Archive for October, 2005

I need a favor from you

The best man for my wedding has been working on a short animated commercial with his wife. There’s a contest at Geico, and the winner gets some fabulous prizes like a tupperware set; a bag with a dollar sign on it filled with stinky, sweaty cash; and maybe like some old cheese. And a trip to Hawaii.

Help my best man win this trip to Hawaii by

1) Go to the video’s page and check the box that says, “I am selecting this movie as my favorite movie in this category,” and click the “Submit Votes” button.

2) It will tell you that you haven’t voted for anything else yet. If you want, watch movies in the other categories and vote for them (winners in other categories won’t impact us) - or you can just cast your vote for us and only us, and click the “Submit these Choices” button.

3) Please pass this email along to all of your acquaintances,
coworkers, family, and friends and ask them to vote for our video, too!

So do me a favor and vote for the video, and if you can, also, maybe paste the link (http://tinyurl.com/9f2mh) into your blog as well so even more votes can be accumulated.

Thanks, doods.

David’s Bridal

So ACWF and I went to David’s Bridal on Saturday and I tell you whut- Women. Are. Crazy. You might say that my statement is hyperbole. It’s not hyperbole if every woman is actually crazy.

As soon as we walked in I saw a woman in a wedding dress 2 sizes too small RUN by us, in bare feet no less, towards the back of the store. I’m not sure when during her wedding that she plans on looking like a chiffon-covered sausage casing being chased by the LAPD, but at least she’ll have had practice.

As we continued through the store (to look at bridesmaid’s dresses) we were frequently subject to the wild-eyed glares of women throughout the store. Some women’s wild eyes were filled with love, while other’s eyes were filled with hatred. Some eyes were filled with an all consuming mix of bloodlust and rage that seems to only present itself when wedding bells are in the air.

Not a single one of the women in the store were in their right minds. Mothers and daughters were having shouting matches as they tried to observe their asses over their left, then right, shoulders.

Bridesmaids were secretly mocking brides in dresses so hideous that they were painful to view. (I have no idea why a wedding dress would be designed with lace sleeves, a lace headband, AND a train made completely of the skulls of ex-boyfriends.)

Even the employees were bonkers. “CAN I HELP YOU WITH YOUR WEDDING PLANNING?!” perked a perky perk-a-pot at the front door. Seriously, I think her dimples were augmented. And I think she was looking through my face at the back of my head, because she certainly wasn’t focusing anywhere near my eyes.

All in all it wasn’t too bad a trip, but I’m having a hard time thinking of the store without imagining dozens of Gollums clutching dresses while clawing and hissing at me, “It wantses to takesss my preciousss. Preciousss!!!”

Doom Review

Went to see Doom on Friday with Mokie and his friend Chris. We all grew up playing the games, though Mokie and Chris have played quite a bit more of Doom 3 than I have, since my video card is unable to support Doom 3. Or something. Maybe it’s the emulator.

All in all, it was an entertaining movie. Lots of explosions, gunfire, shouting, cursing, and blood. Something you can take your kids to see.

I know many people were worried that the 1st person perspective a la the gameplay of the 3 games would interfere with the movie. The director only uses the 1st person perspective one time, and it’s only for a few minutes toward the end of the movie. It’s not artsy, or inspired or anything like that. It’s just kind of cool. If you spent a few hours playing these game sin the past, it should whip you into a frenzy as it did us. We were laughing and cheering. It was fun.

In the end, I imagine the movie is going to be exactly as you think it’s going to be. There are really no surprises here. But if it makes any difference to you at all, I didn’t feel fleeced of my time, or my money.

Because I was demanded to do this

Here is my rendition of my stupid older brother, who is keeping me from playing video games on my day off.

<acronym title='Anonymous Coworker'><span class='caps'>ACW</span></acronym> Thumbnail

Brotherly portrait

Kendra sent me an email *coughstalkercough* wondering what mokie looked like, so I’ve drawn a picture. Mokie will put up a picture of me in a lil’ bit.

I’ll put up a pic of ACWF if it’s desired by you, the unwashed masses.

Who has a cool phone number?

Not me. Mine all spell, “10-xrt-010-g”.

Inspiration

I just spoke with the CEO of a company that you have heard of. He was extremely interesting, had a very extensive career path, and has given me the last boot I needed to focus the majority of my daily attention on my work.

I’ve stopped playing video/online games during downtime, and as some of you may have noticed, my comments haven’t inundated each and every one of your posts.

I’ll still be blogging (it really doesn’t take very much time when you just post everything after the first draft), and I’ll still be commenting, but it may slip from time to time as I strive to make work my priority. I may be doing more blogging from home.

Now, my biggest problem at this point is that law school looks like something I should consider doing. I encourage the Malcontent and Bliss to talk me out of this.

To those of you who may have purchased Powerball tickets

In the future, just send the money you would have spent on tickets to me. You get the same result in the the end.

