AnonymousCoworker

BEST* Stores Incident Report- May 17, 1984

While applying flooring tile to a damaged display area by the checkout counters, an employee left the lid for a bucket of flooring adhesive leaning against a column.

A greedy, little boy of about 4 years with no self control or internal behavior regulation walked over to the adhesive lid, looked at the crisp and fluffy points of adhesive on the interior side of the lid, and quickly swiped a handful of adhesive and shoved it in his piggish little mouth. Upon realizing that the adhesive was not frosting, as it appeared, and was instead some-sort of foul tasting substance (flooring adhesive, in this case) the child ran over to his mother.

The mother quickly and calmly went into full “flip-out” mode and proceeded to shove her hand into the child’s face, pulling out as much flooring adhesive as she could with her fingers. Another customer offered the woman some tissues to facilitate the process.

A team of lawyers and managers converged on the scene to ensure no legal action needed to be taken, and to offer a non-expiring 50%-off coupon. The child was offered a soda of his choice to help get rid of the taste of the flooring adhesive. The child immediately stopped crying but became flustered at being able to have a soda. Apparently this child is deprived of soda at home. The child finally decided on an orange-flavored soda, and greedily gulped it down as he had the flooring adhesive.

Meanwhile a customer representative had been on the phone with poison control and determined that the potential negative effects of ingesting flooring adhesive were minimal.

Note: Be sure to send this family some soda to avoid any future litigation.

* Or was it BEST?

I know I’m supposed to be blogging, but I just can’t make myself do it. I plan on splitting out of work at about 4:15 or so to go get my car emissions tested. Then it’s home to the housefrau and the kitten, and off to IKEA to try to find a computer desk. So far Goodwill, Value City, and everywhere else have turned up either crap, stuff that’s way to expensive, or both. Suprisingly Goodwill had a POS used piece of furniture for as much as Value City was charging for a new one.

Saturday we wait for the cable people to come and install our shit. Comcast never could find our house, so we went with Millenium instead. They even matched the “deep discout” the Comcast garaunteed was unmatchable. Way to go, douches.

I’m also going to be knocking down a wal and cleaning out the gutters on Saturday, so I get to experience what it’s like to be Dagwood Bumstead from that horrible comic by the name of Blondie. Unfortunately I don’t make humongous sandwiches a la Shaggy from Scooby Doo, and I don’t constantly nap on the couch. So when I do shit, shit gets done. Fuckin’ lazy ass Dagwood. No wonder Mr. Dither’s wants to fire him. I don’t read the comic anymore, but when I was like 7 I thought it was the bomb, which is why I remember all this stuff. I realize it hurts my street cred.

I think Sunday is wide open for now, but I’m sure we’re going to wind up fucking with the house. The novelty of being able to change shit wears off pretty quickly. Though the novelty of all the other stuff more than makes up for it. Especially bonin’ wherever we want. Like the living room. Or laundry room. Or sink. Yeah. It’s HOTT in the sink.

Anyway, I’m pretty much rambling at this point because I’ve been playing bad video games for about 2 hours, and I’ve got no work to do, and I just want to go home. But then again, who the crap am I to gripe about this stuff. I mean, there are plenty of people around who have lots worse problems. I guess my problems are good problems to have. Kna mean?

You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones who blog about their pets.

It makes me feel dirty in my pants area. Like I just had sex with the DMV. Eyech.

Speaking of my crotch, the kitten decided to attack it this morning at about 1. He had gotten his left paw through the collar (probably in an attempt to get it off of his head) and he was now wearing it like a commando between his shoulders and across his chest. Sort of like this guy but not with the flaming lameness.

The kitten kept rolling around and trying further extricate himself from his shackles when he dug his claws into my beanbag. I was none to happy, but I figured, “Meh, he’s a kitten. I’ll kill him and eat him when he’s full grown,” so I let it go for the time being and tried to shake him away from my baby-making parts.

All the shaking in the world could not dislodge this kitten from my wedding tackle because his hind leg was stuffed down my boxer shorts, claws ensnared in fabric and quickly approaching my butthole via the grundel*.

I reached between my legs, grabbed the kitten and quickly shielded my happy parts with my other hand. The kitten fought back a bit, my hand took the brunt of it, and I was able to dislodge the kitten from my shorts.

Sorry for the post about my pet. I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.

Make your own joke about me and a pussy here.

*Or taint, if you prefer

Will you marry me?

Love,

ACW

P.S. Can you tell Google Maps that I’m done with her skanky ass and that she can go smoke some crack in the trailer park with her step-sister, Google? Thanks.

P.P.S. You wouldn’t mind so much if I kept tapping that fine little Google Video on the side, would you?

I just got off the phone with an IT rep for a company that we work closely with. She talked for about 45 minutes and frankly, I had stopped listening after she answered all my questions in the first 5 minutes. I tried a few attempts to get off the phone:

“Well, I think that covers it for me,”

“Okay, that’s all the info I need,”

“Thanks, you’ve given me plenty of info,”

But she just didn’t get it, so I let her talk herself out. My mind went to complete mush for about 30 minutes. I heard a faint buzzing in my ear, and responded affirmatively every few minutes to make it seem like I was listening.

Do I give a fuck about SAP? No. Did I ask you about SAP? No. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

In other IT dork news, I was visiting another IT staff for a small company this morning, and they were eager to show me their server. When I walked in and they pointed it out I was indeed impressed. Unlike the other servers I’ve seen (which honestly hasn’t been very many) there weren’t wires flying all over the place. All the wires and cords were color-coordinated and tucked neatly in the racks. As I was looking at the stunningly organized server the Admin broke the silence by belting out, “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A TIGHT RACK? That rack is so nice! That rack is awesome!”

I laughed because I was thinking of boobs.