So, short story is that I bought a house in the Baltimore area a few weeks ago. The previous homeowners needed extra time, so they rented back from us for almost three weeks. Since our apartment lease doesn’t end until next week, this was perfect for us and we happily pocketed the free money.
We immediately painted most of the rooms we wanted finished right away with the help of lots of friends and family, and then spent most of the weekend setting about the task of doing the stuff we wanted to do to the house.
Step one was to remove the carpeting. The house has some very nice, old hardwood that was covered by (I shit you not) pink motherfucking carpet. Upon ripping it out, we discovered that underneath of the carpet pad were (1) 11 hojilion staples that had connected the carpet pad to the floor, and (2) 7 gabillion staples that had held the previous carpet’s carpet pad to the floor. Great.
We have since yanked out the carpeting, but have slowly discovered that the people who lived here did everything - as my father colloquially puts it - half-assed. Case in point: they had really nice backyard landscaping put in with some fancy paver stone patios. In the process, they added new paver stone steps to the back door … and covered up the dryer exhaust vent. So what did they do? They cut a big fucking hole in the plexiglass, back-room basement window. And just stuck the vent on it. Great.
If you’ve ever lived in a house where it gets cold, you know that you need to turn off the outdoor spigots when wintertime hits so that the pipes, full of water, don’t freeze and burst. Not these folks. They drywalled right over the outdoor shut-off valve. Great.
The bathroom exhaust fans? Yeah, they just pipe right up into the attic. Which has no ventilation. Great.
On top of all of this, they were a day late getting out of the house and left it dirty. I mean, sure, it was “broom-swept,” but the showers were for the most part disgustingly nicotine-stained (they smoked in the shower or something? I mean, what the fuck?!), the carpets and kitchen floor are absolutely gross, and throughout the house we inherited seven (7) kid-boogers, swiped on the wall, four (4) sets of nasty, smelly, tacky curtains, and one (1) pair of questionably clean briefs (under the washing machine). Great.
So, it looks like I have a half-decade or so to spend my time slowly unfucking the colossal fucking they did to the house. But it’s otherwise, uh, great.
OMG that’s disgusting. And nervy.
Congratulations on the new place though!
This Thanksgiving I am happy I live in a NYC apartment. No heating bills, no gas bills, no maintanence. I know, I know, no equity either, but just the thought of drywall issues scares me.
Ah, people, bane of my existence.
I like renting.
Don’t be a baby. Just find some kid in the neighborhood and kidnap him until he pulls all the staples out. If he does it quickly, you won’t even have to get rid of the body.
wait… you bought it in that state? no complaining you!
I don’t want to give the impression that the house is in bad shape. Underneath of everything, it seems really nice. The pain in the ass is that it’s so superficially fucked. While we expected to have to do some moderate unfucking, the severe unfucking required is certainly more than we foresaw.
Are you sure they were “kid” boogers? Might have been the mom or dad leaving boogers for you to clean up. Just a thought.
Unfucking? Yay, I have a new favourite word.
carpeting over hardwood- you go to hell for that. The place we sold in CT had hideous deep-pile carpeting everyfuckingwhere. When we removed it we discovered pegged wide-plank oak flooring underneath.
Some peoples’ kids, i swear to christ.
Welcome to the new world of homeownership.
We bought our place in August 2003 and were very happy with it. Of course, like yourselves, we have discovered that these people did things half-assed. It’s so irritating.
And yet, these anal-retentives managed to wallpaper every iota of free space in all the bathrooms. The walls were painted a classic, nice off white, but for some reason all four of the bathrooms (2 halfs) were wallpapered up the yinyang. Not just the ways. Nay. But all around the cabinets and INSIDE the cabinets.
That reminds me - I should post a picture of it so you understand its depth.
The thing is that you gotta jump on this stuff asap, especially if you are indeed, as lazy as Tarzan and I (though I don’t think that’s possible) because if you don’t you will later think the stuff isn’t so bad. Now, all the wallpaper has grown on me so I don’t think it’s “so bad”. One bathroom is still tacky, a bit old-fashioned. But our bathroom “ain’t so bad”, the basement bathroom is fine, and we enjoy having stereograph paper in the bathroom on the main floor. After all, if you get nauseous you’re already in the best spot to vomit, and it’s something different to do on the can besides reading.
Oh, the joys of homeownership. Did you have a realtor to point out things like the exhaust vent or a home inspection? That stuff should have been caught before you settled.
When I lived in MD I had a house JUST LIKE THAT. Money pit, it was. Good luck to you, man.