AnonymousCoworker

This morning I awoke to find that we have no toothpaste. I scoured the house looking for another tube, but alas, we had nothing. We’d been using our travel tube for the past few days, but I guess ACWF used the last of it this morning.

We’d purchased toothpaste a few days ago, on Saturday I think, but it has remained in the trunk of ACWF’s car, and we’ve been too lazy or too thoughtless to go out and get it once we remember it’s in there.

So there I am, standing at the sink with the water running and the cat playing in the water, me holding my toothbrush in one hand like a prison shiv, imagining myself digging the tube of toothpaste out of the trash, carefully slicing it open with a razorblade in order to extract the last few remaining toothpaste molecules within the tube and then accidentally cutting myself with the blade after jumping for joy at being able to get a modest amount of toothpaste on my brush and slowly bleeding to death on the floor while the cat continues to play in the running water.

Instead of going to all that trouble I opted instead to just brush my teeth with mouthwash. Have you ever tried this? The mouthwash gets all foamy and then starts to really burn as you run the toothbrush close to your gums when you’re brushing your teeth. My mouth didn’t really feel clean after that, so I also did a regular mouthwash rinse while I was in the shower.

I still don’t feel 100% clean in the mouthal region, but I don’t exactly feel like first prize winner in the bukkake contest either. (Too far?) All I know if that ACWF reads the blog when she gets home from work, so this message is for her:

Hey hon! How was you’re day? Right…. uh huh…. yeah…. whatever I don’t care. Just go get the toothpaste out of the trunk. And make sure you have dinner ready on the table when I get home. I won’t tolerate any of your misbehavior again. Smooches!