Well, Kmart and I went to see Episode 3 last night, and let me just say that I feel in no way guilty for buying $6 Senior Citizen tickets from the kiosk instead of the $9 regular ones. How stupid is that? You can just walk up to the machine and decide how much you want to pay, and then it spits your tickets out. I guess it relies on the fact that people will be honest, but I don’t have that problem.
We also got to see it on a digital screen, which was kind of like trying to polish a turd, but it made the movie LOOK better nonetheless. At the end of the movie I looked at Kmart and said, “Buh” which means, “It wasn’t as bad as Chronicles of Riddick, but it could have been so much better.” Kmart loved it, in a way very much like, but not completely, the way Hitler loved Jews. The movie also proves to me definitively that there is no God. If Jar Jar had spoken it would have proved that there is a God, and that he hates us, so we’ve got that going for us, which is good.
Okay, it wasn’t as bad as all that, but Darth Lucas has some ’splainin to do. This trilogy could have been 2 movies, if not 1 movie, had Lucas had just a bit more focus. I’m sure we can all think of places where a 15 minute scene could have been chopped down to a 3 second glance between characters.
Also, what’s the deal with the “Savior Complex” that big budget CGI films seem to take on? Does the hero/anti-hero always have to be an allegory for Christ for Christ’s sake? Jesus Christ! I’m looking at you, The Matrix.
And what’s with the new technology Lucas used? He used it over and over. What was it called? Oh that’s right, it was a symbolism bat. He kept using it to beat symbolism into our brains until we we’re bloody and senseless. I imagine people who enjoyed the movie had some sort of resistance to it. For example, after the Chancellor politically dismantles the senate, Darth Sidious physically dismantles it. Get it? GET IT!? Oh, and when the Chancellor gives the executive order to kill the Jedi, did we really need to see every single damn clone soldier get the message? Once was plenty. Twice would have sufficed for the knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathers among us. But Darth Lucas did it so much that the retarded children on a school trip in front of us were sighing with contempt and holding their heads in embarrassment.
Speaking of embarrassment, I think we should all be embarrassed, all of us, for having seen Darth Vader’s “NO!” at the end. Lucas shouldn’t have written it, and James Earl Jones shouldn’t have said it. The only rational explanation is that Lucas showed up at Jones’ house with a sack full of sweaty cash and an actor in a Chewbacca suit to satisfy Jones’ wookie fetish. Nothing else but that would explain such a hackneyed, cliche, and completely ridiculous scene.
The Death Star, though, really did it for me. It takes, apparently, 16 to 20 years to complete before Luke destroys it the first time, then just a few years to rebuild it again in its entirety before the rebels destroy it a second time? What the fuck!?
I don’t anticipate watching any of these movies ever again, but I wouldn’t immediately discount them if I could see them for free, without commercials. I certainly wouldn’t purchase them though. I imagine they bring some sort of curse reminiscent of Tutankhamen, rendering their owners fans of all things from NASCAR to Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.
