Dear internets, I need you to settle a situation.
Last night at the happy hour, two bloggers were wondering what to order, and I remarked that I had the tuna club, and it was so good I remarked, “It’s like nibbling on Jesus’ member between two slices of bread.”
j-e-s-s-i-c-a (who will be called Jessica, from here on out) leaned over and asked me, “Didn’t he die?”
(Warning: if you’re offended by this post at this point, I suggest you stop reading the rest of it RIGHT NOW.)
Jessica was suggesting that I had just unwittingly talked about necrophilia. In the interest of fairness, I will try to describe both of our arguments to the utmost, and then I will let you, the internets, decide if Jessica gets the 2 dollars and the SUPER SPECIAL PRIZE.
My argument is that it’s not necrophilia.
1) If you do believe in Jesus, then you believe he’s not dead, and saying that I was going to nibble on his member is more a case of deificannibalism, or perhaps, a very literal version of taking the Eucharist (if you’re Catholic). It’s no more necrophilia than those who accept the Eucharist at Church. If you do believe in Jesus, and in transubstantiation, then at some point you have to realize you’re going to be eating Jesus’ wang, sack, or even butthole. Chances are many Catholics have participated in this type of thing, and they just call it Communion, so I argue on this point that it’s not necrophilia.
2) If you believe in Jesus, then you may have faith that he died and was then risen from the dead which either makes him a) not dead and thus not capable of being part of an act of necrophilia (unless he’s the pitcher, but I don’t think Jesus rolls like that) or b) a zombie. And as I discussed yesterday, sex with zombies is different because they’re undead.
3) If you don’t believe in Jesus, like me, then making an allusion to eating a Holy Wang sandwich is no more realistic that saying the sandwich was like eating Hamlet’s wang. Both are characters to me. You can’t really have sex with someone who doesn’t exist, whether or not within their literature they are alive or dead.
Jessica’s argument, on the other hand, is brilliant in it’s simplicity. Jessica argues that because Jesus died, he still retains his status as a dead guy, thus retains his status as a candidate for necrophilia, and the fact that I mentioned that it was a WANG sandwich gives the whole situation a sexual nature. So if Jesus = dead guy, then Jesus + wang sandwich = necrophilia.
Jessica can feel free to modify her argument, if she wants, but the voting will be closed at exactly whenever I get into the office tomorrow. So cast your votes in favor or in opposition of a Jesus’ wang sandwich equaling necrophilia.
/weirdest post ever
