As I was driving to work this morning, I had a feeling of impending doom.
The cargo van in front of me with the rolls of carpet hanging out the back was driving slower and slower down the street. I should have bailed out and gone around him at that point, but I was holding out hope that he was just slowing so he could turn onto the next sidestreet.
Then it happened. His hazard lights came on, and I knew I was stuck behind this horrible douchebag as he pulled to a complete stop.
I was in the left lane of a 3 lane street. The lane behind me was starting to back up, while traffic in the middle lane flowed quickly. The right lane was abandoned, as it usually is, due to poor street maintenance, and an abundance of potholes.
Every chance I had to get over to the middle lane was thwarted by one of the drivers behind me who would quickly speed into the middle lane.
As I edged closer and closer to the middle lane, in vain attempt after vain attempt to pull out, I noticed that the cars in the middle lane were pulling slightly to the right. I creeped further toward the middle lane, and at this point, my car was hanging into that lane by about a foot or so. The cars in the middle lane continued to flow by quickly, simply weaving into the right lane.
I saw a break in the traffic of the middle, though it was brief, and pulled my car onto the street, staying as close as I could to the right side of the carpet truck. I was straddling the left and middle lanes, and then I was around the van.
That’s when I heard the horn. My car had been fully merged into the left lane when the horn started, and as I looked to my sideview mirror, I saw a BMW logo.
Rich asshole. I extended my arm and fist to within a few inches of my passenger side window, and then I extended my middle finger, and looked directly into the eyes of the asshole who honked at me for no reason. I hadn’t been impeding her lane, and even if I had, she had plenty of room to give me half a lane for half a second. Apparently, her life is too important to spend that much time on a peasant like me, so she thought she would let me know.
Unfortunately, she didn’t realize that I don’t give a fuck what she thinks. It was plain to see the shock on her face when she saw my middle finger. She drove beside me, and then past me, never taking her eyes off the appendage that shouted, “Damn straight, I just called you on your ignorant shit, bitch!”
As she drove beyond me, she continued to look back awestruck, stymied, flabbergasted, flummoxed, and completely taken aback. Had she turned any further in her seat to see the beacon of her assholitude she would have been sitting sideways. Her face was priceless, and I was completely vindicated.
