How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her
Real jokes with realer answers. Hysterical.
Stolen from BoingBoing.
Archive for April, 2005
I was at the store getting measured for a tux for my friend’s upcoming wedding, and The guy started with my neck, then did my arms, then my waist. He then got down on his knee in front of me, looked up, and said, “Turn to the side, I’m not THAT friendly.”
Sometimes when I’m driving, and I’m getting lost in the traffic, I close my eyes for a split second longer than I would normally blink, and when I open them again, I expect to see something new.
I’m not sure why I expect to see something new, but I certainly know what I expect to see. I’d like to see a world unchained from its captor: The Laws of Physics. I also expect to see unbearably bright colors, moving with the world around it. People are colors, things are colors, and they’re all moving together, like a stream. Everybody is touching, mingling, sharing space with everyone and everything else.
Sometimes, for a moment, I feel like I can actually see that word disappearing before my eyes as I throw my eyelids open in an attempt to catch that hidden world off-guard. It’s probably just my brain playing tricks on me again though.
Any of the crazy-ass, know-nothing, dumber-than-a-pile-of-noodles relationship specialists will tell you that communication is the foundation for a strong relationship.
After that, pretty much everything that comes out of their mouths is crap.
Communication is the key to not just ANY relationship, but EVERY relationship. If you don’t tell someone what you’re thinking, or if you don’t tell someone that something is bothering you, how are they supposed to know?
“Well, I didn’t say anything for fifteen minutes, and I rolled my eyes, so that should have been enough to get the message across.”
No, stupid, it wasn’t. You’ve got a mouth, use it.
I can’t stand it when people are passive aggressive. I can’t stand it when someone has a problem with what I’m doing at work, or something like that, and they don’t let me know about it. Damnit! Speak up!
If I park my car on your foot, you’d say something. If I punched your child in the face, you’d say something. If I forcibly inserted my foot into your anus, you’d say something. Why not say something to PREVENT those things from happening?
Anyway, early morning tirade on passive-aggressiveness aside, I recently realized that I was the same way. I used to clam up, and not say anything when stuff would bother me. Where did it get me? Annoyed. What did I do about it? I stopped.
While dating ACWF, I’ve always told her exactly what was on my mind, if she asked. It’s led to some pretty weird responses. For example, if we’re driving, and I’m idly staring out the window, and I see an ad for the “Fat Albert” DVD, I might think of Bill Cosby, which might make me think of pudding, which might make me think of the “pudding skins” episode of Seinfeld, which might make me think of how the editor of my high school newspaper wrote an editorial on Seinfeld, which might make me think of how the editor’s best friend was the older brother of the valedictorian of my class, which might make me think of the time I saw the valedictorian going into a porno store as I was driving by.
Maybe, just around that thought, ACWF will ask me what I’m thinking about, and I’ll honestly have to respond that I was thinking about the time I saw our class valedictorian going into a porno store, and how I leaned out the window of my car and said, “I see you [Firstname Lastname]! I see you!”* That’s open communication.
*Though I don’t think it shameful at all for people to want to look at other nekkid people gettin’ it on, and actually believe that if it was a little more socially acceptable we might all get along better, this guy was a real stick in the mud, and thought himself quite superior to the rest of us. I was just pointing out to him that he was human like the rest of us. Incidentally, he ran into the store, not away from it.
People get really superstitious around birthdays. There’s the whole candle making wishes thing. And my future sister in law has adopted (and so has the rest of her family, as well as myself) a tradition that is quite morbid. In this new tradition, if you don’t eat a piece of the birthday cake, you’ll die before the end of the next year, or something like that.
I don’t pay too much attention to the specifics because I’m not really one to turn down cake, or ice cream. It’s not like I eat the stuff every day, and when I do, I try to have just enough to get a taste, but not so much that I’m eating more than is reasonable.
It’s an interesting tradition, to say the least, and I think we need more traditions like these around birthday times. No more of this wishy washy crap.
That goes for most of our traditions. They all seem to be rooted in hundreds of years of goofiness. Well, I say, let’s ditch that crap and create some new traditions so that 100 years from now, some guy like me will be all like, “What’s with the tradition that you have to juggle hammers on your birthday, and if you drop a hammer and it kills a hamster, you’ll get a car for your birthday? What the fudge?”
