ACWGF and I are quite fond of traveling. We’ve been to most of the US (together and separately) and Paris, and she’s been to more of Europe. We had brief jaunt into Canada, and she’s been to Mexico and the Caribbean.
On one of our first trips together we were coming back from visiting her friends in Michigan. Somewhere in Ohio we saw “Fangboner Road” and shortly thereafter, we saw a truck that shocked us to the point that we nearly drove off the road.
Primarily we were shocked because the truck was a tanker-type truck, and it had its company’s logo emblazoned across the side of it. I will repeat its logo here. (Punctuation, coloring, and font size are true to the logo)
Cover IT with ASPHALT.
You can imagine our confusion at such a statement. Was it the answer to a question? I can see the commercial now.
*start commercial*
Scene of a gravel driveway outside a home. A man kicks at the gravel:
“I wish there was some way I could smooth over the driveway.”
A huge tanker truck with the words Cover IT with ASPHALT. pulls up on the driveway. A burly man leans out the window and shouts, “Cover IT with ASPHALT.“
Cut to a scene of typical home, in a child’s bedroom. A father calls to a partner off-camera:
“Hey honey, what do you think we should do about Jimmy’s chicken pox.”
A burly man bursts through the closet door, as if he had been hiding there for this moment:
“Cover IT with ASPHALT.“
Cut to a nursing home with dozens of seniors parked in front of an empty stage. A orderly nervously whispers to another orderly:
“That middle school band is 20 minutes late. Funday Monday is just going to be a regular Monday. Whatever shall we do?”
As the first orderly clasps his hands to his face and shakes his head with a look of complete mental vacancy, the sound of glass breaking makes them both spin around. A burly man has jumped through a window and he’s holding a huge tube with black gunk covering the end of it. He shouts:
“Cover IT with ASPHALT.“
Before beginning to fill the rec room with a blackish, tar-like substance. The seniors use canes and walkers to push their wheelchairs to safety.
*end commercial*
Or was this slogan something more insidious? Like the core of an evil genius’ plan for domination.
“Bwa ha ha ha ha! Once I cover the world in asphalt, no one will be able to stop my rollerblading robots of DOOM! No one! Bwa ha ha ha ha… now back to work on their pink robot spandex skating pants… of EVIL!”
Either way, the other thing that shocked us was that we had seen these trucks before because their point of origin is Baltimore, Maryland.
Crappy way to end the story, huh?
