In the future, just send the money you would have spent on tickets to me. You get the same result in the the end.
Archive for October 20th, 2005
Yesterday I left work at about 5:15 or 5:30 and jumped on 95 to head into the city for Happy Hour. Getting into the city much more quickly than I thought I would have, I opted to take the always crowded MLK to kill some time.
Just as I had suspected, it took me about 40 minutes to go 2 miles and I imagined there would be beaming group of smiling faces stuffed into a nook and/or cranny at the bar.
No dice. I was the first one there. So I headed up to the bar and ordered a Yeungling (YING-ling) and a tuna club. You can read more about the tuna club in my previous post.
About halfway through my meal I heard someone call my name (when did I tell these geeks my for real name? ;) ) and I looked down the bar to see textureslut, j-e-s-s-i-c-a, and Frank. I told them I’d join them once I’d finished my food, and when back to eating and reading the City Paper.
By the time I had finished, Linda, Linda’s friend, and Linda’s cousin were walking towards me as I was walking towards the group that had trickled in unbeknownst to me. The group being Fool, her friend (I’m TERRIBLE with names), and everyone else I mentioned before.
Linda, her entourage, and I joined the group at the table, and the topics of conversation ranged from gay Scotsmen, the royal wedding, Nicole Kidman’s breasts (or lack thereof), and how many blog posts I could get out of an attempted fondling of Nicole Kidman as well as the subsequent jail time and trial. I was guessing at least 3 posts. At some point during all that, I think Jason came in. Well, I know he came in, but I think it was during all that.
Then Jennetic rolled in, as did Mike and his Wifey, followed in short order by Cara, Kmart, and Jwer. w00t!
Sitting with Mike and Wifey, we wondered aloud where Zenchick was, so I gave her a call. She berated my ignorance and poor memory by reminding me that she had told me 5 times that she wouldn’t be at the happy hour. Then she accused me of being drunk. Yeah right, like I would be drunk after 9 beers. A little tipsy, maybe. Actually it was just 2 or 3 beers. Over the course of about 2 hours. Not very tipsy at all.
It was just about this point where the conversation from the previous post took place. I was caught off guard because Wifey asked where my significant other was, and I asked her if she meant ACWF or Kmart, who had risen from the table to get another Guinness. Wifey said she meant ACWF.
It was, unfortunately, at this point that I had to bail. ACWF had been up since 5am in order to make it to a 6:30am doctor’s appointment, and at this point it was about 8pm. I knew I’d have to leave quickly in order to have any time to spend with her while she was conscious.
I’m sorry if I missed out on meeting anybody new, or if I missed anyone that I’ve met before, but, there’s always November. Who’s calling dibs?
Dear internets, I need you to settle a situation.
Last night at the happy hour, two bloggers were wondering what to order, and I remarked that I had the tuna club, and it was so good I remarked, “It’s like nibbling on Jesus’ member between two slices of bread.”
j-e-s-s-i-c-a (who will be called Jessica, from here on out) leaned over and asked me, “Didn’t he die?”
(Warning: if you’re offended by this post at this point, I suggest you stop reading the rest of it RIGHT NOW.)
Jessica was suggesting that I had just unwittingly talked about necrophilia. In the interest of fairness, I will try to describe both of our arguments to the utmost, and then I will let you, the internets, decide if Jessica gets the 2 dollars and the SUPER SPECIAL PRIZE.
My argument is that it’s not necrophilia.
1) If you do believe in Jesus, then you believe he’s not dead, and saying that I was going to nibble on his member is more a case of deificannibalism, or perhaps, a very literal version of taking the Eucharist (if you’re Catholic). It’s no more necrophilia than those who accept the Eucharist at Church. If you do believe in Jesus, and in transubstantiation, then at some point you have to realize you’re going to be eating Jesus’ wang, sack, or even butthole. Chances are many Catholics have participated in this type of thing, and they just call it Communion, so I argue on this point that it’s not necrophilia.
2) If you believe in Jesus, then you may have faith that he died and was then risen from the dead which either makes him a) not dead and thus not capable of being part of an act of necrophilia (unless he’s the pitcher, but I don’t think Jesus rolls like that) or b) a zombie. And as I discussed yesterday, sex with zombies is different because they’re undead.
3) If you don’t believe in Jesus, like me, then making an allusion to eating a Holy Wang sandwich is no more realistic that saying the sandwich was like eating Hamlet’s wang. Both are characters to me. You can’t really have sex with someone who doesn’t exist, whether or not within their literature they are alive or dead.
Jessica’s argument, on the other hand, is brilliant in it’s simplicity. Jessica argues that because Jesus died, he still retains his status as a dead guy, thus retains his status as a candidate for necrophilia, and the fact that I mentioned that it was a WANG sandwich gives the whole situation a sexual nature. So if Jesus = dead guy, then Jesus + wang sandwich = necrophilia.
Jessica can feel free to modify her argument, if she wants, but the voting will be closed at exactly whenever I get into the office tomorrow. So cast your votes in favor or in opposition of a Jesus’ wang sandwich equaling necrophilia.
/weirdest post ever
