AnonymousCoworker

Hell, it’s a great Friday.

First, it’s Friday. Who doesn’t love Friday? Probably people who have weekend jobs, and people who have to get a pap smear or prostate exam. That could dull your Friday. Speaking of prostates, you should definitely get yours checked (if you have one) regularly. It can even take the strongest among us.

Second, I get to leave early today. Like, 4 1/2 hours early. Why? Because I said I would work tomorrow. My coworkers so abhor working on the weekends that they refuse to do it. What do I have to do? Go to a presentation, speak for about 15 minutes, and then eat a free lunch. Sounds like a good tradeoff to me.

Third, I listed to the “Take This Job and Shove It” remix by Canibus and Biz Markie from the Office Space soundtrack on the way into work. Here are the lyrics, with my favorite parts highlighted.

Yo 6 o’clock every morning you waking up yawning To the sound of your alarm clock alarm About an hour from now You should be at the place of employment Which is annoying cause it’s so boring
Your co-workers are talking too loud for you to ignore them
It affects your occupational performance
You wonder why your work load is so enormous
Because your boss just laid off three quarters of the whole office
People get depressed, they get ulcers
From the stress that the corporate environment causes
Regardless of how you ultimately wanna solve this
Seems to me like you’ve got one of four choices:
You could take a new job offer for more chips
Stick it out a little longer or forfeit
But my advice to anybody that wants to quit
It’ll feel much better if you say it like this:

[biz markie]
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job, take this job, take this job and shove it

[canibus]
Yo, if your boss is a s-o-b Tell him to s-h-o-v-e the j-o-b Put your middle finger up slowly Put it close enough to his face so he can examine it closely
Say I ain’t workin here no more
Who do you think you are?
Rip your apron off, throw it on the floor
Run to the door, to the payphone
Make a toll-free call
Tell your spouse what happened and where you are
So they can come and get you in the car later on
And help you search for a new 9 to 5 job
If the unemployment line ain’t that long
You can take your time printin out w-9 forms
Eventually, you’ll get on if you try hard enough
And you’ll get money if you keep punchin your time card enough
Maybe you hate it, maybe you love it
But if you hate it all you gotta do is get mad and tell the boss to

[biz markie]
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job, take this job, take this job and shove it

[canibus]
Yo, some occupations are like slave gigs
The boss is favored and get placed in something spacious While the most hated get placed in some small cubicle spaces Or get thrown down in the basement, get your stapler confiscated
You constantly waitin for a paycheck
Twelve months passed by and you still ain’t get paid yet
Here’s a optimistic motto
If you ever late for today you could say you early for tomorrow
Most 9 to 5’s are hard
Cause the description in the job ain’t no picnic in the park
People get hired
Drink coffee to stay wired
So they don’t get tired, sleep late, and get fired

[biz markie]
You came in late, you already ate,
Nowww, you wanna take a lunch break!? ? !

[canibus]
Hey, yo bust it, ain’t no need to discuss it Just take this job and shove it, right between your buttocks

[biz markie]
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin here no more
Take this job, take this job, take this job and shove it

So that’s why this is such a damn great Friday.

*The following rates a 8/10 on the Blasphemy scale, and a 9 of 10 on the Heresy scale*

On that note, why is it only Good Friday when Jesus rode into town? Why isn’t it Great Friday? Or Awesome Friday? I mean, we can sit in Bennigans and say, “Damn, these curly fries are awesome!” but the best they can do for the Son of God, the freaking Christ himself, is “Good”? Fucking “Good”? I imagine that Jesus is going to show up, bitch-slap a bunch of people around, and ask them, “Why is good the best you could come up with? Couldn’t I have even warranted a Bangin’ Friday? Or a Muthafuckin’ Balls-To-The Wall-, Girls Gone Wild, Take No Prisoners, it’s the muthafuckin’ son of the big muthafuckin’ dawg Himself Friday? Damn. That’s cold. Y’all goin’ straight to Hizz-ell!”

Meanwhile, me an’ Jesus will kick back, roll a fatty bo-batty blunt (cause you know that dude smoked the weed out) and just chill out watchin’ you all roast because you didn’t give the man enough props for the Friday before he died (for your sins, I might add), and I, the heathen, did.