I don’t think I have anything to say right now.
Archive for August, 2005
Oh hows I hates me some hypocrites. I hates ‘em like crazy.
“Hi, my name’s Pat Robertson and I’m the president of the Christian Coalition and I want advocate for the death of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. What? Murder is a sin you say? Oh, well I guess I had better lie to cover my tracks… What the hell do you want now? Lying is also a sin? God damnit! Taking the Lord’s name… uh huh… another fucking sin?! What is going on here? How the fucking shit am I supposed to run the Christian Coalition when almost everything I do is counter to Christian commandments? I guess I should do the world a favor and collapse the whole organization and kill myself.”
Sounds great, Pat. At least you wouldn’t be a hypocrite anymore.
The other hypocrites recently were the Jehovah’s Witnesses. They sent us some garbage in the mail about how wiccan, lesbian, neo-liberal, space-race assfuckery* was ruining a child’s right to go to school and beat the sin out of heathens or some such bullshit and to prove their point they used “A quote from a speaker at a recent Ivy League graduation ceremony”. That quote?
The point is ladies and gentlemen that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of it’s forms - greed for life, for money, knowledge - has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed - you mark my words - will save that malfunctioning corporation called the USA.
And then after that quote they were all, “How dare these fork-tongued, ass-licking, Baalists pervert our nation with their lies?” and I actually laughed out loud.
ACWF was like, “What?” and I read the quote to her and she was like, “So?” and I was like, “This would actually MEAN something if they hadn’t ripped off Gordon FUCKING Gecko in a MOVIE called Wall Street!”
These people seriously put the “lies” in evangelize. What the shit is going on here?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If Jesus came back** and saw what had been done in his name he would vomit uncontrollably for the rest of eternity.
*Don’t ask me what it means, it was their screed.
**Or actually existed in the first place. But that’s just me.
We have ants. Like serious, hardcore ants. None of this Antz bullshit with a pussified, neurotic Woody Allen ant who can’t seem to get his shit together. None of this Bug’s Life bullshit with cutesy-wootsy little ants scurrying around trying to be all innocent about porking each other until they have a brood of larvae. I’m talking about a serious infestation. Like our entire backyard is an extended ant hill.
Like if we leave food out for longer than 30 seconds it gets swarmed by hundreds of ants.
(Speaking of leaving food out, the maggots from yesterday were being consumed by the ants when I got home from work. The ants had crawled up the side of the 3.5 foot tall trashcan, down the inside, and were trying to haul the maggots, writhing and wriggling, back up and out of the trashcan. I helped them out by covering them in lighter fluid and setting them on fire. Did you know maggots pop in the fire? It’s gross. But I didn’t know how to feel about the ants. On the one hand, they’re bastard ants. On the other hand, they were helping out with the maggot problem. I didn’t really shed any tears when I torched their asses though, so I guess I still don’t really like them.)
At first ACWF was spraying them with glass and surface cleaner and just letting the ant die in a puddle of lemon scented bubbles. Finally she started taking my approach of just crushing them with her finger. I’m glad to see how quickly she overcame her fear.
We put some poison down outside, and traps inside (nothing that the cat can get into) but I think this will just stave them off until the winter. I imagine we’re going to come at the ants hard as soon as everything begins to thaw in the spring, and we just have to give up this summer as lost.
Anybody have any ant advice?
I’ve actually been doing quite a bit of paperwork around here that is, though tedious, extremely necessary. I usually let it build up a bit before I do it because it requires me to log into a system that’s not particularly user friendly. Once I get it off my desk I feel like a new person. And it makes me feel like I’ve earned the time I spend with my blog, and with your blogs.
But before I turn this into a long and completely uninteresting post, I’ll end it here.
P.S. Has anyone out there read The Corrections? I’m enjoying it but I sometimes find it hard to get through more than a few pages at a time. Anyone else deal with anything like this?
