Are you sure you don’t just want to lose weight or stop smoking or something?

While driving through Pennsylvania recently, I noticed a billboard on the side of the road. It said, “New Year’s Resolution- Don’t Drink and Drive.”

Wow, thanks Pennsylvania Committee for the Creation of Asinin Slogans! If it wasn’t for your billboard my resolution may have been to drink and drive MORE frequently, instead of less frequently as you suggest. However, I’m still left with some questions.

Does this mean that murder is okay, or not? I didn’t see a billboard, so I’m not really sure.

Also, can I call Rick Santorum an asshat-wearing douche-of-all-trades, or do I have to refer to him as “Senator”?

Finally, I was wondering if you were planning on creating a billboard reminding us to breathe for our health. Sometimes I forget, and it makes the room go all black, and I wake up with a headache.




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