.
I kinda want to try the chainog, too. I love chai. I love nog. And then I could compare them.
But I’ve never had store-bought nog I could drink more than 1/2 a sip of. So it’s probably not going to even come close.
Who knew that the word nog could be used in so many ways! I have never had the nog. I don’t think it’s as popular in the UK as it is elsewhere.
I do drink hot milk with sugar and nutmeg - would that taste like it?
Kendra- I do what I want!
Silver Turtle- Hommade nog is always the best.
Dancinfairy- I belive that traditional nog has its roots in a drink in the UK that was similar to a heavily malted beer.
I also loves me the nog but have actually been too lazy to try nog in a can. Nice and cold from the dairy section sans alcohol has always been my pick o’ nog. What’s your take on eggnog lattes? I love ‘em. This is the only time of the year I’ll go into Starbuck’s to get ‘em.
Eggnog lattes are for shizzle, but you should get eggnog hot choclate if you can.
What’s the fuss about the nog? I try it every year, but get as far as a drink and then I realize I don’t really like it. I used to when I was a kid, but no more.
This year, I AM NOT going to drink it. You can’t make me. Well, unless you leave Baltimore and come and hold my nose and pour it down my throat and stuff. But you’re not going to do that right? Right?
Sorry, I can’t get on the nogwagon…
I am an addict also. I can consume an entire container in minutes.
And it’s entirely fat free!
I think if it weren’t for ACWF, you’d be dead from something you ingested by now.
You already know my thoughts on this one. I’m a bit of a nog snob.