Because by then “Fudge” will be a curse word too, and polite people will go around saying things like, “What the festoon?” because that won’t sound as filthy as “fudge”. But I digress, let’s get some new traditions in place so the people that died hundreds of years ago who made up this goofy crap aren’t the ones having all the fun.
Okay, so here’s the nitty-gritty down-and-dirty about how it all went.
When we first got there, we were handed our shirts. They had the Olympic Rings on the back, but Mr. Boh’s head replaced one of the rings.
Now that we had our uniforms, it was up to us to determine who our partner was. There were 20 guys and 20 ladies, and we were all given a bottle cap of a specific brand (Miller, Bud, Bud Lite, Corona, etc) and each cap had a symbol on its underside (diamond, triangle, star, etc) so I had to find the other Miller Lite triangle.
My partner, Liz, and I found each other through Liz’s husband. We shook hands, and I ran off to grab some food before the games started. A few minutes later, I was wandering around looking for April. In 15 minutes I had forgotten Liz’s name. (I’m so bad with names that when I was relating this story to ACWF after the Olympics, I accidentally called Liz, Kim. And I still referred to her incorrectly as April.) So I finally found Liz, reported that I was an idiot and had forgotten her name, and we both decided it would be best if I were nicknamed, Retard.
We had a healthy chuckle, and then we went to our first event, Foosball. We weren’t too bad, but we couldn’t figure out which of us should play defense, and whom should play offense, so our constant position-switching cost us about 5 points. Though, we were looking at a comeback at one point.
Next we moved on to Baseball Quarters. Essentially, you line up four cups and try to bounce quarters into them. First cup = first base, and so on. You move your runners around the bases, and the other team drinks whenever you get on base. If you miss all the cups 3 times, that’s 3 outs and the teams switch. We won this one after I got a 3 run homer in the 3rd inning.
Next we moved on to beer pong. Liz and I played her husband and her friend Leigh Anne. They beat us by 2 cups in the first round, and we were on our way to shutting them down in the next round, but the whistle blew (events only lasted 12 minutes) so they called the game in favor of Liz’s husband.
Then we moved to darts. Darts was great. We played Cricket, so there was some actual aiming to do, but we really did well. Liz managed to close a couple of sets herself, and we were on our way to closing all the sets, but time was up and we had to move on. By this point, I was feeling a bit tipsy.
Next we played speed quarters, and I still have some questions to the rules on this one, but I think we won.
After that it was caps, and that amounted to nothing more than throwing caps into a cup across the room. We did much better when we started tossing whole handfuls of caps, instead of one at a time.
Three legged race was where we really tore stuff up. Our initial strategy was to lash our ankles together so our stride would be even, but it didn’t work so well that way, and we opted for just above the knee instead. We were planning on single jingle bells as we ran to keep a rhythm, but we just kind of moved faster and faster as we went along. Plus, we kept our beers in different places, so we didn’t both have to bend over to reach them at the end. We won this one 3 out of 3.
After that we moved to flip cup, which we also won quickly, and then moved on to Quarter race. Quarter race was kind of boring, and amounted to nothing more than trying to flip your quarters into some smaller cups, and then a larger one.
The last event of the day for us was Pitcher Chugging. This one was bad. I spilled some, not most, of the beer I was chugging on my shirt, and after drinking about 3/4 of the pitcher, I passed it to my teammate. We celebrated our win, and I went to find water and lots of food. For the next few hours I stuffed myself, and drank lots of water and gatorade. I was feeling okay, so I headed back to the apartment to hang out with ACWF as I had promised. After about 10 minutes on the couch with “Finding Nemo” on the tube, I was asleep. Accordingly, ACWF was pissed.
I slept until about 4am, at which point I woke up, and couldn’t get back to sleep for about an hour. Then, around 8am, ACWF and I woke up, got dressed, and headed about 30 miles south of Baltimore to see a potential wedding reception site. Except for a few superficial uglinesses, it looked like a good place to have our wedding. And the price couldn’t be beat! Less than $500 for an 8 hour reception. w00t!
