For ACWF’s birthday, her parents rented her a limo so she and her friends could go out without anyone having to worry about driving. We all met at her house, and went to one of our favorite places in Baltimore after that.
The limo was pretty sweet. It had a mirror on the ceiling (so when you’re bonin’ nobody is ever really on the bottom), fiber optic lights that ran along the contours of the bar and changed colors, and about 37 champagne glasses hanging off the bar, even though the limo only sat 8, and we were drinking Natty Boh out of cans from a Rolling Rock cooler.
At the first place I saw the bridesmaid I was paired with from my friend’s wedding about 1.5 years ago. She seemed to be nice enough at the wedding (kind of shy at first, but friendly at the reception) but afterward, she started hitting on me, and I told her I had a girlfriend, and she instantly walked to the other end of the bar to make out with the brother of the groom. After that, it was 100% weirdness for about 2 hours. That was the last time I saw her until Saturday night. I’m not sure if she saw me or not, but I had zero interest in speaking with her.
Next we went to a bar in an old hotel in Baltimore. I didn’t see anybody I knew there, but I did introduce the bartenders to the Dirty Kmart. (What? Kmart and I were thirsty. Shut up.)
“You want a dirty what?”
“A Dirty Kmart.”
“What’s a dirty Kmart?”
“Tequila and Sprite.”
“Okay, hold on.”
(You’ll remember that a Mappelthorpe is Tequila, Sprite, and Lime Juice.) I saw the bartender ask another bartender about the Dirty Kmart. That bartender, in turn, asked another bartender, and so on. Hopefully, the Dirty Kmart now has a foundation to take over the rest of Baltimore. Maybe not.
From there, we went to a random bar about 30 minutes outside the city. I hadn’t been there in years, and when we went in I saw one of my former coworkers from the pool where I used to work. She’s a twin, and I couldn’t tell which one she was because it had been so many years since I had last seen them, and it was pretty dark in the bar. At first I was %60 sure it was Mary, and %40 sure it was Michelle. Then I went to 60/40 in Michelle’s favor. Then it went 70/30 in Michelle’s favor. So I had Kmart introduce himself to find out which one it was. It was Michelle, but I still feel like a jerk for not remembering.
I also saw one of ACWF’s and my favorite bartenders. He used to work at a bar that we would visit every week, and then one day, he wasn’t there anymore. He was always cutting us deals on drinks, and it wasn’t uncommon of us to walk out of there after 4 hours and only have a $10 tab. We usually tipped %100. It was good to see him again, and if I hadn’t felt so bad on Sunday, I may have suggested that we head back there sometime this week to see what he was up to. But more about Sunday in a minute.
ACWF was exhausted, and we decided to head back to her house so everybody could go to sleep. On the way home, ACWF passed out, and her friend S was kind of keeping an eye on her. All of a sudden Kmart asks me how to make a Brain Hemorrhage. As I’m telling him what’s in it (half a shot of peach schnapps, half a shot of Baileys, a little bit of grenadine) S interrupts and tells me that she’s not feeling well. I wasn’t sure what to say, so she vomited all over my legs.
Kmart leapt up (as much as you can in a limo) and slid down the seat away from the vomit. We rode the rest of the way home with the limo filled with vomit stink, and my legs covered with what felt like a layer of warm, sticky, chunky plaster. I managed to get out of the limo without getting vomit on anything, and luckily (I guess) all of the vomit went on my legs, so none of it ended up on the floor of the limo.
We all went inside, I changed my pants, and most people immediately went to sleep. Matt, Kmart, and I decided to walk to 7-11. We got salsa con queso, fritos, jerky, water, pringles, and big bites. All I really wanted was the nacho cheese for the big bite, but I wasn’t sure how much I would have to pay for a “handful” of nacho cheese.
We walked home and I went to sleep. The next day I felt terrible. At first, I only felt tired, but as the day wore on, I started to develop a headache, and my brain would not work properly. At best yesterday, I only felt like I was running at %50 capacity.
Today I feel about %85. Never have I been so hungover from drinking so little. I only had 9 drinks over the course of 6 hours. I was drinking on a full stomach, and I even had water throughout the night.
Given how I felt yesterday, much less today, and given how much money I spent last night (and every weekend) on alcohol, and given how much damage I know it does to my body, and given how much time drinking takes up (drinking, drunk, and hungover/recovery) I’m going to start scaling things back. I infrequently drink during the week anymore, and I think I have to take drinking on the weekend down to one night, tops. And on that one night, I won’t be drinking heavily.
So, I may head back to that bar outside the city to visit my old bartender, and old coworker (they’re actually dating, which is kind of weird) but I think I’ll shoot for a sober conversation over some non-alcoholic beverages instead of cheap drinks and a slurred, “I love you, man.”