If you’re a warranty company make sure you don’t cover the shit that needs to be fixed, and be sure to hire the syrupiest voiced 16 year-old that you can so that your inevitably pissed off customers won’t tell her to shove her fucking headset up her ass.
If you’re an insurance company be very taciturn, indirect, and get all cloak and dagger on your customer and tell them to stop but not repair (wink wink nudge nudge) the leak in the damaged pipe in your front lawn to be sure you prevent any further damage, even though it’s 4 feet underground, before the insurance adjuster gets there.
Bunch of fucking money-grubbing douchedicks.
Last week we learned that a pipe was busted in our front lawn, and as much as I would like to say the geysers of mud were spewing lawn debris into the air and coating the surrounding cars, grass, trees, and children, it would be a lie. It was just a slow trickle into our neighbors yard, and for some reason, today, it seems to have stopped. Whatever. I’m calling the warranty company to come out and replace the busted pipe anyway. That’s what warranties are for, right? I’m not sure the warranty covers the excavation of the pipe though. So that’s a nice little “fuck you” conundrum they have set up there. That way the plumbers can charge me a shitheap of money to dig a hole, and then charge a shitheap of money to the warranty company to fix the pipe. I should get into plumbing so I can bend everybody over and ram them up the butthole with 4 feet of PVC in my ass-revealing trousers.
Also, the trashguys came today, and they didn’t take our cardboard box full of trash. Why not? Because cardboard gets picked up with recyclables. Even if you don’t want to recycle it. Like we didn’t want to. Because the box was full of trash. Idiots.
So I went down to the curb to grab the trashcan and soggy cardboard box and I’m looking at the lid of the trashcan on the ground and I’m wondering what all those little, white pieces of oh that’s SO GROSS IT’S MAGGOTS. So I dragged the trashcan back up to the place where we keep the trashcans, by the end of the driveway, and I notice what looks like a pool of vomit and hairballs on the ground by the front of my car. I have no idea what it is, but compared to the hundreds of maggots in the trashcan lid and in the trashcan itself, it’s really not very gross at all, so I just step over and head off to work. Which is where I am now. Which is also where I can’t get the image of hundreds of maggots out of my head, so I’ll share it with you.
Hit me with an email if you want info on a free Happy Hour at the Lodge Bar tonight. You’ll need ACWF’s real name to get in. Everyone is welcome to join us.
I think it starts at about 7:30 or 8, and we’ll be getting there about that time. Dollar beers and dollar rail drinks.
Um. I think that’s it. Hope you can join us.
Oh. I’ll be out of the office between 1 and 5, so I’ll reply to any emails I get during that time at around 5:30 or so.
The EZ Pass is this awesome little box that you adhere to the interior of your windshield on your car and then when you drive through a toll on the North Eastern seaboard of the United States, it’s automatically deducted from your checking or credit account through the EZ Pass.
It saves tons of time at tolls because you don’t need to worry about having enough cash, and you don’t have to deal with getting change or anything like that. You just drive through the toll. It’s completely automated.
So why would an EZ Pass lane ever be closed? Last night we were driving on 895 and wher normally 4 EZ Pass lanes are open, there were only 2. The rest were lowly “pay with cash” lanes.
Why? Why would you do this? EZ Pass is automatic. You don’t have to pay anyone to work the booth. Why not keep all EZ Pass lanes open at all times? Idiots.
Here are the questions from you all, with honest answers from me all. Points assigned as applicable.
deanne- Do you use any sort of facial cleanser, or moisturiser?
Yes. I wash my face in the morning, in the shower, with some anti-oily skin stuff. I NEVER use moisturizer of any kind anywhere on my body. Unless lube counts, and then I only use that in conjuction with ACWF. What? No, not like that sicko. Get your mind out of the gutter. I was talking about sex.
