Nothing like a couple of buttons of mescaline and a dime bag of some prime herb to get you feeling good again.
Just kidding.
It was actually a quarter ounce of chronic.
Actually, I’m not feeling 100% again about blogging, but I’ve got something on the horizon, now, to look forward to, so that makes things a little bit better. In the meantime, I’ll try to get back up to speed posting about my kitten attacking my balls, necrophilia, idiotic things people say and do, and necrophilia.
I’m also going to start commenting on your blogs again, so consider your reprieve from having to read the idiotic crap that I write wherever I go over. (Bad sentence)
So, what have I got for you this morning?
The DJ Interview:
We went to interview a DJ last night, and though he was a really nice guy, he kept reading us all wrong. He showed us a list of wedding songs that looked like this:
# YMCA - Village People
# We Are Family - Sister Sledge
# Celebration - Kool & The Gang
# Be With You - Enrique Iglesias
# Rhythm Divine - Enrique Iglesias
# Try Again - Aaliyah
# Everything You Want - Verticle Horizon
# It’s Gonna Be Me - N’ Sync
# There You Go - Pink
# Absolutely (Story of a Girl) - Nine Days
# Oops I Did it Again - Britney Spears
# Back Here - BBMak
# Maria Maria - Santana Featuring The Product G&B
# Smooth - Santana Featuring Rob Thomas
# Jumpin, Jumpin - DestinyÂs Child
# Say my Name - DestinyÂs Child
# Savage Garden Savage Garden
# I Wanna Be With You - Mandy Moore
# You Sang to Me - Marc Anthony
# Better Off Alone - Alice Deejay
# Dance Tonight - Lucy Pearl
# Where I Wanna Be - Donnell Jones
# I Wish - Carl Thomas
# Lets Get Married - Jagged Edge
# Desert Rose - Sting
I wanted to stab my eyes out, but people are very particular to the music they listen to, so I politely told him that wasn’t what we were looking for. He showed us a list like this:
1. Let’s Get It Started- Black Eyed Peas
2. The Way You Move- OutKast with Sleepy Brown
3. At Last- Etta James
4. Hey Yeah- OutKast
5. Cha Cha Slide- Mr. C
6. In Da Club- Fifty Cent
7. Crazy In Love- Beyonce
8. Get The Party Started- Pink
9. Milkshake- Kelis
10. YMCA- Village People
11. Yeah- Usher with Lil’ Jon and Ludacris
12. Get It Poppin’- Fat Joe & Nelly
13. Twist- Chubby Checker
14. Old Time Rock and Roll- Bob Seger
15. Hot Hot Hot- Buster Poindexter
16. Conga- Miami Sound Machine
17. Electric Slide- Marcia Griffiths
18. Booty Call- Blackstreet
19. What a Wonderful World- Louis Armstrong
20. Come on Eileen- Dexy’s Midnight Runners
21. The Way You Look Tonight- Frank Sinatra
22. Brown Eyed Girl- Van Morrison
23. Pon De Replay- Rhianna
24. Night Fever- Bee Gees
25. Hot Stuff- Donna Summer
26. We Are Family- Sister Sledge
27. Twist and Shout- Beatles
28. Unchained Melody- Righteous Brothers
29. Amazed- Lonestar
30. Girls Just Want To Have Fun- Cyndi Lauper
31. Don’t Know Why- Nora Jones
32. Hot In Here- Nelly
33. Step In the Name of Love- R. Kelly
34. Baby got Back- Sir Mix-A-Lot
35. Margaritaville- Jimmy Buffet
36. Unforgettable- Nat and Natalie Cole
37. You Shook Me All Night Long- AC/DC
38. Let’s Get It On- Marvin Gaye
39. When A Man Loves A Woman- Percy Sledge
40. Locomotion- Kylie Minogue
This list, with a very few notable exceptions, comprises songs that I would be happy to hear never again. I’d prefer to have my delicate bits dipped in honey, deep fried, and then lowered into a cage of bears that haven’t eaten for weeks. That would be better than having to hear most of these songs. Fucking YMCA? Are people not tired of that shit yet?
Finally, I suggested to him that we’d like to hear some Jazz* during cocktail hour and dinner, and then have most of the dancing be devoted to Motown and Funk stuff like Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Barry White, Parliament, etc. He was pretty excited about that, and even told me that we were “on the same page now. I LOVE that stuff!” So that was pretty good I guess.
He’s priced pretty competetively, and comes very highly recommended, so we’re only going to interview one more DJ, and see how that DJ stacks up.
Oh, also, the guy had a porno mustache, and a slight lisp, and I couldn’t stop picturing him as a middle-aged, cock-obsessed, leather freak.
*Davis, Coltrane, Brubeck, etc., not Bolton, G, or Tesh.
