Last night the little piggies came a-swarming to gorge themselves at our candy trough. We saw some pretty good costumes (a 3-year old mariachi, and a classic Dracula) and we saw some crap costumes (a kid with a Jason mask and a Ravens t-shirt, and about a million Barbie princesses), but more than anything we saw piggish, bratty, snotty, greedy, little, germ-spreading ankle-biters.
The kids would come up to our house, dragging their bags along behind them, so full of candy that the bags were bursting like Mr. Creosote, and one of the smaller children was complaining of a hernia. First they’d shove their bags in my face, then they MIGHT say “Trick or Treat” or “Happy Halloween”, and after I gave them A WHOLE GODDAMNED CANDY BAR they’d say “Thank you” if I was lucky. More frequently the brats would oink and squeal with displeasure. “Can I have more?”
More? MORE? FUCKING MORE? You little shits are going to have scoliosis from the candy you’re already lugging around, not to mention the WHOLE CANDY BAR that I gave you.
Sigh.
It wasn’t a complete loss though. Many kids were polite and said “please” and “thank you” before holding their bags up, so I gave them extra.
And after two girls dressed as dead ballerinas or dead prom queens or something got their candy they went running back to their parents yelling “They gave us WHOLE candy bars!” That felt pretty good.
ACWF said I was being a jerk, but my parents raised me to not be a snotty little douchebag when people were kind enough to give me anything, and even though I hated it when an old lady would reach into a bowl and drop a handful of pennies into my bag, or religious literature, I always said “please” and “thank you” and I certainly never asked for more.
Next year I’m making laxative brownies and the greedy kids can have as much as they want.