All in all, doing something like that was the best way for me to recover from the Olympics. Though the party was fun, and the events got my competitive nature going, I preferred spending an early Saturday morning with ACWF on the road with some wonderful weather pouring in through the sunroof.
I’ll be thinking of that if I’m ever tempted again to spend an entire day drinking with strangers.
Oh man, I really put a hurtin’ on my body. Though I wasn’t hungover Sunday morning, I definitely could tell my health had been adversely affected by the participation in the games. I think I just had my last all-day-drinking-day.
I’m not quite at the point where I’m about to give up drinking altogether, but you’d be hard pressed to find me participating in an event like this in the future. I guess I’m just getting too old, and I’m beginning to value my health, and what it feels like to BE healthy, more than I value a strong, drunken buzz. Altering my consciousness ain’t what it used to be.
Kmart has a decent wrap-up of the basics here, but I wanted to give you a bit more of an in-depth report of what went on.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to do that right now, because I have a meeting in a few minutes. However, I promise to report with a full update in an hour or two.
Why does all the stuff that’s made for kids suck? Even the educational crap that’s good for them is just that, crap.
TV, video games, and books all undercut kids’ potential, and assume they are simple minded retards who would like nothing more than to see one-dimensional characters flounder through cliched story lines.
I’m speaking, in particular, about the show “Arthur”. It really sucks. ACWF loves it, but I think it’s degrading to kids. For example, the characters are all lame, and they never have any sort of significant challenges that face kids.
For example, in which episode of Arthur do the kids find a dead body? In which episode of Arthur does one of the kids support his parent’s low income by selling drugs? In which episode does one of the characters get pregnant because they were told condoms made baby Jesus cry? In which episode do they deal with accidentally shooting a sibling with a improperly stored gun?
Where the hell is the episode where Arthur gets beat up at school and comes home and cries and thinks about killing himself because he doesn’t have any friends and he’s not doing well in his classes? Where the fuck is that episode?
Clearly, I’m exaggerating, but think about all the shit that you went through as a kid. Think about all the things that made you sad, and afraid, and happy, and excited. It’s not the stuff we think it is. Children’s emotions are as volatile as adult’s emotions, but when we create programs for their emotional level, it’s always well below what they are capable of handling. Why can’t we cut the kids some slack, acknowledge that they know things, and stop making stuff for kids so dumbed down and emotionally simple.
In preparation for the Beer Olympics, Kmart and I are drinking as much water as we possibly can.
I plan on drinking about 3000ml of water today, and maybe another 1000 before the Olympics tomorrow. The only problem might be severe stress on my bladder, or worse, I could become overhydrated. Some of the side effects of overhydration are that,
The patient may become confused, drowsy, or inattentive. Shouting and delirium are common. Other symptoms of overhydration may include blurred vision, muscle cramps and twitching, paralysis on one side of the body, poor coordination, nausea and vomiting, rapid breathing, sudden weight gain, and weakness. The patient’s complexion is normal or flushed. Blood pressure is sometimes higher than normal, but elevations may not be noticed even when the degree of water intoxication is serious.
Pretty serious, huh? I wonder if water intoxication leads to harder stuff, or is a gateway drug, for other liquids, like milk.
I can vouch for feeling goofed up on drinking a gallon of milk in an hour, so I hope I’m not a poor influence on the kids.
“Daddy! Daddy! Look at me, I’m drinking a gallon of milk just like the AnonymousCoworker!”
“Junior, no! Put the jug down!”
“Oh, Daddy, I don’t feel so good.”
“Junior? Junior?”
“…”
“Noooooo! Damn you AnonymousCoworker and your rapscallion ways! Damn you to Hell!”
What? I never said I was a role model.
I’m working with a client this morning who has do NO PREPARATION WHATSOEVER for the meetings we arranged for him with our other clients.
We sent client #1 a packet of info over a week ago explaining how the meetings and agenda would run. Not only did he not bring any of that info with him, but now he wants to change all the agendas and meetings at the last minute so he can go home earlier.
He could have called us a week ago to let us know everything needed to be changed, but instead he selfishly opted to force us into a corner, and make us look disorganized and unprofessional.
We’ll see how posting goes today.