Metro points- 1
MCG- do you call it gel or “product?” I call it “hair junk”. do you own a nail file? Yes. It came attached to my fingernail clippers. nail clippers? Yes. I don’t like having long nails. It makes me feel like I’m going to accidentally brush them on a chalkboard even when there are none around. have you ever had sexual intercourse with a donkey? No. Not today. Or ever. But especially not today. No matter what anyone else says. Especially the zoo. I didn’t know it was a donkey. I just thought it was two guys in a donkey suit.
Metro points- 1
Serra- Which sounds better:
a. Sun-dried tomatoes, basil, buffalo mozzarella and olive oil on foccacia with rosemary and proscuitto,
or…
b. Deep dish garbage can pizza.
It depends. Some days I’d go for one, other days the other. Other days, neither. I couldn’t honestly say which I’d choose over the other with any regularity. What I can say though is that I’m much more likely to choose a dive bar/restaurant than a fancy place.
Metro points- 0
Mokiejovis- When consuming buffalo wings, do you clean your hands/face after every wing, or do you make a filthy mess of yourself and only use your one precious wetnap at the end?
I clean my hands and face every every wing BUT I do it by sucking the buffalo sauce off my hands. Sometimes I use my fingers to get any exta buffalo sauce left behind on the plate. I never use the wetnap. The wetnap is for wimps and quitters.
Metro points- -2
Siana- i don’t think you are very metrosexual if it makes you feel better.
You’re goddamned right it makes me feel better. I maintain that I am not metro in the slightest. We’ll see how the points add up.
Metro points- -5 (cause it came from a girl)
Cara- Roofies are way metro.
I’m not sure about this one. Maybe it’s about something I said when I was drunk?
Metro points- -3 (Metros don’t get drunk. And if they do, not on beer.)
Zenchick- Okay, I just have to say…whatever with the hair product: it’s a *quality*. You have to meet him in person to understand.
Or, I think if this is to be statistically valid, Textureslut must administer the quiz.
Whatever Zenchick. Just because this little quiz is proving that I’m not metro doesn’t mean you can start bitching halfway through. Maybe you should go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Metro points- -2 (The Metros don’t eat sandwiches. They eat wheatgrass.)
AliceBabylon- Have you ever bought anything at Bath & Body Works?
Yes, but never for myself. And to be perfectly honest, I think the last time I was in Bath and Body Works was like 8 years ago. I don’t even know what flavors of lotion crap they sell there anymore. I just know that my ex-grilfriend used to get heaps of anti-stress smelling stuff from me because she was freaking BONKERS.
Metro points- 0
TBE- Do you spend more time getting ready than ACWF?
It depends what you mean by “getting ready”. I dress WAY faster than she does, but I spend a much longer time in the shower. Not exfoliating or defoliating or refoliating of anything though. Mostly just standing there and thinking and wishing I had a chair. Yes, I am that lazy.
Metro points- -1
Common Wombat- Okay dude, I was going to defend you, but then I thought, “What fully straight guy remembers what he wore yesterday???” Definitely metro. Actually, you’re just SEXUAL. There. Mystery solved.
I remember what I wore because it’s something I wear all the time. And because all my shorts are thrift store pants that I made into cutoffs. And yes, I am just sexual as you will soon learn.
Metro points- 0 (Creep out points for the Wombat- 25)
Kendra- have you ever been waxed? My body hair lets the ladies know that I’m feral. mani/pedi? Fingernails are for clippin’. do you own more than one belt and know which things to wear them with? Um, you wear belts with pants. Duh.
Actually, I have to admit that I have about 6 or 7 belts. I know to wear the brown ones with brown pants and the black ones with black pants. I used to only have 1 belt and it was brown/black reversible but it started falling apart. So I bought another reversible one. It started falling apart. So then I bought a brown belt and a black belt. The black belt was too think for some pairs of pants’ belt loops so I bought a skinny black belt as well. And I think I have another belt or tow that I may have borrowed from someone and never gave back. And since I have so many belts I own a belt hanger. But what it comes down to is that shirts tucked into pants without belts make you look like an idiot.
Metro points- 1
Freedom Girl- Do you own an over the shoulder satchel? Ya know, a MAN PURSE?
