AnonymousCoworker

ACWF and I were talking about how corporate America does such a poor job of mimicing the interests of youth. See rap music, specifically. The Kmart ads, the Old Navy ads, etc. are an assault on anyone who has ever enjoyed the Beastie Boys, A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, or any number of other hip-hop group.

I am not without fault in all this. In the sixth grade I wrote a “rap” about how Saddam Hussein was ruining the environment. If I remember correctly, it started something like this:

My name is [ACW] and I’m here to say,
Saddam is treating the environment in a real bad way.

It pains me to even type that much. This brings me to my first tangent. Have you ever noticed how white folks tend to alsways start their “raps” as if they had all gone to Master P’s School of Terrible Raps? It’s always, “May name is [ ] and I’m here to say/ [something something something word that rhymes with ’say’”. I’m not exactly sure who the first person to do this was, but I’m really not about why white folks have continued to beat this lyrical turd-heap into the ground. It’s got to be two and a half decades old at this point.

Anyway, back to our story. The reason I wrote the terrible rap above is because we were learning about the environment in school in preparation for the movie Fern Gully. (Good grief! Did you take a look at the cast list? Tim Curry did a voice in that thing. So did Christian Slater. Robin Williams, of course, was in it as well. Cheech and Chong. That seems like an… interesting casting choice for a kids’ movie. Oooh! Tone Loc. That brings my rapping tangent full circle.)

Our entire middle school was taking a field trip to see Fern Gulley, and to learn about how the rainforest, was, um, being destroyed, by, um, evil? I don’t remember. So after we see the movie, and we’re home from school, this kid, Sam, from down the street is playing with my brother and me, and out of nowhere he’s like, “I think Crysta is hot.”

We made fun of him for a while about it, and then he got really werid and said that my little brother was in love with Nala from the Lion King or some such nonsense. It didn’t really make any sense to us.

The worst part is, Crysta isn’t really that hot. I mean, she’s scantily clad and everything, but she’s just kinda there. Know what I mean? Unless you’re talking about THIS Crysta. Also, in my searches for pictures of Crysta, I found this weird-ass Fern Gully non-consensual male fairy-on-shrunken man fan art. You’ll wish you hadn’t clicked that link.