Happy Hour Recap

Yesterday I left work at about 5:15 or 5:30 and jumped on 95 to head into the city for Happy Hour. Getting into the city much more quickly than I thought I would have, I opted to take the always crowded MLK to kill some time.

Just as I had suspected, it took me about 40 minutes to go 2 miles and I imagined there would be beaming group of smiling faces stuffed into a nook and/or cranny at the bar.

No dice. I was the first one there. So I headed up to the bar and ordered a Yeungling (YING-ling) and a tuna club. You can read more about the tuna club in my previous post.

About halfway through my meal I heard someone call my name (when did I tell these geeks my for real name? ;) ) and I looked down the bar to see textureslut, j-e-s-s-i-c-a, and Frank. I told them I’d join them once I’d finished my food, and when back to eating and reading the City Paper.

By the time I had finished, Linda, Linda’s friend, and Linda’s cousin were walking towards me as I was walking towards the group that had trickled in unbeknownst to me. The group being Fool, her friend (I’m TERRIBLE with names), and everyone else I mentioned before.

Linda, her entourage, and I joined the group at the table, and the topics of conversation ranged from gay Scotsmen, the royal wedding, Nicole Kidman’s breasts (or lack thereof), and how many blog posts I could get out of an attempted fondling of Nicole Kidman as well as the subsequent jail time and trial. I was guessing at least 3 posts. At some point during all that, I think Jason came in. Well, I know he came in, but I think it was during all that.

Then Jennetic rolled in, as did Mike and his Wifey, followed in short order by Cara, Kmart, and Jwer. w00t!

Sitting with Mike and Wifey, we wondered aloud where Zenchick was, so I gave her a call. She berated my ignorance and poor memory by reminding me that she had told me 5 times that she wouldn’t be at the happy hour. Then she accused me of being drunk. Yeah right, like I would be drunk after 9 beers. A little tipsy, maybe. Actually it was just 2 or 3 beers. Over the course of about 2 hours. Not very tipsy at all.

It was just about this point where the conversation from the previous post took place. I was caught off guard because Wifey asked where my significant other was, and I asked her if she meant ACWF or Kmart, who had risen from the table to get another Guinness. Wifey said she meant ACWF.

It was, unfortunately, at this point that I had to bail. ACWF had been up since 5am in order to make it to a 6:30am doctor’s appointment, and at this point it was about 8pm. I knew I’d have to leave quickly in order to have any time to spend with her while she was conscious.

I’m sorry if I missed out on meeting anybody new, or if I missed anyone that I’ve met before, but, there’s always November. Who’s calling dibs?

It’s up to you

Dear internets, I need you to settle a situation.

Last night at the happy hour, two bloggers were wondering what to order, and I remarked that I had the tuna club, and it was so good I remarked, “It’s like nibbling on Jesus’ member between two slices of bread.”

j-e-s-s-i-c-a (who will be called Jessica, from here on out) leaned over and asked me, “Didn’t he die?”

(Warning: if you’re offended by this post at this point, I suggest you stop reading the rest of it RIGHT NOW.)

Jessica was suggesting that I had just unwittingly talked about necrophilia. In the interest of fairness, I will try to describe both of our arguments to the utmost, and then I will let you, the internets, decide if Jessica gets the 2 dollars and the SUPER SPECIAL PRIZE.

My argument is that it’s not necrophilia.

1) If you do believe in Jesus, then you believe he’s not dead, and saying that I was going to nibble on his member is more a case of deificannibalism, or perhaps, a very literal version of taking the Eucharist (if you’re Catholic). It’s no more necrophilia than those who accept the Eucharist at Church. If you do believe in Jesus, and in transubstantiation, then at some point you have to realize you’re going to be eating Jesus’ wang, sack, or even butthole. Chances are many Catholics have participated in this type of thing, and they just call it Communion, so I argue on this point that it’s not necrophilia.

2) If you believe in Jesus, then you may have faith that he died and was then risen from the dead which either makes him a) not dead and thus not capable of being part of an act of necrophilia (unless he’s the pitcher, but I don’t think Jesus rolls like that) or b) a zombie. And as I discussed yesterday, sex with zombies is different because they’re undead.

3) If you don’t believe in Jesus, like me, then making an allusion to eating a Holy Wang sandwich is no more realistic that saying the sandwich was like eating Hamlet’s wang. Both are characters to me. You can’t really have sex with someone who doesn’t exist, whether or not within their literature they are alive or dead.

Jessica’s argument, on the other hand, is brilliant in it’s simplicity. Jessica argues that because Jesus died, he still retains his status as a dead guy, thus retains his status as a candidate for necrophilia, and the fact that I mentioned that it was a WANG sandwich gives the whole situation a sexual nature. So if Jesus = dead guy, then Jesus + wang sandwich = necrophilia.

Jessica can feel free to modify her argument, if she wants, but the voting will be closed at exactly whenever I get into the office tomorrow. So cast your votes in favor or in opposition of a Jesus’ wang sandwich equaling necrophilia.

/weirdest post ever




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