Yep. And here it is. (link may not work in Firefox)
Metro points- 0 (The metros don’t like cartoons. Or laughter.)
Fool- You are not metro.
Preach it, sister!
Metro points- -10 (This statement, also from a girl, is way more declarative than the above similar statement, thus more points.)
PLD- “Product” is a good one, MCG. Also, do you own or wear with regular frequency either a pink tie, pink golf shirt or pink dress shirt?
No, I don’t own anything pink. Though I did once borrow a pink tie of my dad’s with disastrousresults.
Metro points- -2
TBE- Are you on a first name basis with any of the sales people in Dillards? Dillards? I imagine this is some kind of store. No.
Do you go tanning? I’ll take a pass on increasing my risk of skin cancer, thanks. No.
Do you own a poodle? Those are the dogs that are all fluffy and have bows in their fur and yelp really loud when you run them down with your Tercel, right? No, I don’t own one.
Metro points- -3
Kmart- Oh you’re not metro, I am.
Yeah, I know. Tell Zenchick.
Metro points- -2 (But a +10 for Kmart for admitting it)
Mokiejovis- I think it should be apparent that you are not metrosexual to anyone who has seen your unabated fury at some sub-human’s “popped” collar.
Collar popping is an offense that should be punished at least with an immediate vasectomy and at most with the termination of that person and their entire nuclear family.
Metro points- -5
Kmart- Yeah and the fact his clothes never match.
Not true. I always make sure my clothes for work are matched. Of course, it’s not really hard to match men’s work clothes. Otherwise, I couldn’t give two shits. I pull out a pair of shorts or pants depending on the weather, then a tshirt at random, and a long sleeve shirt at random if necessary. Am I really that concerned with what the guy at Target with his gut hanging out from below his Tshirt that reads “Nascar fans do it in a circle” and his sweatpants with a hole in the right ass-cheek thinks of me? No.
Metro points- 1
Zenchick- Kmart…Metro. Yay! A whole nother dimension I never thought of.
Yes. Exactly. Why don’t you think of a better target before you level baseless accusations at someone next time?
Metro points- -1
Mokiejovis- How humorous that you consider ACW the posterchild for being a metrosexual, but never even gave thought to kmart being one. When it’s the opposite.
I know. Kmart is all, “Oh no! My loofa accidentally knocked over my earlobe moisturizer and now my shirt isn’t pink enough for the wheatgrass party! I’m going to go have an umbrella drink and a manicure to cheer myself up.”
Metro points- -2 (+50 for Kmart)
PLD- Now you’re getting all inside joke on us.
Hope that last answer clears things up, PLD.
Metro points- wha?
Bliss- Oh, this is one that got me accused- Do you know what an Empire waist is, AND can you say it correctly?
Um, isn’t it like a high-waisted A-line type dress? And isn’t it pronounced em-pie-er? Googling for answers…
Okay. Highwaisted- Check. A-line- Arguably. Dress- Check. Pronounced- Om-peer.
Metro points- 6 for the correct answers, -1 for googling it to check
Alexandrialeigh- Have you ever complimented a girl’s outfit, purse or shoes when you haven’t been trying to get them in bed? And if so, did you guess what brand they were?
Not really, unless “That’s an awesome tshirt. Wanna go pound some brewskis?” counts.
Metro points- 0
So in the end I have a Metro score of -27 when a score of 10 or more would prove metrosexuality. Meanwhile, Kmart scored 60 metro points proving that he’s like 8 times more metro than me.
This proves that I should not be trusted with fashion advice or with moisturizers or children or animals or wheatgrass. Or something. It also proves that Zenchick is freakin’ CRAZY to think I’m metro, and what she was probably shooting for when I was making a list of male movie stars that I’d totally bang (and considering my background in Women’s Studies) was that I’m a male lesbian. Which is different than metro. Seriously. Which of you guys out there wouldn’t want a piece of Jason Statham? Be honest.
